Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Random Thoughts

So many times in the past, I've found myself wondering if I did something horrible to deserve to live with the health issues I have.  I wondered if it was some sort of punishment.  Karma.  Tonight, as I sit here with a cold or the flu that's wrecking havic on my respitory system from my COPD, my mind wanders down that path again.  

I know that's a silly train of thought.  I know what kind of person I am, and what kind of person I've always been.  I've always had a good, loving heart.  Of course I have some bad qualities, and I'm certainly not a Saint, ....but overall I'm a good person.  I've never done anything bad enough to deserve to be sitting here gasping for air.  To live in pain every day of my life.  To never have any energy.

All of that thinking leads me in circles.  Circle after circle until my brain is dizzy and spinning.  Question after question pops into my head.  Why do good people die young?  Why do some really bad people get away with murder (literally) ...or rape  ...or child abuse.  They go unpunished sometimes by the legal system.  They also sometimes go unpunished by karma.  They have their health.  They a lot of times are wealthy.  What in the world could I have done to deserve a life like this?  Is there really such a thing as karma?  I don't think there's really such a thing as karma because if there is, it isn't making much sense.  

Is it all just random luck?  I've always heard that a person makes their own luck.  I'm not sure I believe that.  Sure, a person can do things in their lives to try and help give them an advantage ...but to truly make your own luck?  I don't know.  

I end up going back to punishment again.  Maybe, it's some sort of punishment for not taking advantage of all the opportunities in life that had come my way. Maybe it really is karma.  Karma saying "You were just slumping through life instead of doing what you were meant to do, so it doesn't really matter if you live life or not".  

Ever since I was a small child, I had wanted to be a doctor.  At the age of 11, my walls were plastered with posters of the human body.  Anatomy posters.  Drug rep posters.  Any poster that my doctor had graciously given to me, that he'd received from reps.  He knew my desire to one day go to medical school.

At age 12, my doctor asked me if I'd like to start coming in on Saturdays and shadowing him, to feed my never ending desire for medical information.  I was ecstatic!  Every Saturday from 9am-12pm I'd follow him around like I was really something important, and I'd take in his every move and every word to patients.  I can not begin to tell you my excitement when one day he asked if I'd like to assist him bereaving some skin from a burn on someone's hand (after getting their permission of course).  

Then a few years later I turned into a know-it-all-snot-nosed-teenager-who-thought-she-was-in-love.  At the age of 17, I informed my parents that I wanted to take senior english and senior government through independent studies so that I could graduate that year ...my junior year of high school.  I told them I wanted to graduate a year early, and get married in June right after graduation.  I had plenty of credits to graduate a year early, I just needed to have the mandatory english and government credits to do it.  

My parents about had a heart attack when I sprung this on them!  In my typical defiant teenager way, the tears started spraying and I started yelling at them that if they wouldn't sign for me to get married in June, that 5 months later when I turned 18 my boyfriend and I would just run away and get married.  Why my parents gave in to that tirade, I still don't know.  They finally agreed.  

Boy were we stupid.  He was a senior (where I was a junior) and he'd been accepted into an amazing college where he was going to major in engineering.  I had wanted to go to college for pre-med ..then eventually med school.  Instead, without a pregnancy even involved, we opted to throw that away in the name of love, and marry so very young.  Five months later, on my 18th birthday exactly, a doctor told me I was pregnant.  There went any dreams of college for either of us.

I worked hard throughout my life, but I was never very successful at anything. Without a proper secondary education I was at a huge disadvantage.  I worked one minimum wage job after another.  My marriage lasted for about 5 years, and 2 kids.  

That leads us to today.  I'm sitting home alone with my body killing me, coughing a lung up, running a fever, gasping for air, writing to you, and wondering why I've been dealt a crap sandwich for my health.  I'm never going to get the answers to my questions.  I'm never going to know why I have to live my life sick and in pain.  The only thing I *can* do, is keep smiling.  Keep hoping.  Keep believing.  Keep believing and hoping, that one day there will be a treatment plan.  

Hold on to hope everyone, and always try to smile.


  1. I wrote many positives in our lives and clicked on preview and lost it. I don't deserve these illnesses but on the other hand I don't deserve food any time i want it, or a comfortable bed, or a hot bath at the turn of a handle. I ABSOLUTELY COULD NEVER DESERVE What JESUS Willingly did for ME or the Abundant Love of God. I am truly Blessed. God Bless YOU, Sweetheart.

  2. The way I think of it is that I can handle this. I may be miserable, but maybe I suffer so that my nieces, nephews, & sisters do not have to. I also know it makes me a stronger and kinder person. My experience may help someone else understand theirs.

  3. If you are looking for some logical and Biblical answers I invite you to search "Why do bad things happen to good people?" at JW.ORG. God does not delight in the pain and suffering of his creation but there are factors involved that are laid out in the Bible that go beyond our simply accepting our pain and believing in Jesus. The truths that I have found are the only thing that get me through the really unbearable moments when I hurt so much I want to die. Don't worry, I'm not trying to throw the Bible at you but I thought if you could entertain the idea of karma maybe you would be willing to check this out, too. Gentle hugs. I love your blog.

  4. Amy, I threw the opportunity for a free ride to college away in the name of love also. My parents were going to pay my way through college after I graduated and well I chose to walk away from that opportunity also. Here I am at 45 getting ready to start my 4th semester in college. There are many days that I can barely function and wonder who stole all my spoons for the day. Every month things are getting worse for me or I am allowed less spoons for the day. My hubby and I sit and ask each other how people do it because if it were not for bad luck, we would not have any luck. Everything seems to go wrong for us. We have learned that the $90,000/year income is not what it was cracked up to be and are surviving on way, way, way less than that now that we are both attending college through grants. How much longer I can continue, I do not know. Pain is something that makes all of our lives miserable and makes black hole under our favorite blanket look better inviting all the time. There are times, I have to hide in the bathroom to cry because the pain has got the best of me and I refuse to let anyone see me cry, not the children in my childcare program, my husband or my daughter. Pain meds are only available to me on the weekends when I am not "working," taking care of children. Life sometimes is so unfair to the best of us. They always say that God will not give you more than you can handle, what he gives you just makes you stronger. Well, at this point, you and I both have had to become a pair of super strong women of we would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Keep pushing and doing what you do girl! We are all this together! <3

  5. im glad to know im not the only one that gets that twisted thinking about karma and punishment

  6. No one deserves the pain we live with. We've all made mistakes in life but that doesn't mean that we somehow deserve bad things to happen. Really, who says any of it was a mistake. The way I see it life happens for a reason, we are there to learn from it and use it later, that's all we can do.