Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Greed Trap

Pretty snazzy little car, isn't it?  My parents just bought one of these, a 2013 Hyundai Veloster, a couple of weeks ago.  Their's is even white in color, as this one is.  When I saw it, I thought "Oh my gosh!  It's so cute!".  It is cute!  It isn't a 2-door car, nor is it a 4-door car.  It's a three door car.  Of course when they first got it they wanted to take me for a ride in it.  I eagerly opened the 3rd door for the back seat, and proceeded to crawl in.  Yes, crawl.  There was no way to just open the door and get in, like a person would do in a "regular" car.  I though to myself  "Hmm ...this car is really cute, and the inside, dashboard, built in message screen, etc is completely awesome.  But it's sure rough to get in and out of!".  Riding upfront it's a comfy, sporty little ride.  The backseat though, is a whole 'nother story!

The day before yesterday, my phone rang around 9:30am and woke me up. With my eyes blurry I came charging into the dining room to answer the phone and have it be a solicitor calling.  "Congrats!  This is your captain speaking.  You've won a free cruise!"  As a fog horn was blowing in the background.  Disgusted, I hung up.  I let out a big sigh and went to start a pot of coffee.  I usually can't fall asleep until around 4 or 5am so I was quite tired, but once my feet hit the floor, I can't go back to sleep. 

Around 11:30am my phone rang again.  This time it was my dad.  All loud and cheery sounding he said "Hello Amy!  How are you today?"  I visibly winced at the cheery-ness of his voice.  He said that he was going to go about 40-45 minutes away to look at a car.  -They buy new cars, but then they always have what they call "an older beater to bum around in".  He said that my mom didn't want to go but she didn't have any choice because if he bought the car, he'd need to drive it home and mom would need to drive the Veloster home.  Dad asked me if I'd go with them to ride back home with my mom, because she gets nervous driving by herself on the highway.  Then, he completely bribed me without even trying to disguise the fact it was a bribe.  He said "If you come with us we'll stop and eat out for lunch, and I'll buy.".  Hmmm ....well, I was really tired, and was having a pain day that could potentially escalate given the opportunity, but... he was going to buy me lunch out.  I don't have the money to do that often these days, and I sat there thinking about that.  Finally, the greediness in me won out and I quickly told him "Ok, I'll go.  I'll go get dressed while I wait on you two to get here.".  

I stood outside talking to my neighbor, waiting on my parents.  They came pulling up, and I eagerly walked up to the car and opened that tiny crack that's called a "third door".  I wiggled and squeezed, and huffed and puffed, and got my head stuck ...yes, stuck trying to get in the back seat.  My head was shoved completely forward with my chin on my chest, my rear-end and legs was in the car, but the top/back part of my head was smashed into the ceiling of the car.  I started saying "ouch" and wriggling around and finally I was able to get my head popped back to behind the ceiling.  See, in the Veloster, the ceiling is lower and then back by the rear window, it gets taller.  After clearing the ceiling and finally having my head straight up again I thought "Wow, do I really want to go with them in this tiny little car?"  I quickly remembered the bribe.  The chance to eat out for free.  My mouth started watering and I quickly put the thought of abandoning ship behind me.  I thought to myself, "Well, it's not like I'll have to get in and out many times anyway.".  Little did I know the in-out fate that gladly awaited me.

We'd been driving about 15 minutes when my mom said to me "You should've brought one of your travel mugs with coffee in it".  She knows of my love of coffee.  That prompted my dad to ask my mom if she'd like a cup of coffee because if so, he'd stop and buy her and I one at a gas station.  She said sure, that she'd like that.  So, about 5 minutes later we were parked at a gas station and I was trying to push and pull and pry my big butt out of the back seat of the car, to go in and get coffee.  At this point I made a comment in a laughing, nice way about "boy is this car hard to get in and out of, but it's sure a cute, sporty little thing if you're not abolished to the back seat".  After getting the coffee, we walk back out to the car.  I told my mom that she'd have to hold my cup of coffee for me to get in, because without anything in my hands, it's near impossible, not to mention painful, to get into that car.  I proceeded to try to climb in, muttering a few "Ouch!" and "gosh" comments.

