I May Be .....

I May Be Exhausted, But I Woke Up Today

I May Be In Pain, But That Means I Can Still Feel

I May Be Slow To Form My Thoughts, But I Can Still Speak

I May Be Sad That I Have To Miss Out On Fun Activities At Times, But That Shows I Still Have Emotions

I May Be Slow To Finish A Task, But That Means I've Learned To Pace Myself

I May Be Alone In My Own Head, But In Reality I'm NOT Alone.  There Are Millions Of Others World-Wide That Is In This Same Position

I May Be Struggling To Explain My Illness & Life To Others, But There IS Help Out There I Can Utilize To Make My Family & Friends Understand A Little Better

I May Be Depressed At Times, But That Shows I Still Love Myself ....Or Else I Wouldn't Even Care

I May Be Mad That There Isn't A Cure For This Chronic Illness, But I Will #NeverGiveUpHope

Which side of these statements do you want to be on?  Are you going to choose the negatives of our illness, or are you going to look at the flip side and be GRATEFUL for the "buts"?  I learned to look at the "buts" and embrace the beauty in them.  Using #CBT #NLP #Meditation and #EmotionalIntelligence I've finally taken control of my own life back, from this horrible illness called #Fibromyalgia

Remember to #Educate #Advocate and most of all to #NeverGiveUpHope that a #cure will be found one day.  I hope it's still in my own lifetime, but if not I have hope for the future generations that fight this fight.  

Amy Mullholand,

#Inclusive #Certified Master #LifeCoach Master #MindsetCoach #MeditationFacilitator #ComingOutSpecialist #ChronicPain #Specialist #EmotionalIntelligenceCoach #GoalSettingCoach #HealthCoach #NutritionCoach #Author #MotivationalSpeaker #Ohio #ZoomMeetings #OhioHealth #CorporateTeamBuilding #Workshops #CorporateEmotionalIntelligence #Seminars

The Enemy Within: How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Success

Self-Sabotage.  Most people have heard this term before in their lives, but what is self-sabotage?!  According to Dictionary.com, self-sabotage is defined as "the act or habit of behaving in a way that interferes directly with one's own goals, well-being, relationships, etc., as by comfort eating, procrastination, or lashing out at others".   In other words, blowing up your entire world yourself lol. 

 Self-sabotage is way more common than people think it is.  All four of my children were active in different sports but one they all had in common, was competitive judo/jujitsu.  My dad, who is 85 years old now, used to go to a whole lot of their tournaments and he'd always tell them right before their match "Now don't go out there and beat yourself. If you lose, lose by making your opponent beat you".  He also said that a LOT to my oldest son Cody, who was also a high-school state wrestler, college wrestler, and MMA cage fighter after his college wrestling days. -Yes, the photo below is from one of his MMA fights, and yes, he's the one on top facing the camera lol.

Although Cody had an amazing overall sports career, even he admits that at times, he was guilty of "beating himself".  Guilty of "self-sabotage".  This phenomenon of self-sabotage can be so common for many different reasons.  Sometimes people self-implode because they're afraid of failure.  Sometimes it's because they're afraid of success.  It can happen if a person has low self-esteem.  Sometimes perfectionism plays into self-sabotage.  It could be, because of past experiences from childhood where a child had received negative messages from caregivers.  Cognitive dissonance, having a conflict between your personal belief and your actions, can lead to self-sabotaging behavior.  Sometimes, it's due to unconscious survival strategies.  There are just so, so many reasons why a person can consciously or unconsciously self-sabotage.   

Do you ever feel like you're a hamster stuck running on a wheel?  If you find that you have that feeling with some aspect of your life, or if you find yourself procrastinating on a task, you may be guilty of self-sabotage.  Do you engage in negative self-talk?  Frequently engaging in self-critical or pessimistic thoughts can undermine confidence and motivation.  If you avoid or "forget" responsibilities, even when they're crucial, it can be a sign of self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage can lead to career and academic setbacks.  It can strain important relationships.  It often exacerbates feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.  The constant cycle of setting goals and failing to achieve them can lead to a sense of helplessness and self-doubt.  If you engage in self-destructive behaviors like comfort eating, substance abuse, or neglecting self-care it can cause serious physical health consequences too.  This is especially true for people suffering from chronic pain conditions such as Fibromyalgia.  Self-sabotage also leads to financial difficulties due to poor decision-making and lack of follow-through.  Overall, self-sabotage leads to a reduced quality of life.  It prevents you from reaching your full potential and enjoying a fulfilling and satisfying life.  It creates a vicious cycle of failure and disappointment that is difficult to break.  So there you are, still stuck running on that damn hamster wheel!

There are many strategies that you can use to overcome the self-sabotage cycle though.  You can build self-awareness by utilizing mindful meditation to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment.  You can journal!  Write down your thoughts and experiences daily.  Then reflect on your actions and emotions to identify recurring themes and triggers.  Set aside time regularly to reflect on your goals, dreams, achievements, and areas for improvement.  Ask yourself questions like, 'What am I avoiding/" or "Why did I react that way?".  You also can seek constructive feedback from trusted friends, family, or colleagues.  They can provide insights into behaviors that you may not even notice yourself!

Cultivate self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness.  Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend!  When you make a mistake, remind yourself that it's OK to be imperfect.  Recognize common humanity within yourself.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, experiences difficulties and setbacks in life.  I think that's the biggest impact that was made within me during the filming of my episode of Dragnificent, on TLC.  There was an emotional moment of me telling a story that negatively impacted my life and self-esteem, and one of those beautiful Queens started crying.  Afterward, she and I had a conversation about how my story dredged up feelings for her, of her going through the exact same experience I had been describing.  My mind was literally exploding at that second!  I was thinking "What?!  Wait!  This beautiful, successful woman has had the exact same feelings and emotions that I've had?".  It was really a huge "Ah-Ha" moment for me.  When everything is cut & dried, no matter how rich or poor or successful or ...how stuck on a hamster wheel we are, we are ALL "just people" at the end of the day.  We all have the same feelings, emotions and fears.  We all want unconditional love and support and acceptance. We all have hopes & dreams. At that point in time, I started using a reference that I remind myself of a lot; "Every person, is a person".  It sounds simple, but really, it's not.  It's deep, yet it's so very true!  You always should try to be mindful of your negative thoughts and emotions, without letting them define you.  Practice deep breathing or gentle self-talk to soothe yourself.  You also can practice loving-kindness meditation.  Engage in meditations that focus on sending love and compassion to yourself and others.  You could also write a self-compassion letter to yourself or visualize a compassionate response to a challenging situation.

Are you ready to break free from your cocoon, and emerge like this beautiful butterfly?  If you're tired of getting in your own way and you're ready to achieve your goals with confidence, I'm here to help!  As a Certified Master Life Coach, I'm also a Confidence Coach, Goal-Setting Coach, and Meditation Facilitator & Coach.  I specialize in helping individuals overcome self-sabotage and unlock their full potential.  You can book a free consultation by DM'ing me on my The Fibro Frog FB Page

And lastly, what's the motto been all of these years on this blog?  -"Never Give Up HOPE.  Without HOPE, you don't have anything".  You ALL have HOPE, and you also have ME in your corner!  You are never, ever alone no matter what is happening in your life.  Please never forget that.  I'm an inclusive, non-judgmental Certified Master Life Coach, Master Mindset Coach, Health & Nutrition Coach, Emotional Intelligence Coach & more!

Pillow Talk: The Ultimate Hug Hack; Improve Not Only Your Sleep But Your General Well-Being

 

In the vast, squishy universe of bedtime rituals, almost everyone uses a pillow.  I  mean, come on, that's a given right?  But did you know that a pillow can do so much more for you than just being something for you to lay your head on at night?  Were you aware that there are a ton of benefits to hugging a pillow any time of the day or night?  Bedtime or not, a pillow is like a secret handshake that not only transcends thread counts and Egyptian cotton, but can transcend our mind, mood, and body at any time it's needed.  Yep, you heard me right - this isn't just about fluff and feathers; it's about embracing your inner "Zen Master", your "Stress Ninja", and your "Cozy Confidant".  So, buckle up my friends (or should I say, "buckle down into your pillow fort") because we're diving headfirst into the fluffiest rabbit hole you've ever encountered.  Ready?  Let's hug it out and learn how incorporating a pillow into your daily routine can help you manage your life!

