Saturday, November 29, 2014

Put Me Out Of My Misery

OMGosh, felt it definitely is.  This morning it awoke me, feeling like a chain-saw was gouging into my leg.  The weight of the blanket touching it was excruciating.  My leg was so swollen, that blood under the surface of the skin, was ready to break through where the top of my sock was lying.  It's a dark crimson color.  As much as I like that color, it looks pretty ugly in a line on my leg. To lightly brush over it with my hand, felt like a million teeny tiny needles pricking me.  

My eyes feel like thousand pound sandbags are attached to them, trying to pull them closed.  I'm so stinking tired that I can't stand it.  I can't go to sleep though, because my 3yr old granddaughter came to stay with me Thursday evening, and she'll be here until Wednesday.  I thought about calling my son and telling him he has to come pick her up now, but I don't want to give in to Fibro.  My granddaughter is my everything and I haven't been able to see her for about a month.  She makes me happy and gives me a reason to go on.  I'm not letting physical illness steal this joy from me.  It takes everything else.  Besides, I don't want to live my life in bed.  That isn't a life.  It's just existing.

My doctor won't pin the CRPS label in my file.  She said it probably is, but all she knows for sure, is that when I had cellulitis about 1.5yrs ago, the infection caused permanent damage to the nerves and muscles in my leg.  It's the classic symptoms of CRPS, down to the pink, mottled, shiny skin.  Hair doesn't even grow in that area anymore ...not that I'm complaining about that though haha!  

The type of pain that awoke me today was a screaming, angry, more than demanding pain.  It's this type of pain, that allows my HOPE to slip.  This type of pain, makes me wobble on the line of depression.  It makes me think thoughts such as "at least when I die, I'll be out of this misery".  

Once my thought process goes down that line, I start to get angry.  Angry that with all of the advances in modern medicine, there isn't any more known about these types of conditions.  Angry that a medicine hasn't been developed that will treat fibromyalgia, CRPS, CFS/ME, Lupus, RA, and the list goes on and on.  Angry that there isn't a cure.  Angry that not only me, but so many others have to live exist like this for the rest of their long lives.

Every time this happens, it fuels my fire for education and advocacy.  I'm still of the firm belief that if the unaffected world is educated enough on what we go through, then the demand will be high enough for further research.  That private donations for research will come through.  Maybe I'm just living in denial, I don't know.  What I do know, is days like this is what will keep me advocating until the day I die.

On a positive note, I'll leave you with a photo of my 3yr old granddaughter sleeping peacefully the other night ....thank God NOT in pain.

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