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Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Just A Girl

 


You're scrolling your social media, and you run across this picture.  You glance at it. It's just a girl, in an outfit for a night on the town.  That's what it appears to be at first glance. But if you really know this girl, it's SO. MUCH.  MORE.

For those that don't know, the "girl" (yeah, I'm fluffing my own feathers because we all know that I'm actually a 50, yes FIFTY, year old woman. Ugh!) is ME!  Even those that knew the person in the photo was me, may not know what it took for me to put that outfit on and go out in public. Let alone happily pose for all of the photos I had taken last night.  This photo represents my own personal growth, and it's HUGE, folks.

I've been away from this blog for quite awhile now, and I'll get more into why, later in this post. Right now though, I want to talk about the emotional gains I've made over the past year and a half.  Emotionally, I'm a totally different person. Honestly, even I am shocked at myself.

There are posts on here, that let you all know that I had a full RNY Gastric Bypass September 25, 2018.  Wow! I truly can't believe that I'm coming up on my 3 year anniversary of the surgery.  I lost well over 100 pounds. At one point, I was at a 133 pound loss.  I've gained a little of that back, but I'm still over 100 pounds lost, and still wearing size small clothing. Some of which is too big on me lol. 

Most people who are obese think "if I could just lose weight, I'd be so happy"!  I was one of those people.  Guess what? I lost the weight, and I still wasn't happy. I mean, I was happy I lost the weight, but then other insecurities crept in.  I had (have) all of this lose skin. It just hangs. What shows to the world the most, is the lose skin on my upper arms. Those of us on bariatric weight loss boards, call them our "bat wings". Yuck, yuck, YUCK!!  

So I used to be ashamed of my fat rolls. Now, I'm embarrassed of my skin rolls lol. To the public, seeing the skin rolls under clothing, they look just like fat rolls. Plastic surgery would take care of all of this.  Unfortunately, I'm a 50 year old woman who's been single for just over 10 years now, so just have myself to rely on monetarily. Insurance will cover some things, but not all of it.  I've tried finding a plastic surgeon that would be willing to do the work I need done that insurance won't cover, pro-bono in exchange for me allowing them to film my surgeries and for me to list them as a sponsor in my seminars but haven't had any luck. So if anyone knows anyone that may be interested, PLEASE send them my way haha! When you have massive weight loss, you end up trading one insecurity for another. That is the thing no one ever really talks about publicly and for the life of me, I don't understand why not lol.  In my opinion, this is something that people should know ahead of time.

Awhile back, I was so blessed.  I was chosen to be on a television show that aired just over a year ago on TLC, called Dragnificent.  When I say I was blessed, I truly was. I could not have had better or more caring producers and camera men. The four Queens that starred on the show, are the BEST people I've ever known. Just the entire crew was phenomenal!

The head show runner, Mike Kelton from AlkemyX Productions, asked me if I'd mind if we tapped into the repercussions of massive weight loss a little bit.  I was scared to death, but I said yes. I agreed that this is something that isn't talked about enough, and that the public should know about. At the same time, the thought of talking about my insecurities for the entire world to know, intimidated me.  

Telling my story, of how I felt having all this lose, sagging skin hanging off of me, was really an emotional thing. We also talked about me having fibromyalgia and other chronic pain and fatigue conditions.  We talked about the verbal abuse I'd lived with throughout my marriage.  The week of filming was beyond a doubt, the most emotional week I've ever had in my entire life.  I came out of that week telling everyone I knew, that when my episode aired I just KNEW some shitty tabloid would end up running with a headline entitled "America's Biggest Cry Baby Bitch"!! Thank God, they had bigger and better people to contend with that week and my biggest fear did NOT come true LOL.