Whether you have Fibromyalgia, another chronic pain and fatigue illness, or you're one of the lucky ones who live relatively pain-free, we all still have moments of loneliness, pain, stress, fatigue, or a moment where we just need a hug! When we hug someone - or in this case "someTHING", it signals our brain to start releasing endorphins.  The main one, oxytocin, AKA - "the feel-good hormone" doesn't just make you feel good.  It's also a natural stress buster.  It creates a feeling within us of warmth, and comfort, and creates an emotional connection for us. Well, that's just GREAT as long as we have someone around us when we hit a stressful moment or feel like our world is literally falling down on top of us.  But what do we do if there isn't anyone around?  Well, we grab our favorite trusty pillow is what we do!

It's been proven scientifically that hugging a pillow will release oxytocin just like hugging a real live, breathing person will do.  By hugging a pillow your brain gets that signal to relax.  Your heart rate will usually slow down.  Your muscles might start to relax.  Your breathing may become more rhythmic and deeper.  This is especially true if you also incorporate deep breathing techniques and/or meditations that I can teach you to do while hugging your pillow. The level of stress that you feel, improves significantly.

If you're feeling sad, grab a pillow and hug it for 5 or 10 minutes.  Are you down because you're missing someone?  Hug a pillow while you chat with them on a video call, or play a recording of their voice while you hug a pillow.  Maybe, it's just been one of those days where you feel like you need a good hug.  Grab a pillow and hug it! 

Do you wake up in the mornings stiff, sore, and have aching muscles?  Do you feel as tired as when you went to sleep? - Boy is that one common in us Fibro Frogs! Well, you can help alleviate some of that by starting to sleep with a good-quality body pillow.  -And NO, I'm not collaborating with a body pillow company trying to make a buck off this post lol.  I'm just being real with you guys as I always am, and trying to help you if I possibly can.  But it's been proven that a good quality body pillow, can give your body the support that it needs so that you wake up with less stiffness and soreness.  This is especially true if you're a side sleeper like I am!  Positioning the pillow correctly can help align your hips, and therefore reduce strain on your spine so you're not waking up feeling like there's concrete in your joints for the first couple of hours.  -Man that's one of the first symptoms I ever had on my road to my diagnosis.  

Oxytocin also helps improve the quality of the sleep we get.  According to a survey that the Sleep Foundation conducted, people that started using a body pillow to sleep with reported that they had a 35% improvement in the quality of their sleep.  The people in the survey reported having significantly less disturbances during their sleep, compared to before they started sleeping with a body pillow.

Do you meditate?  If not you sure should, but that's a 'nother post for a whole 'nother day my friends lol.  If you do, try hugging a pillow during your meditation.  If you're feeling stressed, grab your favorite pillow and start hugging away!  In the grand saga of sleep or wanting to feel a reduction in stress, our unsung hero - the simple pillow - deserves a standing ovation.  It isn't "just" a pillow; it's a confidant, a snuggle buddy, and our silent partner in dreamland.  So, dear reader, next time you snuggle up with your trusty pillow remember; that you're not just hugging fabric & fluff.  You're embracing a slice of serenity, a dash of whimsy, and a whole lot of Zzzz's.  

Sweet dreams fellow Froggies - and if your sleep isn't sweet let me help you learn how to get it that way!  Remember, what's the motto of this blog?  "Never Give Up HOPE.  -Without HOPE, you don't have anything".  Through live Zoom meetings, I can help you learn to reduce your physical pain, by incorporating #NLP and #CBT techniques into your daily routine.  I can help you relieve your #stress by using various techniques along with #GuidedMeditation.  I'm a #virtual #ProfessionalCuddler, #ConfidenceCoach and I can help you learn to #LoveYourself, build your #selfesteem and #selfworth, and really start living life again!  

As seen on #Dragnificent on #TLC 

Although my inclusive practice is ran through virtual meetings, I am also available in-person for corporate events, teambuilding #workshops, #healthconferences and keynote/motivational speaking.  Below you will find hashtags for SOME of the certifications I have, and niche practices that I'm most passionate about! I have four individual niche #lifecoaching certifications that led to me obtaining an overall certification of a Master Life Coach, and four individual niche certifications leading to an overall certification of a Master #Mindset Coach along with many other individual coaching certifications.  Although I have not yet started the credentialing process with private insurance companies to be listed as a provider for them, I HAVE obtained my NPI billing number so if your insurance will cover "out of network" some insurances may be accepted.  Hopefully within a month or two I will be in-network for some companies.  I've been concentrating on my courses and learning, and not on contracting with insurance companies credentialing departments yet lol.  Gentle butterfly hugs to you all!

#ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #Inclusive #MasterLifeCoach #HappinessCoach #GoalSettingCoach #HealthCoach #NutritionCoach #Corporate #TeamBuilding #EmotionalIntelligence #Coach #MotivationalSpeaker #KeynoteSpeaker #Rheumatology #MeditationCoach #Lgbtqia #ally #ComingOutSpecialist #BlackLivesMatter #TransLivesMatter  #LifePurposeCoach #Ohiolgbtqia #OhioHealth #healthfairs #healthconference #mentalhealth #stress #fatigue #insomnia  #mentalhealthmatters #REBT coach, #CBT coach #lifepurpose coach #NLPpractitioner 

 

Particles Of My DNA.....

 Well, here we are 18 days before my birthday.  The birthday that will mark my 53rd year of life on this earth.  53 years of pain, suffering, learning, joy & happiness.  53 years of figuring out not only what love is, but also what love is NOT.  What in the world do I have to show for living 53 years on this earth?  I  mean, once I'm gone what then?  I'll just disappear without a trace?

With the health conditions that I have and more popping up all the time, it truly has had me thinking about death.  It's a morbid subject to think about your own death, but one that most people do think about as they start getting older.  It sounds dumb, but I seriously wonder how I can be there one moment and then just gone in the next.  Yeah I know, that's just how life & death works lol.  

Then, I started thinking about DNA.  DNA is sooo random.  But upon thinking about it I realized that I will never, ever truly just be "gone".  I have children.  My children have children.  Some of those children, will probably have children of their own too when they grow up, and so on & so on.  MY DNA is, and will be, in every one of those children.  

Just like if you dump a bunch of mixed-color glitter into your hands and blow it. You don't know which color will land where.  Will a piece of blue glitter land on the table?  Will a piece of gold glitter land on your glass?  Will the glitter totally miss landing on your computer?  It's a crap shoot!  You don't know where that glitter is going to land, but you know it will land somewhere.  

Out of 4 children, only one ended up with green eyes like I have.  Yeah, I know green is the rarest eye color there is.  I feel blessed to have green eyes. I actually love that they're green lol!  Where do I get that? I don't know.  My dad's eyes are blue.  My mom's eyes are hazel.  My grandma had brown eyes and my grandpa had blue!   But I have green.  The DNA of two people created green eyes for me. So far, none of my grandchildren have green eyes.  But you know what?  Maybe one down the road will have green eyes!  -Or maybe, one of their children will have green eyes.  

When I'm gone, all of me won't truly be gone!  Look to my children.  Or my grandchildren.  Look to their children or maybe even my great-great-great grandchildren.  Some day, you might see a little girl with green eyes.  Or a little boy that has a dimple on the left side of his face.  Maybe one will immerse themselves into books for friends as I did as a child and teenager, or maybe one will be made fun of in high school for eagerly signing up for any and all English and composition classes they can.  The way a head is tilted when they laugh, or the sound of their laugh itself, all may be ME. Me living on inside of them, depending on what particles of my DNA they have, if any.  I mean, our DNA is just like random particles flying through the air.  Not knowing where they might land.  I will never truly be gone though, my friends.  I will live on in those that come after me.  Somehow, that makes me feel just a tiny bit better.  Parts of me will live on & on, forever.  