We get to where we're going.  Mom and I wait in the car while my dad talks to the guy who has the vehicle for sale.  We sit there waiting for him to test drive it and decide if he's going to buy it or not.  We watched him shake hands with the young guy and head back to our car.  No sale.  Dad starts heading back towards home, only he went the wrong direction.  After getting turned around the right direction, he decides he has to use the restroom.  When he stops, he basically demands that my mom and I get out of the car too, because we should "try" to use the bathroom too.  Ummm ...dad, I'm not 5 anymore.  I told him I didn't have to go and would wait in the car.  He told me I "really should" at least go try.  *sigh* Arguing with him about it wasn't worth it.  I again heaved my fat butt out of the car.  Now, don't get me wrong, getting OUT of the car is MUCH easier then getting IN the car, but even getting out was hard, hurt my arms with me pushing and prying to get out, and hurt my leg muscle.  

Back to the car we all went.  I'll spare you all the "ouch" words I again muttered, while even worse words ran through my head.  About 15 minutes down the road he whips into a restaurant.  Finally.  My reward for the struggling and the pain.  Eating lunch out for free.  I eagerly hoisted myself out this time, smelling the food, and having my mouth start watering again. The food was good and I kept thinking "Well, I guess this wasn't *too* bad.  It was worth the in and out of the horrible back seat I guess".  Going back out and trying to get in again, was even harder with a full stomach.  This time, my head really DID get stuck.  I started to panic a little bit telling my mom "Oh my gosh, my head is completely stuck I don't know what to do!".  Every time that I'd get in and it would smash my head forward until my chin was on my chest, it'd just kill my neck. I'm having two surgical procedures on my neck real soon, so it's not like it hurt or gave me problems in the first place.  <----Yes, insert sarcasm here.  Finally, after pushing, twisting, and now angrily not caring if I hurt their feelings or not by exclaiming "I HATE your new car!", my head finally popped backwards so that I could sit straight again.  

About 20 minutes before we got home, dad saw a vehicle sitting by the road for sale.  He stopped to look at this one.  The guy he talked with said that the vehicle wasn't his, it belonged to his friend.  The guy who owned the vehicle was an older gentleman who lived in a small town about 10 minutes away from where the vehicle was sitting.  Waiting on dad to come back to the car, I told my mom with a huge sigh "I have to use the bathroom now, but I'm going to try to hold it until we get home".  My dad came back to the car and told us we had to go to the other town to find the guy that owned the Explorer.  Dad had his name, but not an address or phone number.  Mom told him that I had to use the restroom, so he said "Ok.  There's a little IGA type grocery store there, so I'll stop and see if I can look in their phone book for the guy, and Amy can use the restroom".  I said "Well, can you go in and make sure they have a restroom before I pry myself out of this car again?".  He told me "Oh don't worry.  They even have a Subway inside there so they'll have a bathroom".  WRONG!  I hauled myself out of the car, went inside, walked to the Subway part, asked where the bathroom was and the girl looked at me and said "Oh I'm sorry.  We don't have a public bathroom here.".  I was disgusted, wondering how in the world they could get around laws to have a place to eat inside, without having a public bathroom.  I thought it was state law that if food was served, they had to have public access to a restroom.  Show's how little I know.

My dad found where the guy that owned the Explorer lived and had called to let him know we were coming.  We came up to a gas station and dad pulled in for me.  Out of the car again.  Walked inside and asked where the restroom was.  Guess what?!  It was OUT OF ORDER!  You have to be kidding me, right?  Nope, no joke.  Their toilet was broke.  Back to the "cute, little, sporting-looking car" that I now envisioned as a huge monster, trying eat my entire head!  By now, I'm thinking about this car, the entire trip, even the free lunch out, using nothing but some very vulgar words in my head.  Had I said them out loud, my parents would've been convinced that I had morphed into a sailor or trucker!