There came a time during taping, that Mike asked me if I would mind showing some of my extra skin on film.  I immediately welled up with tears, and said "how much of it do you want me to show?" He said "As much as you're comfortable with. You do NOT have to do this if you don't want to, Amy but I think it would really help a lot of people".  In true Tell-It-:Like-It-Is-I'm-Not-Your-Typical-Rah-Rah-Always-Positive-Let's-Share-The-Truth-With-Everyone fashion that I've always had on this blog site, I sucked in my breath and nodded my head yes to him, as tears ran over the brim of my eyes.  When I walked to the mirror for the part where the queens asked me about it, and I was to show the skin, I was choking back tears as hard as I could. I was literally shaking inside. My upper arms I showed first and I was crying.  I then quickly showed a little of my stomach apron. I did it all as quickly as I could, to try and get it over with and couldn't bring myself to really show it all and everywhere on my body.  

When choosing a dress for my Butterfly Party, -the party I was having to reveal the new, skinny me to friends and family that hadn't seen me since my weight loss, I made it clear to them that I wouldn't wear anything that didn't cover my arms.  I just didn't have it in me. Humiliation over my upper arms showing to the public, absolutely consumed me.  

Pounds of extra skin still covers my body.  I AM finally (man-oh-man do I have stories of why it's taken this long to get this surgery for you all but that's a whole 'nother blog post my friends lol) having surgery on my breasts, August 18th. OH-MY-GOSH!  That is only 4 weeks from  Wednesday!  That time is going to fly by lol.  I'm blessed that my insurance is covering a reduction and a lift for me and that I was able to get the money to cover the axillary liposuction on the sides, to tie it all together. I can't tell you how much this surgery means to me. It isn't all for superficial reasons, either.  Red, deep grooves plague my shoulders every night when I take my bra off.  It hurts. My upper back, kills me all of the time from the weight of these hanging, sagging, monsters.  The pulling and tugging on my back, has caused a spot of neuropathy.  Just to the left of my spine will either have a super deep itch that literally drives me MAD, or else the spot will tingle for hours on end. Yep, permanent nerve damage. My GP is convinced that my upper back pain is caused from my breasts, then fibro exacerbates the pain and symptoms.

My insurance will cover to have my stomach apron removed, but will not cover the tummy tuck portion of the surgery. I absolutely cannot cover it myself, so although I'd absolutely DIE to have the whole she-bang done, I'll only be having the apron removed. My plastic surgeon told me that I could have my stomach done, roughly 3 months after my breast surgery.  Insurance may then cover to have the extra skin removed from my inner thighs.  I'm praying that they cover it because I cannot do it myself.  Now, we have the upper arms.  The bat wings.  Chances of insurance covering that, is slim to none.  So I've had to wrap my head around that fact.  I've really been working on myself mentally, that the bat wings are probably just going to be a part of the new me, for the rest of my entire life.  

Coming to terms that I'm going to have bat wings for life, was a super hard thing for me to do.  I decided though, that I couldn't go the rest of my life, not showing my upper arms.  Is never again wearing anything that doesn't cover and hide my upper arms feasible?  Yes, it is. But did I really WANT to go the rest of my life never wearing anything that didn't cover and hide my upper arms, was the question. And the answer to that question, was no. Therefore, I had to get over the idea that my arms were ugly. That they made ME ugly.  That people would laugh at me, and make fun of me, if they saw them. Every time I would even think about the idea that someone may see them, I would automatically burst into tears.  I had to get over that for sure.  Guess what, people?!  I got over it!!  


I'll be totally honest, before I started filming my television episode I didn't have any clue in the world, who the four queens were that were the stars of the show and that I'd be working with.  I didn't have a clue what Ru Paul's Drag Race was.  I didn't know how extremely famous and well-known these girls were.  One day when we broke for lunch, I rode with the finance guy.  -I doubt that's his actual title, but it's what I called him. He kept tabs on the budget as we went along lol.  As we were sitting there eating our Chipotle, he was telling me about a time that Times Square in NYC had been roped off for these girls to make an appearance, and that people were trying to bust through the barriers and police, to get to them screaming and shouting their undying love for them. -Well, I can totally see why everyone would love them, after being with them lol ...but anyway .....THAT is when it hit me.  Talking with them, I saw that they too had insecurities about themselves at some point in their lives.  One of the girls, Alexis Michelle to be exact, teared up during one of my stories that once again I was half blubbering while telling the story, about 2 construction guys cracking fat jokes at my expense while I was in a national chain hardware store.  When I finished my story, she told me while she was crying, that she could relate to every word I had said, and that she herself had experienced stuff like that throughout her life as well.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe it.  This beautiful woman, that was SO FAMOUS struggled with the SAME. EXACT. self esteem issues that little ole me had faced.  If she could feel like I do, and still push forward to be as beautiful and famous as she is, than I could do the exact same thing!!  