I really hope that when my grandchildren and great-grandchildren are adults, they read some of the stuff I've published. I hope they can learn a little bit about who I really was, and the type of person that I was.  I hope that helps them recognize some things about themselves, too!  I hope they can know how hard I loved.  How every single day I put one foot in front of the other and kept plugging along.  How I never gave up on my hopes and dreams.  That it's never too late to go for what you want and to always keep reaching for what will make them happy and help them to feel fulfilled in life.  There are a few things that my father always told me from the time I was a wee little girl, that I hope my grandchildren learn and believe.  One is that a person is never too old to learn.  No matter how old you are, you should try to learn at least one new thing each & every day.  Even if it's just reading a news article about something, you're learning about something you didn't know before you read that article!  The second is that you can have anything in life that you want if you just work for it.  Work hard enough, and long enough, and you can have or BE anything that you want!  The most important piece of advice I feel I can leave my family and the world with is to never, EVER, give up HOPE!  Because what's the motto of this blog?  "Never give up HOPE.  -Without HOPE, you don't have anything"!!  That is the simplest, yet most true piece of advice I can give.

#fibromyalgia #chronicpain #chronicillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #lifeanddeath #dna #familialtraits #certified #nlppractitioner #master #lifecoach #meditation #facilitator #coach #emotionalintelligencecoach #corporateteambuilding #seminars #motivationalspeaking #positivepathwayswithamymullholand #AskAmy 

Insurance Coverage For Help With Chronic Pain

Hey, there Fellow Froggies!!  I'm excited to share with you all that yesterday I finally obtained my NPI number, so that I can bill insurance companies for my health & wellness services!  Does YOUR insurance have coverage for a health & wellness coach, life coach, or meditation facilitator/coach?!  I'll bet, that even if you're not aware of the coverage, that they will cover it.  Most do nowadays after research has proven how very beneficial these services are both physically and mentally for people!

There are SO many coaches out there that are charging high-ticket prices of $5,000-$10,000 a month for their services.  Some even more than that!!  I'm not out here looking for "high-ticket" clients.  I KNOW, firsthand, how hard it is to live trapped in a broken body that looks "fine" on the outside.  I know the mental and physical toll both, this plays on not only US but on our family and friends as well.

I also know how hard it can be to try to live financially when you or someone in your family is sick.  This is why I'm not looking for "high-ticket" clients. I'm looking to actually HELP people live a life with a little less pain and to be able to live life HAPPY!  -Get rid of the low self-esteem that living in a broken body causes many of us.  Help us to recognize that we ARE enough, just as we are.  I'm looking for family & friends that are healthy but has a loved one living in a broken body. I want to help them understand what WE go through on a daily basis and help them to accept the "new normal" that our lives become once we become sick.  

This is why it was so VERY IMPORTANT TO ME, to be able to accept health insurance!  Taking it a step further, it's also very important to me to be approved and provided a Medicaid billing number too.  I needed my application to be processed and approved, and be assigned my NPI billing number for regular health insurance and Medicare first though before I could apply for my Medicaid billing number.   Getting my Medicaid billing number will just be for OHIO Medicaid though at this time (and YES fellow Ohioans, Ohio Medicaid WILL cover a life coach or a health & wellness coach for you!!  At least CareSource will, and I've found if one covers something, most of the others do as well lol).  I've heard tell that as most things in government are concerned, especially Ohio State Government, this process takes quite a while.  I've heard it sometimes takes 3-5 months or even longer.  But at least now, I'm eligible to get the process rolling!

I'm definitely not out to try and take advantage of people, bankrupting them because they're desperate to find help. Insurance doesn't pay that well, and Medicaid pays basically pennies on the dollar!  I could have gone with the "high-ticket" client approach.  There are PLENTY of other coaches out there raking in over $1M a year with "high-ticket" clients.  Yes, I NEED to make a living to support myself, but I want to make my living, helping as many people as I possibly can get to the point I'm finally at 13yrs or so past my diagnosis.  I want to help as many people in general, whether they themselves live with chronic illness or not, live the happiest life they possibly can.  That my friends, means that my business plan doesn't go after the "high-ticket" clients.  It means I keep my prices fair and I accept insurance!!  

It's been really hard being single and sick, for me to get into the position to open this new business.  It's been slow going.  -$10 here, $500 there from the beginning to the endpoint.  Add in what has been going on with my poor Ma, and I am REALLY behind schedule due to financial reasons on fully launching my new career.  Having my application processed and approved, and being assigned my insurance billing number just made a giant leap in the process for me!  Hopefully within a few weeks now, I will have the money to build the website and fully, officially, launch this new business of mine!  That's where YOU ALL come in to play at!  I'll be offering an opportunity for YOU to make a little free cash once I launch this website!  So stay tuned for more info that will be coming soon!!

Like & follow my other social pages so you're ready to go & don't miss out on this opportunity!  Besides here you can find me on this blogs page on FB: @thefiibrofrog  On my self-branded FB page: @Amymullholand70  On IG: @amymullholand On Twitter (....or X I guess now lol): @Amymullholand70 and last but not least, on Pinterest: @jaammull

Remember to always educate and advocate any time you possibly can.  Most importantly remember: Never give up HOPE! -Without HOPE, you don't have anything!!

 

 

........Aannnd, The Ball Was Dropped

Even though this isn't a book, let me just preface this post with the fact that I DO understand that doctors are humans too, and all humans make mistakes.  But, that said, I do NOT understand how so many doctors could screw up on one person as much as they have with my mom in the past week.  Honestly, truth be told, since July 4th.  This is a post about my mom.  My beautiful, sweet 80yr old mom.  Her name is Carol.   

This was my mom on May 16, 2023, holding her 5-day-old, Great Granddaughter.  This is my newest Grandbaby, Aria.

The morning of July 4th, 2023 I was asleep.  My mom had been sitting at her desk alone around 8:30am and her left (if I'm remembering correctly, I'm pretty sure it was the left) arm jerked straight up in the air and started bouncing around, and she couldn't control it.  Then, her left (again, whichever side it happened to with her arm, was the same side as her leg) leg did the same thing.  She felt a little dizzy at that time too I guess.  

I woke up and of course walked out to check on her, make a cup of coffee, etc.  She didn't say anything about this to me at all.  Her home health aide, who is my youngest daughter, got here for her shift at 11am.  I guess in the afternoon before Courtney left Mom told her what had happened.  Said she was having dizziness off & on and a headache too.  I still wasn't aware of this situation having occurred.  After Courtney left, my mom came back to my office & said "I want to talk to you about something"  as she sat down in the recliner I have in here for her.  I said "Yeah?  What's going on?" as she sat.  She started telling me what had happened this morning.  I told her "Mom! That's not normal. That's something that I should've been told about right away.  Something like that, you need to wake me up and not wait"!  She said, "Well, you've always said one of the ways to see if someone is having a stroke is to have them stick out their tongue and see if it goes to one side or anything so since you were sleeping this morning I went to the bathroom and did that, and it stayed straight out so I didn't think it was anything important to wake you for".  I told her to ALWAYS wake me up if something isn't normal.

As I was talking to her and telling her it's important I'm made aware of something like that right away she started to say something and then she said "Wait, I'm starting to feel really funny again.  Something isn't right. I feel funny".  Her voice was soft -she's soft-spoken anyway, but this was not her normal, and her voice trailed off.  I said, "What feels funny?". She said, "I don't know, I just feel funny".  I asked if she was dizzy and she said "Yeah, maybe a little I don't know.  I just don't feel right".  I said, "Ok, well we need to get you to the hospital". She agreed, as long as I didn't take her to our small community hospital that's only about 5 minutes from our house, even if we hit the red lights.  All her doctors are part of Blanchard Valley Health System in Findlay, OH so I said ok no problem I'd take her to the hospital in Findlay.  I told her I didn't care where I took her and that she just had to go.  

