I hate drugs. I've always hated them. Even as a teenager, I'd rather moan and wriggle, and exclaim that I was going to die, than to take a stinking Tylenol or two for period cramps or a headache. I really don't know what my hang-up has always been about them, but it used to make me half sick to my stomach to even swallow one. To even think about taking drugs of any kind.
I've exlaimed to both my family doc and my pain management doc, that I refuse all narcotics until the day comes that I can't move or walk and just absolutely have to have them to drag my butt out of bed. In all honesty, I'd rather cry (and I have many times) due to pain then to gag down some stupid narcotic that eventually would make me become addicted to it's nastiness.
Where I refuse narcotics, I'm prescribed Tramadol for pain. Oh let me tell you about that nasty little drug! A synthetic opiod. A non-narcotic. They can say it's a non-narcotic all they want but I think the effects of it is just as bad. I have to feel as if I'm about to die, to swallow one of those evil little white pills.
This afternoon, the pain was so intense that I thought about it for a little while. My thought process went something like this: "Ouch! Cuss words in my head. Am I gonna die? Cuss words in my head. Should I take a Tramadol? -Or would I be better off not to take a Tramadol and see if the pain actually does kill me? Let's think this through. Death? Tramadol? Death? Tramadol? Hmmm ...ok, I guess I'll take a *!^* Tramadol."
After about 20-30 minutes of swallowing the dumb thing, I started getting cotton mouth. A few minutes later, I started feeling jittery inside. About 10 minutes after that, I felt like I was completey wasted, fubar drunk. Then, the jittery-ness became even worse yet. Next, the drunk feeling subsided a bit but my insides still felt jittery. I felt nauseous and had a dull headache. I was sitting here just zoning and kind of felt like I was outside of my body watching it. I'm still in the last phase of the nausea/headache/zoning/feeling like I'm outside of my body.
What is that they say about hindsight? -If I had it to do over again, I never would have taken the damn pill earlier. I would have taken my over dramatic chances on the pain causing death and dealt with it. The Tramadol doesn't take it all away for me anyway. I don't see how people can be druggies. For the life of me, I can't understand why someone would want to feel like this. How in the world can they like this type of feeling? I just do not get it.
Sometimes, it all feels like a cruel joke to me. If anyone should be a druggy, it should be me to take away my pain ...but I detest it more than anything! It feels ironic to me, and I picture some evil, sadistic person sitting around laughing about it after cursing me to suffer from a debilitating chronic pain illness and cursing me to hate drugs.
Why, oh why isn't there a cure for Fibromyalgia? My opinion of that answer is because not enough people know enough about it. Not enough people know the truth about it. It isn't important enough to non-sufferers to want to provide funding for further research. That will never change unless we the sufferers change it. Everyday I ask myself the question "How can I change that?". The only conclusion I can come up with is to keep opening my big mouth. Keep sharing the realities of our daily lives. Keep trying to get the word out.
I've been plagued with pain, insomnia, and depression flares over and over for awhile now. I've thought "What does it matter if I blog or update the facebook page because my little big ole mouth isn't going to make a difference. Who's going to listen to me or care what I have to say or how miserably pathetic my life has become because of this illness". I've even contemplated giving up the blog and facebook page. As you can see on both here and the facebook page, I've let myself sit and wallow in a miserable puddle of self-pity but the effects of this damn pill today has pulled my head out and made me start "trying" again. If nothing or nobody else, I've been letting myself down by not blogging or updating facebook. If I suffer daily with Fibromyalgia and I won't try to get the word out about it, then how in the hell can I expect other people to do it? I can't.
My blog, my whines, my cries, my pleas and begging may never help lead to a cure or understanding and compassion concerning Fibro but doing nothing certainly will not get it done. No one outside of this blog may ever know who I am, or what I've endured in my life but at least with this I know I've tried. My children will know I tried. I'll know that when I'm dead and gone, my children will know that I went with dignity and never giving up hope. They can be proud of me that I didn't just give up and lay down without a fight. I stood up for myself and the millions of others out there, that suffer every single day of their lives.
Will you all fight this fight with me? Will you do everything you can to create awareness and demand further research? Let's do this together! Let's roar!
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