I'd never watched the show Keeping Up With The Kardashian's. I never used to watch hardly any TV at all.  I started watching tv in the past year, and recently found the show.  I binged all 20 seasons, people lol.  Just like I was mind blown that Alexis Michelle had insecurities, it again blew my mind to see that Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian both had insecurities about their bodies too.  Two more extremely beautiful and famous women that had to deal with the same thoughts and fears that little ole me faces.  I used to hide. Not any more. I've been shown that I don't have to hide. I can still reach for my dreams, imperfection's and all. People like Alexis Michelle, and the Kardashian girls, really help and touch more people than they even realize, by opening up for the world to see. That is why I have always been truthful on this site. Most of the other chronic pain sites were always all "Oh we'll be fine. We're warriors" and stuff like that. I'd read that shit, and it would make me feel like I was a weak biotch that just needed to suck it up. No. Living with neuro-immune and auto-immune, chronic pain and fatigue illnesses is HARD, people. Let's be realistic. Like I've always said, if people doesn't realize what our TRUE daily life is like, they aren't going to understand the desperate need to find cures, therefore won't be as inclined to donate to, or advocate for, more research. So that's why I started TFF. For those of us that want to encourage each other, to get the REAL word out about what living like this is like, and to let others know that it's OKAY to be pissed off or have a day that you feel discouraged about your illness. I can tell you first hand now, how much MORE I believe this is necessary. Because it's recently been proven in my own life, by Alexis Michelle, the Kardashian's, and others being real about their own struggles. It gave me the push I needed, to become the woman that I am today. I only hope and pray that my blog has, and in the future will again, give someone the inner push they need to help them overcome a feeling in their life, like has been done for me.

I can't tell you why that motivated me, but it sure did. It made me start working harder on myself. It helped me to keep my head up, face forward, and push ahead. It made me realize that everyone has their own insecurities. No matter how big or how little. No matter how rich, or how poor.  No matter how famous. Every single person out there has insecurities about themselves. I never danced. I absolutely cannot dance and never could. Even the thought of dancing, made my body stiffen up and embarrassed me. The thought of people watching me or seeing me.  Bebe Zahara Benet and Thorgy Thor forced me to overcome THAT fear.  They told me they were putting me in drag (yes, females can dress in drag as females too.  We are called AFAB's ...or the term I prefer for myself, is a Diva Queen) and throwing me on stage to do a drag show in front of a live audience.  People, I have to hand it to my youngest daughter Courtney's boyfriend, Damien,  He's the one who picked me up from filming that night, and I literally sobbed and rambled the entire way home!  The poor guy looked like a deer caught in headlights but that guy did his best to calm me down and soothe me haha.  To say I was petrified, is an understatement.  Bebe taught me a little shimmy, and had me put it to the words "shaky shaky paw paw paw", and Thorgy taught me how when I'm in drag I can let all of my inhibitions go and just have fun!  I still was so scared the night of filming the live performance though, that I WAS still really stiff and have found some nasty comments online making fun of how stiff I looked.  -But that's ok.  At least a tabloid didn't run with the headline of "America's Biggest Cry Baby Bitch" like I thought they might haha!!  My sassy, sexy, sweet Jujubee took this lady that couldn't even put on eyeliner, and taught me how to transform my face!  She taught me that I CAN put on makeup.  That I CAN do anything I want to do.  