We got to the hospital and I told them I was worried that she was exhibiting stroke symptoms.  They took her straight back and already had a team of 4 waiting in the cubicle for her.  Did some basic vitals and whisked her off for a CT scan of her brain.  They came back and told us that she has had "some strokes" in the past, but didn't believe she was having one right then.  Then they said that they believe she had a TIA that day and wanted to admit her overnight for observation and to run some tests on her in the morning.  To say I was shocked to hear she had already had "some strokes" is an understatement...how many, I don't know.  They didn't say and I was too shocked to think to ask! I've been around the medical field my entire life.  HOW did I miss that my mom had previously been sitting home having "strokeS", without me realizing?  The next morning they ran an ECHO looking at her heart, and it seems like they did something else but I can't remember what.  They discharged her that afternoon saying she had a TIA.  

Once home from the hospital, her balance was really off.  She has really bad neuropathy in both of her legs from mid-calf down and she has a partial amputation of her left foot, which was done this past April.  Three years ago I took her to a neuro appointment and he ran an EEG on her and told me he doesn't know how she was walking, and that from the tests she has no feeling at all from mid-calf down. He said to her brain, her feet and legs should feel like they're floating.  She walked pretty d@mn good though, let me tell ya lol.  She's just absolutely refused to use a walker.  Even after roughly a third of her foot was amputated back in April, she still never had a fall or anything!  We have been told that eventually, she wouldn't be able to walk. She kept saying she thought it was just her neuropathy progressing.  She was having episodes of dizziness though.  She saw a special neurologist within her neurology group, that specializes in just TIA's.  My daughter as her aide, with appointments falling during her work hours, has been taking Mom to all of her doctor appointments. Mom also has had an appointment with her GP, who actually is a NP, and at both of these appointments, my Mom and Courtney both told them about  her balance being so off, and her getting bouts of bad dizziness and having headaches.  Both doctors just fluffed it off as nothing.  No further testing was done or anything.  

A couple of weeks ago, I had taken Mom to the grocery store.  Now in a store, she does agree to use a motorized scooter.  Stores are just way too much walking for her.  We'd picked up a couple of cantaloupes and when we got home I kept telling her to go sit down & rest because she kept saying how it just wore her out and her legs were hurting.  She wouldn't do it though. She had cut one of the cantaloupes in half and was standing bent over the trash can scooping the seeds out of half of it.  She lost her balance and fell into our laundry room, which has swinging doors hanging on them, and went down on her left side.  She refused to go to the hospital saying she was fine.   That she had just lost her balance.  Again, she'd just seen 2 doctors recently who both apparently thought she was fine, so I didn't force the issue of her going to the hospital.

Fast forward to this past Sunday, August 6, 2023.  She had been hungry for Wendy's, so Dad said that if I'd go get it, he'd buy it for her and me.  He didn't want any. So I went and picked up Wendy's for our dinner.  She had a spicy chicken sandwich.  This was around 6pm I believe.  At 10pm I was standing in the living room talking to her and she said "I think I'm going to be sick.  Hurry and get my bucket from beside my bed".  So I did, and she proceeded to get sick.  A little bit later I checked on her and she said that she felt better since getting sick and that she thought it was just a bout of her gastroparesis flaring up.  With that, she usually will be sick once, then it goes away.  I said that I had worried that maybe she had food poisoning from the chicken sandwich.  She said no, that she felt ok so thought it was the gastroparesis.  Around 12:30am she was vomiting again.  A lot.  Over and over.  I tried to get her to let me take her to the ER and she said no, that I must have been right and she probably had food poisoning.  One of my worst fibro symptoms that I have to combat, is insomnia.  Even with sleeping pills, I don't fall asleep unless I take a dose of muscle relaxers and 4-6 Tylenol PM along with the muscle relaxers and prescription sleep pills.  Finally, around 1:20am she hadn't been sick in a little bit so I thought "I better take these meds and try to get a little sleep in case she gets sicker and I have to take her out to the hospital".  So I took my sleep cocktail and 30 minutes later I felt them starting to kick in so I went in and laid down in bed. 

Just as I had drifted off to sleep I heard my dad "Hey Amy"? He was outside of my bedroom door. I said "Yeah"? and he said, "Hey I think you better take your mom out to the hospital she's really sick".  I hollered ok I was coming and flew out of bed. I heard her vomiting. Over and over.  I went in and got her shoes on her, with her sitting up on the edge of her bed.  I helped her get out to the living room and sat her in her recliner.  I then raced to throw clothes on myself.  Once dressed I said, "Ok, let's go"!  I helped her stand up and could tell at that point that this was going to be hard.  She was having sharp stabbing pain in her temple, had very little balance, was dizzy, and vomiting horribly.  I told my dad I was going to need his help, getting her out to my car.  He got on one side of her and I got on the other.  She managed a few steps TO the door but then said "Wait wait wait I've gotta sit down I'm gonna be sick".  I looked at my dad and told him that there was no way that we were going to get her all the way out to my car.  I said that I hated to call a squad to take her, where it was now around 2:30am on a work night, and we live in a subdivision where everyone around us just about, works.  I had no choice though. I called 911 and they picked her up and took her via ambulance to our little local hospital here in Fostoria.

At the hospital, I told them all of her symptoms along with the timing of everything, but I also told them her recent history. I told them about the TIA and overnight admission at BVH back on July 4th and told them that BVH had told me that she HAD had "some strokes" in the past, so stroke was my main concern. Mind you this hospital, our tiny little local hospital, is the same network as the big hospital she's currently in.  A hospital with a new state-of-the-art, 16-bed Neuro ICU unit.  They are the SAME HOSPITAL SYSTEM so you would think that they'd be VERY aware and cautious about patients presenting with history and symptoms of stroke. They took her down and did a CT scan, then came in and told us "Everything looks good.  There are a few viruses going around right now, so it's probably just a virus".  They discharged her with a script for Zofran.  

Monday, she still was so dizzy and vomiting.  The Zofran wasn't working at all. I tried to get her to let me take her to the hospital again.  She said, "No!  It's just a virus, the doctor said so. I'll be alright".  I said, "Ok but Mom I'm not convinced it's a virus.  If you aren't any better by tomorrow, and if Dad, Courtney, or I aren't showing symptoms of coming down with it, you're gonna have to go in again". She just kind of ignored me lol.  

It's now the next day. Tuesday, July 8th.  My Dad plays pool in a league in Findlay on Tuesday nights. He leaves around 5pm to go shoot pool.  -Mind you, he's an 84yr old that is said to be in stage 4 CHF.  He breathes horribly at night, but he sure gets around and does what he wants during the day.  Nobody would ever believe he's 84 and the health conditions he has, if they didn't know him! Courtney's shift as an aide had ended at 4pm.  Earlier that day, I was in Fostoria door dashing.  With mom so sick I didn't want to leave town. I came home though, in time for my Dad to leave to shoot pool so that Mom wouldn't be home alone.  She was way too sick to be home alone.  She had asked me to bring her home some ginger ale, so I did.  She took a small swallow of it and immediately started vomiting again.  I said, "Mom, you can't keep anything down. If I can't keep any liquids down you I can't keep you hydrated here at home. Virus or not, I have to take you to the hospital. You really need some IV hydration badly"!  She shook her head ok and said "As long as you take me to Findlay. I don't want to go up here". I told her I'd take her anywhere she wanted me to, as long as she'd go.  This time, she was able to make it to my car with my help.  I got her into the car, and the poor thing just vomited and vomited the entire way there.  She said, "This car ride is making me motion sick".  

We get there, and they're packed!  The triage nurse, MA, whatever she was, was a real b!tch!!  She was sooooo annoyed because I said I needed a wheelchair and some help getting my mom out of the car and in. I told her what was going on.  There was a young new mother there, her father had her baby watching it for her, that was being triaged.  The nurse let out a loud audible sigh and said with a real snotty tone to her, "I'll be right back.  I'll never understand how people can get into a car to come here, then suddenly be too sick to walk in on their own".  Now, people who know me in person know how badly I hate confrontation and they know that I'm usually the nicest person ever.  But let me make everyone aware ....when it comes to my kids, my grandkids, or my parents my switch can flip in 2.1 seconds. I felt a rush in my head and started to open my mouth to tell her what I thought of her and her $hitty attitude, but then luckily I quickly realized right then, it didn't really matter.  Just get my mom in here and get her assessed lol.  