We get to the guy's house and dad goes in and talks to him.  Of course, nothing with my dad is ever quick.  I kept sitting there in horrible pain in my neck, back, arms, and right leg all while having to pee "like a racehorse" as the old saying goes.  The guy walks dad out and he's finally heading back to the car.  Dad goes "Oh, could my daughter use your bathroom?" the guy said sure.  I quickly hollered to my dad that it was ok, that I'd wait.  I don't know what my problem is, but all my life using a bathroom other then my own, or my parents, almost kills me.  I really, really have a thing against public bathrooms and there was no way in he!! that I was going to go into some strange guys house and use his toilet.  Dad got in and I told him that there was no way I would've ever done that and he should've known I wouldn't in the first place.  He said "well I have to go back to where the Explorere is to test drive it".  Really?! You have to be kidding me.  My parents picked me up at 11:50am and my dad had promised we wouldn't be gone any longer then 2.5 hours.  It was already going on 5pm because of the way my dad piddles around and talks non-stop to people.  I again reiterate that I really just need to get home because I really need to use the bathroom.  So he looked at me and said "There's a bar here in town.  Do you want me to stop there for you to use the bathroom?".  Oh my gosh.  I felt like throttling him!  "Well dad, you stop and buy me about a 5th of whiskey to take away my pain I'm in from this evil little monster of a car that you're so proud of, but no way in he!! that I'll use a bathroom in a bar. Come on, I'm 41 years old and an only child.  You HAVE to know me better then that".  His response?  "Well, yeah I know that a lot of people who could have std's or something use bar bathrooms, but if you have to go you have to go".  

Completely disgusted, I sat in silence on the ride back 10 minutes in the opposite direction of my house.  Dad drives the Explorer.  Tells us he's going to buy it so back to the owners house we had to go yet again.  By now, I'm thinking that this older guys toilet would be just perfect for me to use.  I really didn't care any more that it's a strangers bathroom.  We get there and I get out to go in with my dad while he pays, so that I can use the bathroom.  I'm standing there and dad's getting ready to tell the guy that I needed to use his toilet, when his wife started hollering from some far off place in the house.  "Oh! Oh! Oh!  Jim, help!".  Jim makes a quick turn and sprints away.  Come to find out, his wife had plugged up their toilet and it was over flowing everywhere.  I couldn't even believe it.  I had struggled to get out of that blessed car again, with a bladder that is about to explode, all for nothing yet again.  Un-freaking-real!  By this time, it was starting to get dark out thanks to the time change and dad and Jim had decided that dad would come pay him the balance in the morning because then a bank would be open to get the title notarized and all of that fun, legal stuff. 

As dad started the car, he kindly offered that he could pull off down a side country road, and I could go squat in the trees.  At that, I was so disgusted that I just started laughing.  Uncontrollable, made-me-sound-like-a-complete-mental-case-laughing.  He said "Well, where to next, Amy?".  Are you serious?!  Where to next?!  TO MY HOUSE!  PLEASE!".  I only lived about 13-15 minutes from the town Jim lived in.  Please, please, just get me home.  As I was scurrying to try to quickly get out of the car when we pulled up to my house, I told my parents "Well, I enjoyed the company.  I enjoyed the eating out.  I did NOT enjoy your car though, and I will never, EVER, EVER go anywhere with the both of you again if you take this damn car of yours!  If I can ride upfront with only one of you in the car, fine, but I don't have enough pain meds to get rid of the type of pain this has caused me today.  Never again".  For some reason, this amused the both of them.  As I was running towards my front door, mentally chiding myself for being so damn greedy for a free lunch out, that I'd go and put myself through torture like that.  

I learned a couple things though, greed is a terrible thing, ...and so is the back seat of a 2013 Veloster!! Neither one of them is worth a free lunch out. I promise you, every detail of this pathetic story is true. I couldn't even make this up lol.


  1. I am sorry to say this but that is just too darn funny. I had to read that whole story to my husband. I think that maybe I would have just sat in the backseat and peed my pants when I was laughing.

    I hope you are feeling better now.

  2. Tammy, looking back (or rather reading back)I can laugh now too and think it's funny. It sure wasn't funny the day it happened though. Heck, it wasn't even funny the day I wrote this blog post haha. I can, look back now though, and laugh.