This my friends, is the smile (a TRUE, HAPPY smile) of a woman that went out on the town for the night, in a new (sleeveless) outfit, proudly showing off her batwings!!  So the very first photo in the blog post. The one that might show up on your social media somewhere that you may glance at and think "it's just a girl", is NOT just a girl, in an outfit for a night out on the town.  This is a girl, who has worked really hard on her inner confidence and is finally happy enough with herself, that she CAN be in that outfit for a night on the town.  This is a girl that with the love and support of many people in her life, has overcome the demons in her head, that used to make her cry her eyes out or at the very least blink back the tears that stung her eyes, at the very thought of anyone seeing her bare, naked, upper arms.  

Do I still have insecurities and do I still want things fixed and changed on my body? I sure the hell do. I'm human. But I'm no longer allowing those insecurities to control my life, what I wear, and my overall happiness.  I really wish I was more tech-savvy because at the end of the night, I was out on that  dance floor dancing with my bebe Colin David (Colin Brandeberry) and I was NOT a stiff robot at all.  My friend Rhonda taped it as an IG live on my account, and I would save that video to my computer to upload here for you all to see.  Yep, I would willingly share a video of myself dancing, for anyone in the world to see. -And I would HOPE that those mean girls that made fun of me saying in public comments that I was as stiff as a robot would see it, and see how far I've come and then eat their own damn words! lol  

I'd just leave the link to it here, but IG notified me they blocked the video because of the music playing in the background.  They still allow ME to watch it, I just don't know how to get it saved to my computer. I tried playing around but can't figure out how or if it's even possible. If it IS possible and anyone knows how to do it, please leave me a comment and I'll edit this post, adding the video! :)

I dressed as Miss Peggy LasFrites last night. Miss Peggy LasFrites is the stage name the Queens gave me, for my drag show performance. On the occasions I've been asked to make an appearance or be in a show, I've always stuck to that. Miss Peggy LasFrites will ALWAYS be my stage name forever now lol. Miss Peggy has way less cares than Amy does ....but Amy and Miss Peggy are almost one these days! :)

Stay tuned for more posts on The Fibro Frog. I had just lost my creative zest for blogging.  I had been getting some hate mail.  I had a creep try to lure me to FL to do a seminar. After googling him, he definitely was trying to lure me there with bad intentions,  He had a really scary wrap sheet involving kidnapping, rape, and torture. -I'm afraid I would have been in a real life Criminal Minds show had I not dove deep into this guy before running to FL lol.  I had some crazy lady messaging me over and over calling me by some name that wasn't mine, saying she knew I was really this other person, hiding behind the name Amy ....just super bizarre stuff.  It all just piled on until I just absolutely couldn't bring myself to sit down and create new content.  I'm back though, and I hope all of you are back with me!  There are still over 17,000 froggies over on The Fibro Frog's fb page, so if you're new to TFF and stumbled upon this post, please feel free to join us over there too!  -And if you haven't seen my episode yet, it's S:01 E:03 of Dragnificent, on TLC. The episode is title "Fly, Butterfly, Fly". You really should watch EVERY episode of it, but make sure you have a box or two of Kleenex near by, because every single episode will touch your heart!

#massiveweightloss #bariatricsurgery #excessiveskin #skinremoval #plasticsurgery #MikeKelton #AlkemyX #TLC #Dragnificent #AlexisMichelle #Jujubee #ThorgyThor #BebeZaharaBenet #KimKardashian #KhloeKardashian #KeepingUpWithTheKardashians #chronicpain #selfesteem #selflove #selfcare #skinapron #batwings #PeggyLasFrites #bodylift "mommymakeover




Monday, September 30, 2013

My Weight Loss Journey


I can do that with my pants now, but too bad my body doesn't look like the one in the picture!  *sigh* It will come, in time, I guess.  It's been slow-going, but that's ok ...because it is going.  I continually keep reminding myself that I didn't put all that weight on over night.  Or in a month.  Or even in a year.  Therefore, I can't expect it to just be gone in a month or two.

Losing weight for me, has been different for me then it is for a lot of people.  Therefore I'm not sure if anything I say will help anyone else.  The journey hasn't been one of a lot of exercise.  Nor has it been one of a strict diet.  No pills or magic juices.  No herbs or "hunger-controlling" shakes.  Just some simple changes in my life.