She brings Mom inside.  Leaves her sit and finishes triaging the young new mother and sent her back to a room.  She then triages Mom and says "We're all full back there so just find somewhere to sit and wait and we'll come get you when we have room.  She started to grab the wheelchair to wheel her for me and I said "Don't do that.  You're apparently too busy to be bothered wheeling people around that can walk to a car on their own".  I just couldn't help myself, you guys.  Life Coach, Emotional Intelligence Coach, Meditation Facilitator & Coach or not I am human too lol.  I was disgusted as he!! that they weren't taking her straight back.  In my opinion, an 80yr old woman with a history of strokes (that again, we never knew she'd had while she was having them), had a month ago been hospitalized for a TIA, and had been vomiting for getting close to 48 hours, had a "real bad" (her words) headache, and her top number of her BP when triaged was over 200 should have trumped a new mom who's stomach hurt and had a temperature of 99.7.  -Yes, I have been trained to triage.  Remember, I had only been 4 months away from sitting for Ohio State Nursing Boards when I had to drop out of school due to my then-husbands job requiring us to move out of state. I also AM a Nationally Certified Clinical Medical Assistant.  

They made us sit in the waiting room for I don't know, maybe about 15-20 minutes and then they came out and called for her, and took us to a room.  The nurse comes in and I go through her back story once again.  They started an IV on her and then someone from the lab came in and drew some blood.  A little bit later, the nurse came walking back in, with his phone ...radio ...I'm not sure what it is they were using to communicate, but it was on like speaker phone and ringing.  A girl answered and he told her "I'm letting you know that I'm on the way to you with a patient that needs a STAT CT scan of the brain".  He looked at me then and said "I'm taking her down for a STAT CT then I'll bring her back.  Give us about an hour".  He was saying all this as he was kicking the brakes off the bed and already half out of the room with her. I got up to go outside and update my family as he was pretty much running down the hallway with her bed.  

I waited outside for about an hour then came back in.  She had just gotten back to her room and there were 2 girls in there with a machine, and told me to step out for just a minute that she was getting ready to do a chest x-ray.  I stepped back out as far as she was, and she took the x-ray and they left.  I sat down in the room and Mom told me she had just gotten back.  I don't think it was even 10 minutes after that, the doctor came in.  This was the first time we had met her. She hadn't been in once yet to talk to, or access mom herself.  

When the doctor entered the room she said hello and what her name was.  She grabbed the stool and sat down beside Mom's bed and said "Well, she's had a pretty major stroke. It happened in her cerebellum".  I explained how on the 4th of July when I had her out there, the doctor had told us that she'd "had some strokes" in the past and then TIA on the fourth.  She started shaking her head and said "We compared her scans tonight to those, and this is new".  I literally was shocked once again.  I said, "It's showing a new stroke since she was here on the fourth?  I even had her at FCH Sunday night, technically Monday morning and they did a CT and told us it was just a virus and sent us home"!!  She said, "Ok, so she DID have a CT at FCH then?" I told her yes.  She said, "Well, she had to have had the stroke Sunday night when her symptoms first started around 10pm then because it takes at least 6hrs for a stroke to show on a CT scan.  So if it were showing when FCH did the CT, they wouldn't have just sent her home saying it was just a virus.  I am really sorry, but that was Sunday night and we're at Tuesday evening now so we're way, way past the time frame to be able to give her tPA.  We're definitely admitting her to keep an eye on her though".  I said I would stay with her until they took her up to a room.  

I can't even tell you what time all of this took place, but after waiting and waiting for them to take her to a room I asked a nurse that came in to give her some Zofran, trying to stop the vomiting, if she had any idea how much longer it would be until she was taken upstairs to a room.  She started shaking her head no and said, "It all just depends on how quickly they discharge patients and get the room ready up there".  I said, "Wait, it depends on how fast they discharge patients?  They won't be sending anyone home this late would they?  You mean she may be in the ER all night?"  She told me "Unfortunately yeah, I'm pretty sure she probably will be right here over night".  At that point, I think it was around 11pm or maybe even midnight? I'm just not sure. I told her and Mom that I originally was going to wait until they took her up to a room, but there was no way I'd be able to stay there overnight sitting up in those hard, tiny ER cubicle chairs. I said I was going to go home but would be up to see her in the morning.

The next day, my dad went up there in the morning.  He's usually up every day anywhere from 5:30am-7:30am.  With my insomnia, there's been days where I'm just laying down to try to get a couple of hours of sleep in when he's just getting up to start the day haha!   When I got up, I called him and asked if Mom was still in the ER or if they got her into a room.  He said she was still in the ER.  I told him that I'd get woken up, then get around and come up there.  

When I arrived, my Dad and my oldest son were there and my Mom still was in the ER!  Shortly after I got there, they came in and said they were taking my mom for an MRI.  Dad and Cody waited until she came back to her "room" and then told her goodbye. My son had to get back to work, and my Dad told her he'd be back up that evening to see her.  I had planned to go ahead & leave too, and door dash there in Findlay for a little bit, then stop back in to check on her and be with her, after dashing before I headed home.  It dawned on me then, "Wait! She has dementia, she's just had a pretty major stroke, and no one will be here when those results come back. She'll never remember what they said about them probably so I better just stay here until we get the results".  Thank God I did!  It was really fast, that this guy came into the room.  He introduced himself as the head ER charge nurse and said that after seeing Mom's MRI they called him down.  He said that the MRI showed that Mom had originally had an ischemic stroke and that they had given her heparin last night to try to break up the clot but that it didn't work. He said it had now converged into a hemorrhagic stroke.  I said, "You mean she is still actively bleeding?"  He said "Yes, she is still actively bleeding. Our doctor is on the phone right now with the neurologists from ProMedica Toledo Hospital.  We sent her scans to them and they said she's actively bleeding and they want us to transfer her up to them. So they called me down here to explain what's going on and for me to get the transfer going". 

Selfie I took of Mom and I while waiting for life flight to get there.  Please excuse the tears that are blinding my eyes.  They weren't running down my cheeks so that was a WIN in my book for me!

Hearing that your mother is still actively bleeding, basically laying there stroking out in front of you, is absolutely terrifying. He and I were down at the foot of her bed and I was facing him, my back to my mother. I didn't want her to know how scared and upset I was, but when he told me that it took everything in me not to just crumple to the floor.  Choking back tears I whispered "What will they do?  Will she have to go into surgery for them to try to remove the clot or what? Is she going to die?"  He said, "Well they have a few different interventions they can do up there, but I would prepare yourself that there's a good chance that they might need to take her to surgery, and it's really hard to say if she'll survive or not but you might want to prepare yourself for the worst".  At that moment I couldn't stop the tears from sliding out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I told him I was sorry, but I was gonna have to step outside for a minute to pull myself together and call my dad and my kids.  He said he completely understood. I was probably 10 steps outside of the hospital ER doors when I heard someone running and yelling "Ma'am? Ma'am?" so I stopped and turned around.  It was the charge nurse again.  He said "Our doctor just got off the phone with ProMedica and the neurologists there don't want to take the time to bring her by ambulance.  They just want us to get her there so they said to call life flight.  She will be life-flighted so this all is going to be happening pretty fast.  Go ahead though and take the time you need and make your calls though".  He could tell by the look on my face that I was about to completely lose it and said "Are you ok?" to which I replied not able to choke the SOBS back anymore, "She's going to die, isn't she"?  He hugged me and said, "I'm so sorry".  I pulled away and went to my car.  

