The Definition Of Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I, on the other hand, called doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, hope.  I kept posting and emailing companies, looking for either help fundraising to pay for chronic pain seminars, or looking for a church, business, place, etc. to at least donate space to me to use for a chronic pain seminar.  It was so very hard for me to even make a fundraising page.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't just do it on my own.  I've never had much through my adult years, so it makes me feel funny to accept a "gift" (donation) from someone.  I was grateful for each and every one, but it still made me feel funny ...and bad, to accept it. I've also been a very strong-willed person all of my life, so to accept that I "do" need help, was hard for me. Regardless of how it made me feel, I went ahead and bit it, and made the page.  Even though I kept getting "no's", I still kept emailing.  Even though I'd ask for others to please share the fundraising link throughout their media sites and only a small handful would, I kept asking.  Although I knew the definition of sanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I still plugged along.  I kept telling myself that phrase didn't apply in this situation.  If I asked enough people to either donate or share the page, that eventually it'd pay off.  See, I'd always been raised believing that a person could achieve anything in life that they want to achieve, as long as they worked hard enough at it.  I've also raised my own kids to believe the same thing.  

I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I've been, practically begging people to help me.  For a long time, I was able to ignore it, tell myself that I knew this wouldn't be easy from the start, and I could keep swallowing my embarrassment and moving forward.  I just can't do it anymore.  I've finally broke, and realized that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results really is the definition of insanity.  All along I'd maintained that I wasn't just trying to do this for me, I was trying to do it for the approximately 116 million other people in the U.S. who suffers from chronic pain, as well as for myself.  Late last night, it hit me that where I'm not getting anywhere with this, that maybe educating people so that they'll understand what we go through, and advocating for more research to find a potential cure or treatment plan that allows us to have a half-way normal life, may not be important to very many people besides myself.  If it was, I'd think that I would've gotten some help along the way.  Now, I completely understand that the economy isn't good right now, and that people have tight budgets and may not be able to make cash donations at this time.  Believe me, I truly do get that because that's where I'm at myself right now.  But it's free; it doesn't cost a single penny, for people to share my mission on their facebook page, on their blogs, on their twitter accounts pinterest, etc.  My thoughts were along the lines that even if the people I reached out to couldn't make a cash donation, that if they shared the message themselves too, that it'd reach enough people that some may be in the position to make a donation.  

There are quite a few things I'm trying to work through right now.  I'm not embarrassed to admit that I have the co-morbidity of depression secondary to my Fibromyalgia.  When my marriage first ended, I finally had to go on medication for my depression.  It really helped me a lot.  I think that I may need a med change, or my dosage upped, because I'm again finding myself feeling sad and hopeless more days then not.  I think a lot of it has to do with the upcoming holidays.  Being as sick as I am (today I can't hardly type due to the stiffness and swelling in my fingers, for instance), not being able to work a real job due to my pain, stiffness, and depression, not receiving any child support or alimony, has me absolutely dreading Christmas.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday of the year.  The absolute joy and pleasure I'd see on my families faces when they'd open their gifts, brought me pure joy.  Even though presents may be few throughout the year, I'd completely spoil my kids at Christmas time.  I absolutely loved seeing mountains of pretty, wrapped gifts under our tree.  For myself, the only gifts I'd usually get was from my parents.  -Again, that was fine with me because I feel awkward when people give me things anyway.  My joy, was in picking out, wrapping, and watching my family open what I'd bought for them.  Long story short, I've lost my joy at this time.  I've lost my hope.  Not only was the seminar important for me personally due to my health, but it also was important for me, to do as a career.  To be able to bring in money that's desperately needed for my bills, for my family, and for the holidays. 

Right now, I feel ashamed of myself that I can't work a "real" job.  I feel ashamed that I'm not able to provide the things for my daughter that she deserves in her senior year of high school.  I feel ashamed that I struggle so much to pay my bills.  I feel sad and ashamed that I actually pretty much was begging people to to help me get the seminar going.  I can't keep feeling like this.  I have to concede to the fact that maybe chronic pain seminars, and advocacy and research, may not be as important to others as it is for me.  -And that's ok, because however someone with a chronic pain and fatigue illness feels, is valid.  There is a lady that's not only a bloggy friend, but she's also a fibro sister.  This woman has gone above and beyond, trying to help me build this page and my facebook page, along with trying her very best to help me get the seminar going.  She's posted and posted asking for help, and she's made several donations to the fundraising page.  Every time I post asking for people to share about me and my mission, she does.  It's to the point that I even feel guilty for that, because she's put so much work, time, and money into helping me.  I'm going to leave my fundraising page up and if someone runs across it and wants to make a donation or wants to share it that's great and would be very much appreciated, but I'll no longer beg for help with it.  Begging and still not getting anywhere is completely demoralizing to me, and I just can't do it anymore.  It makes me feel ashamed of myself that I can't just do it on my own.  Therefore, I will wait until I can do it myself.  Hopefully that time will be soon, but if it isn't, then it isn't.  I'm not going to keep worrying about it.  

The quote above, is how I was looking at things.  I thought that if all of us sufferers banned together, that together we could bring about a change.  A change in the way other people look at us.  A change in the way that even those in the medical field look at us and treat us.  I am so tired of DHAC's (people who doesn't have a clue) looking at me and telling me that I'm just too lazy to work.  That it's my fault that my daughter is going without stuff that she should have.  It's my fault that I'm so poor at this particular time.  I thought with so many of us, that we could demand change and research.  To be completely honest, I still feel this way.  I'm just not strong enough right now to keep trying.  I just can't take more rejection right now.  Hopefully once the holidays pass, I won't have so much on my mind and I'll jump right back in again asking for you all to help me start advocating again.  Maybe I'll get lucky in the mean time and the opportunity to hold a seminar will drop into my lap. Regardless, I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and facebook page, for sticking things out with me.  I'll do anything I possibly can to be there for you guys.  I'm just praying for a much better year in 2013.  For all of us.