Even as a small kid, I couldn't stand to eat breakfast.  I don't think there's ever been a day in my life where I'd wake up hungry.  Quite the contrary, when I'd first get up in the morning, the thought of food would literally make my stomach convulse.  It made me nauseous.  

In all honesty, I don't think I really get hungery in the sense most people would think about it, at all.  Nothing about my body is ever simple.  The way I would feel hunger, is that all of a sudden I'd get really sick to my stomach, and I'd feel like I was going to pass out.  I'd immediately think "Oh my gosh!  I need to eat something, I'm getting SICK!".  I'd look at the clock and  then think to myself "jeez, it's 4pm and I haven't eaten anything yet today.  No wonder I'm getting sick!  -Or it may be 2pm, or 5pm, or even 7pm.  

When my kids were little it wouldn't be a problem, because although I'd still personally skip breakfast, I'd eat lunch and supper with them when I made it for them.  I would always remember to feed my kids, I just have some sort of problem remembering to feed myself! lol  Once the kids hit school age, I stopped eating lunch too, because I wasn't making a lunch for myself.  My youngest child just turned 18, and for the past few years she was so busy with afer-school activities that I didn't really have a set time for our supper. 

The weight just started slowly creeping up on me from my poor eating habits.  My body was in starvation mode, so when I would eat something, my body would hoard it not knowing when it was going to get food the next time.  Bad, bad, bad eating (or more like non-eating) habit!

Meds have attributed to some of the weight gain too.  The weight gain I had on Amitriptyline is just ridiculous.  The med didn't even help my symptoms.  At all.  I felt like all I was doing was taking my fat pill.  Regardless, I stayed on it forever because my rheumatologist at The Cleveland Clinic swore by it and it's pretty much the only med that they prescribe there for Fibromyalgia patients.  -At least at the time I was going there, anyway.  I finally said the heck with it and stopped taking it.  I seriously didn't feel one ounce different taking it, than I did not taking it.  Stopping the Amitriptyline has definitely helped me with my weight loss.

In April of this year, I'd finally just decided that I'd had enough.  I'm sick of being lonely, and knew that my chances of ever having a guy be interested in my again were slim to none with the way I looked.  I was up to 271 pounds.  Besides wanting to find my soul mate, I just detested the way I looked.  I wouldn't take pictures with my kids or my grandkids, because I was too ashamed of how I looked.  I was embarrassed when I'd go to the store or anywhere in public.  

My best friends mom had been on an extended vacation to her home state, helping to take care of her elderly mother with dementia.  She'd been there a few months, and was nearing the time she was going to come back home.  This lady has been kind of like a 2nd mom to me.  I'd known her for 20 years.  My dad knew their family before I was even born!  She called me and wanted me to fly to MD and stay with her for 10 days, then ride home with her.  I'd never flown before in my life and I've had an ungodly fear of heights my since I was little.  I agred anyway though, thinking it would be good for me to get away for a bit.  Imagine my embarrassment and horror when I went to fasten my seatbelt on the plane, and it wouldn't even come close.  I was so embarrassed when the flight attendent handed me a belt extender.  Just humiliated.

This would be a good time to say that I had zero self-esteem, from all of the nasty, vile comments my ex-husband would make before he left me.  -He left me 2 months after my diagnosis was confirmed at The Cleveland Clinic, siting my health issues as being "too stressful" for him.  There's a whole blog post on here from last year about chronic illness ending in divorce for me.  The airplane seatbelt ordeal?  Yeah, it tanked me to about -100 on the self-esteem scale.  

After I'd been at the house for about a day, Sara said to me "Amy, we're going on a diet.  I have a lot of weight to lose, and so do you.  I'm worried about you being so heavy with the health conditions you already have.  I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because I love you."  I knew she was right.  I didn't want to be fat anymore.  Well, she was pretty strict on the diet thing.  Now don't get me wrong, I was stuffed.  I never ever went hungry.  But she forced me to eat.  She'd allow me 30-45 minutes to get woke up, then no matter how much I protested, she forced me to eat breakfast.  She hates carbs, and was a strict carb natzy, but I had all of the protein, veggies, and fruits that I could ever want.  