I pulled myself together, but my youngest daughter and her fiance had just been getting ready to leave to head to Findlay to see Mom, right before I got her MRI results, so I knew I had to call her to get her stopped.  I thought of this AFTER I pulled myself together as best as I could and was walking back into my mom's "room".  Mind you, my mom has always been petrified to fly!  She is 80 years old and has never once built up the courage to get on a plane.  I was scared to have her find out she was going to have to go by life flight.  I was afraid that she would be so scared, that it would cause her BP to run even higher than the 193 to 200-something (top number) that she'd been running the entire time we'd been there and would just completely stroke her out.  I told her ER nurse (not the charge nurse) and asked if we could give her some Ativan or something to calm her before we told her.  He agreed with me that it probably would be a good idea that he'd go talk to the doctor.  Now remember, I have never even MET this daytime ER doctor and only saw the doctor that dx'd her stroke once!  So I had seen and talked to ONE doctor, ONE time, in the 19-20 hours she'd been laying in their ER.  The nurse told me at that time, that life flight would be there in about 20 minutes.  

I called Courtney and told her not to head to Findlay, that life flight was on its way to get her and take her to Toledo.  She did what my first reaction to do had been.  She started losing her $hit!!  She kept saying through sobs, "People don't survive a hemorrhagic stroke Mom, and especially someone who's 80!  What do you mean life flight will be there in about 15 minutes so not to come?  You mean I can't even see my grandma again for one last time"?  By this point, she was really loud and really crying.  I know how close she is to my mom and I myself figured she would never get to see her grandma alive again.  I can't even tell you what else she was saying because I just kept saying "Courtney.  Courtney.  Courtney." getting louder each time.  I kept trying to tell her to pull her $hit together. She finally actually stopped & heard me.  I told her IF she could stop & pull herself together I would video call her so she could see and talk to Mom before life flight got there.  I told her if she did NOT get herself together that I wouldn't video call her.  I did NOT want my mom to see ANYONE scared enough that they were crying & basically hysterical.  I wanted nothing but positivity surrounding her and didn't want her any more scared than she already had to be.  For my mom, we ALL had to keep it together as best we could in front of her.   I told Courtney that I was hanging up now, and I'd give her a few minutes then I'd video call her.  She said ok.  I waited a few minutes, then called and she got to see and talk to Mom.  

The nurse was in there at that time, and right after I hung up, the life flight team came in.  It was immediately apparent that the older lady, probably around my age, was the one in charge.  I don't know if she was a doctor or a nurse or what but she was most definitely in charge and was literally BARKING at the BVH nurse.  In all honesty, she was scary as he!! to me haha. -At that point anyway.  She was asking the nurse questions.  She wanted to know why he was just getting ready to give my mom a shot of Ativan.  He explained what I had told him about mom's fear, and that the doctor ok'd the dose.  She quickly and meanly started barking out all of the reasons why Ativan should NOT be given at this point and said it pi$$ed her off that the doctor there would even ok it.  So then she really started asking a lot of questions.  -Why did you do this test? Why didn't you do that test? Why did you give this medication?  Why didn't you give that medication? She asked why Mom's BP was that high & said "Why isn't she on a drip?".  I timidly spoke up and said "Well since yesterday when we got here..." and she cut me off yelling, "Yesterday?  She's been HERE since yesterday?" I nodded my head and said, "Yes I got her here somewhere around 6pm yesterday".  She said, "She's been here, in this ER, since yesterday?" to which I again nodded my head yes, even though I knew the question was rhetorical and that whoever this lady in charge was, was not happy at all. In fact, she was downright LIVID!  I told her that the ER charge nurse had told me that they hadn't given her anything to bring down the blood pressure "Because that might be helping.  The extra pressure of it running high might just be putting enough pressure on those vessels to keep the bleeding slowed. If we lowered her BP, it may end up letting that bleed really let loose".  If I could only describe the look of anger on this lady's face.  Her arms were crossed over her chest and her foot and hip were cocked out.  Her head was down and to the side a little bit and she just started shaking her head and said "No, that's a bad move.  It doesn't work that way". 

Her crew then lifted Mom from the ER bed to the life flight bed. I knew it was time for me to go, even though there was no way I would ever make it to Toledo by the time Mom got there. I told the team that I just needed to give my mom a kiss before I left.  I kissed her and kept saying how much I loved her and how strong she was. I said "You've had a major stroke but you can still talk, your face isn't droopy, you can move and use both of your arms and legs and hands.  You're winning!! YOU are amazing.  You're a miracle and you're the strongest woman I've ever known.  Just look at everything that you've beat over the years!  Dad wants me to come home and ride up to Toledo with him.  You're going by helicopter, so you'll be there before we can get there but I will see you in Toledo!  Dad and I will be there for you.  Don't be afraid to fly either Mom, I promise you it's really fun".  

As I turned away from her and headed out of the cubicle, I couldn't help but for the tears to now come sliding down my cheeks. I still was able to stay silent though, and not sob. As I approached the scary lady, she became not so scary.  She stopped me and reached up and hugged me.  She hugged me tight for at least 30-45 seconds and she whispered in my ear to me, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that they've fuc$ed this up the way they have".  It dawned on me instantly that this lady is NOT scary.  This lady just knows her $hit and truly CARES about her patients.

Mom August 12, 2023 at ProMedica Toledo Hospital Neuro ICU

On the drive back to my house, to ride to Toledo with my father, I told my BFF "I just had to drive away from my mom, for what probably will be the last time I ever see her alive again.  She's probably going into emergency surgery as soon as she gets there and we won't be there yet, and she probably won't survive the surgery. My mom is probably dying, and I know she's scared, and she's petrified of flying and I just had to drive away, leaving her all alone.  That shatters my heart to know she's scared and alone".  I knew she had a life flight crew, but alone as in nobody with her that loves her and cares about her that she knows & trusts. I used the drive home, to go ahead and let myself cry and be hysterical, but knew I had to have it together by the time I got home.  My dad is a pretty non-hysterical type of person and doesn't believe in crying.  He doesn't think anyone should cry.  I didn't want yelled at by him for being so upset, on top of how upset I truly was. So I pulled it together again.

My uncle, Mom's brother, was already at the hospital by the time I got to my house.  As Dad and I were walking out to get in the car, he called me.  He said that she was still in the ER being assessed and that they wouldn't allow him back with her.  He said that she had already been admitted to a room in Neuro ICU, so they made him go upstairs and wait in the Neuro ICU waiting room so just to come straight up there. I told him yeah, that they had given me the room number for her while she was still at BVH.  When we were almost there my daughter Courtney called me.  She and her fiance got there probably around 30-45 minutes before we made it there.  She said that she had pushed the button and asked a nurse for an update since nobody had heard anything and it had been like 2hrs since Mom had arrived.  She said the nurse told her that mom was stable and was currently getting a CT scan.

Shortly after Dad and I got there a nurse came out and said that we could see Mom now, 2 at a time.  Now, get this ....they said that Mom was NOT actively bleeding!!  My mouth LITERALLY fell open, you guys!  I said no, they told me that she had an ischemic stroke that converged and that she now has a hemorrhagic stroke, that she's actively bleeding.  She was shaking her head no.  She said, "No, it did NOT converge. She isn't actively bleeding. I don't know who read her results and said she was actively bleeding, but I'm really sorry that was communicated to you". I said, "The charge nurse at  BVH told me that they sent you guys her scans and you guys looked at them and said it had converged and she was actively bleeding to get her to you now and by life flight".  She said, "Nobody from here told them that so I am really sorry that you've just had to go through that". 

