Here it is, the 17th of January 2015 already. I've been really bad about blogging. I've kept up with my facebook page daily ...or every other day, but I've been so bad about blogging. I'd like to blame that on the depression I've been feeling, but if I've kept up with the facebook page than that means I've just been too lazy to blog.
The truth is, I haven't had anything positive to say, but then again this blog isn't about just being positive. It's about the REAL day to day live of someone suffering from fibromyalgia along with other health conditions. I've been drowning lately friends. Literally, drowning. The pain. The fatigue. Feeling like my life isn't worth living anymore.
Every day, I try my hardest to put on a fake smile, and go about my day. The truth is, that I've been sad. So sad, that tears well my eyes almost daily. I feel like I'm facing life alone. Well, in reality, I am. My younget daughter lives with me, but she works. A lot. She works 12 hour days, and the days she doesn't work she's with her boyfriend. See. he's getting ready to leave for the Army ...his dad was career Navy, and he's going career Army ...so she's making the most of the time she has left with him before he leaves. I don't blame her, I'd do the same in her shoes. But that leaves me 100% alone all the time.
My husband left me a few months after my diagnosis with Fibro. Said he couldn't deal with me being sick the rest of my life without a cure. Fibro left my friends wondering why I'd cancel out on them. They drifted away. Eventually, I was left with nothing but my internet friends. Fibro has robbed me of friends. It's robbed me of a LIFE. It's left me cold and isolated. It's left me alone. It stole my husband. It stole my LIFE.
No matter how much I hurt, I had supper on the table for my husband when he'd walk in the door from work each day. I loved him, and I loved my life. If you go back in my blog, you'll see a post about the divorce rate in marriages of one who had a chronic illness. You'll read my astonishment to that statistic. Just a few short weeks later, ...without going back and researching, I believe it was almost 2 weeks to the day, my husband left me and I became one of those statstics. I couldn't believe it. It was so surreal.
The saying that you went to a buffet to instead be handed a crap sandwich? Yeah, that's how I feel. I hurt every single day. I emotionally hurt every single day. I'm so mentally & physically tired each & every single day. I'm not going to lie. I wonder a lot of the time what my purpose is here on earth. My kids are all grown. They each have their own life now. I sit alone 99% of the time. No one needs me anymore. So why am I still here? WHAT is the purpose? WHY do I have to hurt all the time? Why can't I have someone who loves me? Someone who needs me as much as I need them? Why do I have to be in pain all the time? -REAL pain ...the type of pain that most people couldn't tolerate for a day .....let alone the rest of their life.
I'm sorry that I've let you all down. I'm sorry that I haven't kept up with the blog like I should. I never, ever wanted this blog to be the type that sugar coated anything. I wanted to show the world how HARD it is to live trapped in a broken body. So why haven't I blogged even though I feel like shit? I don't know. All I can say, is that I'm sorry and I'll try to do better from here on out.
Deep down I know, that even if this blog reaches ONE person that feels the way I do ....or ONE person that doesn't live with this freaking monster of a disease & I can give them a glimpse of what it's like to be trapped in a broken body ...that I've done what I've set out to do. Even so, sometimes when you're feeling so alone & isolated, it's HARD to make yourself sit down and write. I hope you all know that my lack of blogging doesn't mean that I don't care about you. I hope you know that doesn't mean that I've given up HOPE of a cure being found. I will never give up HOPE ...because if I gave up HOPE, then I'd be left with nothing.
If you're having a bad day .....or week, or month ...read this, please know you're not alone. We're all in this together. I may not have a lot to offer you, but I'm here. I understand.
I hear you. Sending you a hug. Joy
ReplyDeleteAs a stranger, but one who has had a very similar experience to you, can I echo your final sentiment back to you ... you're not alone either ... just because we don't comment regularly I'd like to bet there are many readers of your blog out there like me who know just how you feel and can empathise *hug*
ReplyDeleteI've felt this way so often, Amy. I'm sure so many of us can relate. There are no words to fix it, no hugs to make it better. I went and talked to a therapist for the first time on Thursday. It shocked me, but it was really helpful to get some of these feelings just out of my mouth into someone else's ears. To express my sadness, and my anger, to a third party. Had no idea that it would feel like a weight would be lifted. Is that a possibility for you? I know I have hubby, but other than him, we are here alone in CO. I understand lonely other than fb friends as well. I love you girl.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments you guys! I love you all!
ReplyDeleteOh girl I just wanna give ya a soft hug. I lost my hubby in November and I never knew how alone really is! Don't ever forget that your daughter will always NEED you. The need changes as they age but you are needed. I learned that one. You will find yourself and find something you like to do. Stay on the sunnyside I always say. Don't slap me now lol! I know when I'm down I just wanna slap a happy person hahaa.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up for not keeping up with your blog! I started a facebook page for chronic pain/Fibro and since the holidays ended I haven't been up to par and have barely touched it! I do share from your page so others have access to your page. Sorry you're feeling so bad. God bless and write when YOU feel like it, not because you think you have to.
ReplyDeletePlease don't beat yourself up or worry that you are letting people down. You are doing what you can, and that has to be the best for you first. You can't help others if you have nothing to give.
ReplyDeleteHi-This is this 1st time I have written a blog but I felt compelled to do so as I have been so depressed from the pain of fibro, people do not understand why I. Have a difficult time planning things and I have people tell me that I am just lazy. I have pain almost continuously and wonder why I shoul have to live like this
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