Sara started me off on this weight loss adventure.  She was so afraid that I'd go back to my old habits once I returned home.  I didn't though.  I admit that I'm not nearly as strict on carbs as she was, but I do eat a higher protein - lower carb diet.  I do (most days anyway) eat at least 3 meals a day and try to eat a snack or two.  I've been really bad the past few days though, and haven't been eating enough.  I haven't been eating breakfast.  I'm so incrediably proud though, of every pound that I've lost, that I will start forcing enough food (including breakfast) down my throat.  The weight loss kicked off with Sara on April 25th of this year.  I've noticed that every so often I start to fall back into the non-eating trap, but once I realize it I pull myself back up and start making sure I eat again.

I didn't exercise at all before.  I still don't exercise very much, because between my low lung function with the COPD, the pain my arthritis causes me, and the every day pain and fatigue of fibro, I just can't do much.  I do, do some now though.  I can only make it on my exercise bike for 2-3 minutes at a time.  If I possibly can that day, I ride it though.  On a really good day, I'll do it twice a day.  Some days instead of riding the bike, I walk around the block.  Again, on a good day, I'll do it twice a day.  Just recently, I started doing Zumba.  I do it here at home, using YouTube. I searched "beginning Zumba routines" and I have a few saved to a favorites list.  Right now, I can only make it through 2 songs in a row.  It's just a little over 7 minutes to complete them.  If I can, I do it twice a day.  Some days, I can't do it at all.  I figure that when you're as obese as I was (and still am), that any movement or exercise is better than no movement or exercise.  I'm not going to let it discourage me, because soon those 7 minutes will turn into 10 minutes.  Then 15 minutes. Then 30 minutes.  Then before I know it, I'll be able to do the whole 60 minute work out.  

I researched a lot about this food thing, since it's my biggest problem.  I learned that I don't have to gag down a big breakfast.  As long as I eat something as soon as I physically can after getting up, that it's ok.  The dietician I went to, told me even if it's a handful of dry cereal that's still enough to start my metabolism for the day.  I've also learned about all of the anti-oxidents in strawberries and blueberries.  After my breakfast, whatever it may be that day, I try within an hour or two, to go make a big huge glass of homemade fruit smoothie.  I use a handful of whatever frozen fruit I have on hand.  I make sure that I use either strawberries or blueberries in it, mixed with at least one other type of frozen fruit that I've picked up.  I add about 1/2 cup of plain yogurt to it, along with some honey to sweeten it, and either some juice or skim milk.  I pour it into a quart sized glass and I sip on it for a few hours.  -I've never been able to drink things very fast.  Within an hour or two after making the smoothie (usually I still have some left in my glass) I try to eat something for lunch.  Sometimes a low-fat turkey or ham sandwich, sometimes a salad, sometimes a couple eggs scrambled with a sprinkle of shredded cheddar cheese and some red & green bell peppers added in.  I keep my smoothie sitting there and usually "snack" on it between lunch & supper until it's gone.  

I don't add sugar to anything anymore except for one cup of coffee in the mornings.  I have to have it sweetened, and I refuse to use any type of artificial sweetner.  My rheumatologist at The Cleveland Clinic told me that artifical sweetner had been proven to cause more pain in fibro patients so to avoid it at all costs.  After that cup of coffee in the mornings, all I drink the rest of the day and night is ice water.  I've found in my research that the ice in the water helps you to burn more calories.  They say that your body uses more calories because it has to heat the water back up to normal body temperature, so the colder the better.  I've also learned that fresh lemon juice also helps to burn fat, as does cayenne pepper.  So, I try to always have fresh lemons in the refridgerator, and I cut & squeeze a couple of wedges into every glass of water.  I try to add cayenne pepper sauce to a lot of my food.  