From this right here, I learned that a person CAN be extremely angry, yet extremely thankful, at the exact same time lol.  Now, Mom is still as of today, Sunday, August 13, 2023, in Neuro ICU.  She has been under watch for possible emergency surgery to remove a portion of her skull to relieve pressure from swelling in her brain.  As of Saturday, August 12, 2023, they removed the arterial line because she had been SO stable.  I was again warrened though, about how quickly someone in her position "could" deteriorate, but that she was doing good holding steady so long.  Today, August 13th, they finally had her work with PT for the first time.  They got her up and into the chair in her room.  She sat in the chair for an hour and a half!  They told me that right now she does lean to the side when sitting.  They wedged a pillow on her to try and help her sit without leaning.  She's still flunking the swallow study, so she's still being fed via NG tube.  They told me that speech pathology will work with her though, and help her build those swallow muscles back up again.  -To hear my mom literally beg for "just one sip of something cold" or "A great big cup of ice cubes" and have to withhold it from her, really hurts me. I keep explaining to her why she can't have it yet, while also trying to reassure her that the SLP will have her swallowing again in no time! lol

To say I've been on a week-long mental rollercoaster ride is an understatement.  I'm in a huge fibro flare from the stress and anxiety.  My middle back hurts so bad sitting here that I literally am nauseous.  I get areas of tingling in my body.  My head hurts. I can't begin to explain how COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED I am right now mentally and physically both, from the fibro flare that the stress has caused.  I'm just absolutely exhausted. Anyone with fibro knows though, that with fibro you wake up each day, every bit as tired as when you went to bed.  Now add in my worst fibro symptom, insomnia, and try to figure out how tired I am. 

It's already 2:54am Monday morning and I STILL haven't even been able to turn on a tv show to listen to, while I play mindless games on my phone.  That is the distraction technique and one I have to use normally each night anyway.  With all I have going on right now, I need it for that too lol. I'm going to sign off now, to try to be able to do that and still get a little sleep.  -It's SO scary to me to sleep right now, as I'm always afraid I'll be woken up by my phone ringing with the hospital saying she took a bad turn south on us. But I really do need to try to get a little sleep.  Our lawn guy will be here mowing around 9:30-10am.  So if I can unwind in the next hour to an hour and a half I can still catch a few Zzzz's lol. 

Ya'll know the motto of this blog.  "Never Give Up HOPE.  Without HOPE, you don't have anything"!!  Even though I always live my life by this motto, I literally have been CLINGING to it for the past 1 week.  So my fellow froggies, remember to Never give up HOPE!  Also remember, always try to educate and advocate about fibromyalgia.  I still believe that education is key and is what will unlock funding for future research.  I still live with the HOPE, that someday a cure will be found!   

 

Being Single While Living In A Broken Body: No One In My Life Gets It

 I'll start off by warning ya, I'm definitely in my feels today.  There won't be any photos or inspiring or cutesy or funny memes in this post to break it up. Yes, I'm a Certified Master Life Coach.  Yes, I'm a meditation facilitator.  Yes, I'm an Emotional Intelligence Coach.  Yes, I'm a NLP Practioner.  -And YES, I'm still human.  I still ride the emotional rollercoaster that all of you also ride.  Every human being has feelings, ups, and downs.  They experience sadness and regret and remorse.  It isn't all happiness, laughter, and sunshine for anyone, me included.

Now, anyone who's followed this blog for a long time, or is a Facebook friend, knows that I am abundantly transparent in my life.  The whole premise for starting this blog was the frustration I felt the first few times I sat down and googled for help with Fibromyalgia.  Newly diagnosed all I could think about was "There is no cure, I'm going to feel like this or worse, for the rest of my entire life". Every blog I came across was all cheerleader-like with simple posts talking about how strong we are.  How we're warriors.  Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah!!!!  Noooo!!!!!  Where are the posts talking about the struggles?  The posts talking about how it was hard to pull yourself out of bed in the morning, let alone to change from pj's to regular clothes.  The posts that talk about "I had a bad pain flare, and I tried this, this, and this but it didn't work.  I DID find a little relief though by doing this, this, and this".  It made me feel so alone. It made me feel like everyone else who had this disease was navigating it so easily, and here I am fumbling around in tears, in immense pain, and with insomnia flares that last a few weeks at a time.  I didn't know a thing about blogging.  I'm a true IT dummy.  I spent hours upon hours trying to learn what HTML was.  How to enter it into a blog, etc.  So then, The Fibro Frog was born with the sole intention of putting the real raw truth out there about what it's like to live trapped in a broken, sick body.  What research is being done? I've interviewed many scientists and doctors.  They've also interviewed ME.  I wanted to educate the general public about living with chronic illnesses, and I also wanted anyone newly diagnosed & scared, to know they weren't alone.  

Those who've been around and know me, also know that I had a real "gem" of a husband.  I never knew from one day to the next, if he'd really come home after work.  Or if he really was at work. Or if I'd find another new dating profile for him .....but guys, to this day he swears he never cheated on me lol.  So, getting diagnosed with an illness I was going to have for the rest of my life, was his newest excuse to leave me.  He told me he was going to scope out some public hunting land a few hours away from us, but then disappeared without a word for 3 days, until he texted our child on day 3 (which happened to be Easter Sunday, by the way) and say that he would be there around 10pm that night to pick up his clothes.  To tell me to have them ready for him, that he was leaving me.  -I won't even get into how disgusting and cowardly it was for him to text that to our child, and not me. When he showed up, his excuse to me was that he couldn't take being with me, where I was going to be sick for the rest of my life.  He said it would cause him to have too much anxiety and that his blood pressure already always runs high.  That for his health, he had to leave me.  -But he'd met someone online.  I guess he had been talking to her for quite a while behind my back.  He left me and immediately moved in with her. -But remember you guys, ....he never cheated on me lol.  

So that was just over 12 years ago.  For just over twelve years, I've been completely single.  That means that no matter how $hitty I've felt, I've still had to figure out a way to support myself.  My bills sure didn't stop just because I was sick & single.  He had promised to pay child support, but that was just a "tell her what she wants to hear so she doesn't go get a support order against me" promise.  He paid me nothing.  NOTHING.  Until I did go get an order for child support for our two teenage children.  Then, he started the good ole job hopping to try to get out of it.  As soon as child support would catch up to him and take one or two payments, I'd get nothing again. Because he'd quit and went to a different company and it would take child support 2-3 months to catch up to him at the new place of employment.  It was absolutely disgusting.  -See, I'm sidetracking again.  My mind has just been a complete jumble today.  -Thank's fibro.  The cognitive delays have been real lately.  Trust me.  

So now, let's go back three years this past spring.  I'd really been having a lot of trouble with my hips hurting.  Especially the right one.  My mom had just had her left hip replaced.  I had just moved in with her and my dad, the day before her surgery, to be there to help her.  When I took her to a post-surgery appointment, she told her doctor about my pain.  He asked me about it and I gave him a quick rundown of fibromyalgia, and osteoarthritis, and told him my old pain management doctor had said I have bursitis in my right hip.  He ordered MRI's of both of my hips.  My appointment for the results was at the same time as my mom's next post-surgery appointment. He cheerfully slapped my images up on a machine and said "Look!  Both of your hips almost exactly mirror your moms before her surgery".  Ugh!  So, you're telling me that I need my hips replaced too.  Of course, I didn't do it at that time.

For about the past year, my left hip has hurt waaayyyy worse than my right one ever did.  I'm at the point where I sleep sitting up at my desk most nights, until 6-8am, then go lay down in my bed for a few more hours of sleep laying down.  See, I cannot lay in my bed, for longer than 4 hrs ....5 if I'm having a super great night, without waking up due to the bone aching pain of my left hip.  It's a really deep ache.  Down in the bone.  Almost like someone has driven a huge spike down into my hip bone.  For the past month, it's caused my left knee to ache pretty bad too. 

My mom and youngest daughter have both been after me about getting my hips replaced.  Can I just say how literally exhausting it is to keep trying to explain to people that you absolutely cannot afford to be off work for 6-8 weeks (per hip which they will be done separately)?  I already was having a bad day today and was in some pretty major pain.  I was standing there holding my purse and my door dash bag, ready to walk out & leave to drive to Findlay and dash when my youngest daughter and my mom started in on me.  They double-teamed me on how I need to go have the surgery.  My mom said, "I have Dr. XX's number in my phone.  Do you want me to call and make you an appointment?".  Once again, I stated that I absolutely cannot afford to not work, during the recovery of the hip replacement.  My daughter kept saying "Your health is more important. You have to put your health first".  My mom has a husband that makes sure she has what she needs and is well taken care of.  My daughter has a fiance that she lives with, that she can fall back on for money if needed.  I DO NOT HAVE THAT LUXURY!!  

I have dumped every single penny I've had, into certification courses for this new business.  Marketing.  Business cards.  Training courses.  Website hosting. Etc, etc, etc.  I have gone out on a limb, with just a hope and a prayer!  I don't have a plan B.  I don't have a safety net to catch me if I fall.  I don't have anyone that loves me and wants to help take care of me.  I have ME.  It's obvious that I can't door dash for life, because of my health.  It's what I'm doing right now though, to try to support myself until I can fully launch my new business and start obtaining clients.  It's how I get the money to pay for the certification courses, web hosting, shopping carts and marketing, and all of my day-to-day expenses that I have.  Like any human has.  

They both legit were getting mad at me, when I kept trying to explain this.  Once I get my new business going and obtain a few clients, I can go get my hips replaced because, with my new business, I'll be meeting with clients via Zoom or another online meeting platform.  It's cool because doing it this way I not only can take on clients anywhere in the entire world, but I don't have to leave my house to do so! I'll be able to work, within 2 days of having the surgery. I can easily use my laptop, while I'm in a recliner with my leg elevated lol. It's so frustrating to me, that people in my life cannot understand why I've been putting off this surgery.  Believe me, I hate being in so much pain every day.  I hate not being able to lay down in a bed at night, to go to sleep.  -I don't get good rest sitting up like that. I wake up with my forehead on my desk and a mark on my face from it lol. Like I have hip & knee pain, but I also still have my fibromyalgia pain too, folks.  It's no fun.  But when you're living in a broken body and you're single, you don't have a lot of options.  You do what you have to do.  Right now, what I have to do is to get out there & door dash so I can pay my bills and live until I get this new business officially launched and start obtaining clients.  There is no way that I have the physical stamina to go out and door dash 7 days a week, for 10-12 hrs at a time like I used to be able to do a few years ago.  If I could then yes, I'd be able to bank back a couple months worth of money for bills and living expenses.  But I just can't do that anymore.  

They were both yelling at me for going door dashing today because not only was my left hip and knee killing me, but we all had just gotten home from the grocery store, where my mom rolled the electric cart up onto my right big toe and on an angle onto my foot right between the big toe and next toe.  She didn't just roll over it though, she rolled up onto it ....I started screaming so she panicked and sat there ON my big toe before finally realizing she probably should get off of my toe and then rolled over it!!  Believe me, I cried real tears with that one lol.  But hurting or not, being single I still had to work today.  My phone bill was due before midnight tomorrow night, so I had no choice but to go to work & make the money to pay my phone bill.  

Just everything, left me extremely emotional today.  I literally would have tears rolling down my cheeks between restaurant pickups and customer drop-offs. But I did what I needed to do.  I made the money to pay my phone bill, plus just a little bit extra.  My entire point is though, if I have to dash to pay a phone bill, how in the he!! do you expect me to be able to afford to be off work for 6-8 weeks to go have my hip replaced?!  I not only live month-to-month or week-to-week right now, but I'm currently living day-by-day!!  -When I say I've sunk every penny I can into this new business, I was not lying lol.  I'm just a poor, broke, single girl. Right now, anyway.  For my life, I couldn't get them to understand that where I'm single, and where I live every single day in a broken body, I have to get this new business going.  I have to you guys.  I have to have a job that will allow me to live my life comfortably, without having to leave my house and punch a time card Monday through Friday.  My fellow Fibro Froggies understand how with a bad fibro flare, we may not be able to leave our house and we can't stand in one place for very long, nor can we stand period for very long. Just like we can't sit for very long either.  Sitting and standing have to be alternated.  If we've had an insomnia flare, we may not be able to show up at the job at 8am and punch in.  It's hard for us to bend, and to pick up heavy objects or to push or pull them.  It just physically is not in us!  I have SO many other illnesses along with fibromyalgia, too.  

So right now, I have to concentrate on getting Positive Pathways -with Amy Mullholand officially launched.  I have to door dash until I do get Positive Pathways -with Amy Mullholand launched and start obtaining clients.  Once that happens, I will have my left hip replaced.  Until then, I will never be able to get 6-8 weeks' worth of money put back, to be able to have the surgery.  I'm broke and have no one to fall back on to help me pay my bills & live.  Living in a broken body is hard even if you DO have a significant other in your life.  Being single makes it all just a little bit harder.  When you're single, even on your worse day you still have to do whatever it is that you have to do.  You don't have any help.  You grit your teeth and do it, even though tears may fall down your cheeks while you're doing it.  You just push through anyway, because you don't have any other options but to push through and do it!

This has been a really long vent story about how badly I wish people that aren't living in broken bodies and are not single, would understand that there isn't anything that comes "easy" for me.  I don't have the luxury of not going out and working even in a flare if I have a bill due.  I especially don't have the luxury of being able to have surgery when I need it, if I don't find a better way to support myself.  I'd almost kill to be able to buy a new bed and see if that allowed me to sleep in a bed again (mines over a decade old), or to rent a hotel room with a jacuzzi in it, to help ease the aches of my bones and muscles, but if I can't do that even, how in the he!! do you think I can take off 6-8 weeks?  I just can't, until I get the business going. It's impossible right now & they just can't understand that!  It's frustrating! I think part of what emotionally was hurting me today, was the fact that every time I was refuting a statement my daughter was making, by saying "When I get the new business going, I'll be able to have the surgeries because I'll be able to still work!  I can meet with my client in my BED even if I really have to.  That's the beauty of online appointments" she would act like that was never going to happen.  She absolutely didn't come out & say that my business would never succeed, but it's the impression that she left with me.  Even just typing that sentence has once again made my eyes well up with tears. I don't go down easily, and she knows that!  I didn't know how to blog and literally jumped up & down when I hit 50 followers. When I hit 500, I literally cried.  Let's fast forward to 17,000 followers, and after FB weeded out old, inactive profiles recently, I still have just under 16,000.  I won awards for having a top blog from reputable places such as Healthline (from them, 5 or 6 years in a ROW!), I've been interviewed by CNN and Everyday Health's Dr. Sanjay Gupta. I was asked to be a contributing author to many online health & wellness magazines.  I was asked to be a contributing editor for a book on Fibromyalgia and to write a blurb that's on the back of the book.  I've been quoted in Teen Vogue and Allure Magazines, in articles about Lady Gaga having fibro.  I was on a TV show, on TLC.  She knows that my entire LIFE, I'm the person everyone has come to for advice and help.  She knows that MANY people within both the Chronic Illness AND the LGBTQIA+ communities have sought me out online, for help, advice, and just a listening ear.  She knows that I'm a HUGE empath and that I've always helped anyone and everyone I could.  -Yet she doubts me that I will make this new business succeed?  That honestly really hurts me.  I don't think my mom really believes I'll make it a success either.  I don't go down easily and without a fight though, trust me.  This new business WILL succeed.  I can look back and the signs have ALWAYS been there. I just was too blind (or stubborn lol) to see it though and kept taking the wrong path.  Every single indication that THIS is what I'm supposed to do with my life, is there.  A new venture though, takes time and money for anyone.  When you're single and your only income is door dashing, it takes even longer.  But I WILL eventually get there, folks.  And when I do, I'll have a brand new mattress delivered the morning before my surgery to have a nice comfy bed to recuperate in, I'll spend the night before the surgery in a hotel room with a jacuzzi suite in it, I'll get my dang surgery that everyone keeps yelling at me to get.  Then when I come home from being in the hospital a couple of days, I will get my laptop, prop myself up in my new comfy bed, and resume meeting with my clients.  -Like the old movie quote says: "Built it and they will come".  I started this blog with that quote in mind. I started my food trailer business with that quote in mind (btw a big HUGE F-YOU to Covid for sinking that business for me), and I'm starting Positive Pathways -with Amy Mullholand with once again, that quote in mind.  I WILL make it successful.  Just watch me!