Really, this is about all I've done to lose my weight.  I don't count carbs ...I just try to be conscience and not eat a lot of them.  I don't weight or measure my food.  When I found out that a lot of my weight problem was because I don't eat enough food, I was kind of mind-blown.  I'll be honest, I still don't usually eat as much in a day as I truly should.  I tried keeping track of everything I ate in a day for a couple weeks, and it was pure torture to try and hit the numbers that I was supposed to hit for a day.  -The calories, the protein, the carbs, the sodium, etc.  I kept track of all of it.  I was so full and it was honestly tiring trying to take in as much as I was truly supposed to.  It's just mind-blowing!

So, I've lost 39 pounds now since April 25th.  It's slow going, but it's going.  Every pound shed gives me back just a tiny bit of self-esteem.  Every pound shows me that I'm in control of this thing. Not the other way around.  Every pound, makes me a little more proud of myself.  I ran across a few photos of me earlier this month, that had been taken in January of this year.  I truly didn't realize what 30-some pounds lost looked like until I saw myself in January.  I seriously almost bawled at what I had looked like.  I made a college to show myself then, and show myself now.  That's the picture that's below.  I'm sure when I lose another 30-some pounds and college that pic with my current pic, I'll be just as blown away.  I will not ever give up.  One day, maybe a year or so from now even, I'll be back down to a healthy weight.  I'm not in a rush, I look at every single pound as a victory!  Thanks for getting me started on this Sara.  I'll always be grateful, and I'll always love you!





Friday, June 7, 2013

Calories & Portion Sizes

With trying to lose weight, then with the new diagnosis of Diabetes, portion sizes, calories, carb servings, etc. have become a new learning experience for me.  This slide show can help show you a bit!   CLICK HERE

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Looking For Ways To Eat Healthier & To Lose Weight



I'm a Bzz Agent, and I had the opportunity to get in on a campaign for MorningStar Farms veggie burgers.  I'll admit, I was slow to actually follow through with trying these, because the idea of eating a veggie burger just wasn't very appealing to me.  Due to all of my health problems though, I really have been trying to eat a little healthier.  I've gained over 30 pounds in the last 4 months or so, due to my fibro meds.  Gabapentin just seems to be packing the pounds on me!

My daughter, Courtney was really excited to try these though, as she doesn't like very many kinds of meat.  Usually, she skips whatever meat dish I make for dinner, and just eats the sides and the vegetables.  I sucked it up and made them one night for supper, along with a tossed salad.  I fried them, like I would a regular hamburger.  I seasoned them with a little bit of Season All, some pepper, and a little bit of Worcestershire sauce.

They smelled great while cooking, which led me to get a bit more excited about taking that first bite of the burger.  I have to admit, the taste wasn't too bad at all, although I found the texture a bit different!  Courtney, on the other hand, loved everything about them so I'll keep buying them.  The next time, I'm going to look up some recipes off of the MorningStar Farms website.  They have some recipes over there that sound really, really yummy!  Take a look at some of the recipes, and give one a try yourself.  You might just be surprised with how good a veggie burger can taste!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

"Don't Let Your Illness Define You" ...Really?


This is a picture of my grand daughter Leah when she was 9 months old.  Why am I placing a photo of her on a post about illness defining someone?  Because it's a picture of her crying, and that's what I feel like doing every time someone tells me "Don't let your illness define you.  You have fibromyalgia-arthritis-lupus-RA-CFS-COPD-Fill in the blank with "whatever" you may have, but it doesn't define who you are.

Now, that sounds good, doesn't it?  To think of ourselves and others cheering us on.  Like the old half-time pep talk in the locker room when the football team is down by 20 on their home turf.  Cheering ourselves on.  I can hear the cheer of the crowd, as the theme song to Rocky starts blaring in my ear every time someone says this to me.

I used to be afraid to even think that I might be "allowing" my illnesses to define who I am.  I thought it would show weakness on my part. Well, as good as that phrase sounds, and as well-meaning as everyone is who says this to me and people like me, it's a bunch of hog wash.  I'm sorry, but it really is.  Stop and think about it for a minute.  Seriously.  How can an illness (or illnesses) that wrack every single part of our lives, not define us?  

I'm not even the same person mentally that I was before my illnesses.  In high school I had the nickname of "Little Miss Sunshine" by the "mean" girls, because I always walked around with a smile on my face and I tried to be nice to everyone.  I was a cheerleader.  Have you watched The Secret Life Of An American Teenager?  Remember back in the very first season how Grace was?  Take away the talking about religion all over the high school campus and leave the rest of her the way she was.  Always bouncy, happy, smiling, cheerful, trying to be nice to everyone, naive ...you get the idea.  That was me.  Now?  Not so much.  I sit around sad and depressed.  I feel worthless.  I hardly ever laugh or smile.  It's really hard to smile when you're in constant pain every day of your life.

Exercise.  I never really loved exercise, but I still did it.  I've even had a membership to a couple of gyms over the years.  The one thing I always prided myself on, was my legs.  I had so much strength in my upper legs.  They were always well toned without an ounce of "cottage cheese" on them.  They were my one asset that I was always proud of.  I was never stick-skinny, but I wasn't overweight either.  I've always been curvy.  Now?  I'd love to be able to exercise.  The medicine packs the pounds on me.  Not only do I have cottage cheese on my legs, but I'm obese.  I avoid having my picture taken like the plague.  I'm embarrassed at how I look, and to be completely honest (which I always am on this blog) I'm ashamed to be seen in public.  The fibromyalgia and arthritis keeps me from exercise.  When I can't stand up without audibly saying "Ow!" from the pain in my knees ...and I kind of waddle for the first few steps ...and walk hunched over a little bit due to the stiff back that sitting has caused (Oh yeah, that's one of the reasons social security just denied me, btw.  They said I could sit without it causing me any problems LOL. I wish!) how in the world am I going to exercise?  Besides the fibro and arthritis, when my heart rate rises or I do pretty much any kind of physical exertion, I get short of breath and can't breath. Heck, I woke in so much pain today (well, considering it's 3:12am I guess yesterday) that I couldn't get out of bed until my daughter came in and put BioFreeze on my lower back, mid-back, neck, and shoulders.  I was so stiff and hurt so bad.

Even up in my early to mid 30's I was told how much fun I was to hang out with.  I had friends.  Lot's of them.  -And not just internet friends like I have now, but real friends that would stop over unannounced.  Friends that would call me up and say "hey, let's go do something".  Friends that I listened to loud music with and danced with.  Friends that would exercise with me and then we'd end up doing more laughing and making fun of each other then we would exercising.  Friends that would spend hours on the phone with me.  Now?  I don't have IRL (in real life) friends.  I have one.  She's 56 years old, but young at heart.  Instead of enjoying going out, I'm always too tired or in too much pain.  Or else I'll know how going out of my house will make me hurt 100X worse for the next few days to a week.  When I do go out to the grocery store or someplace, I've had people look at me like I'm a lazy piece of trash for being fat.  I've heard people whisper about me.  I've had little kids come up to me and ask why I'm fat, until their mother looks mortified and quickly rushes them away while they're still turning their head to look at me.  Starting Sunday 10/14/2012, I'm going to start forcing myself to eat breakfast.  I'm going to start forcing myself to eat lunch.  -I usually never eat until supper because I'm just not hungry until then.  My problem with my weight isn't that I eat too much.  I eat way too little.  Therefore my body hoards any food I put into it, thinking that I'm starving to death.  That, combined with the meds, and with the fact that I don't exercise due to my pain is what my weight problem is from.  I found several yoga for beginners full workouts on YouTube so starting Sunday I'm going to try to do that at least three days a week too.  I don't know how much of it I'll be able to do, but anything I do accomplish is certainly better then nothing.  


This is me.  I have fibromyalgia.  I have arthritis.  I have COPD.  If I don't "let my illnesses define" me, then I'm denying a huge part of my existence.  I'm denying a huge part of who I am.  So after carefully thinking about this for quite awhile now, I'm going to say that my illnesses do define me ...and I'm not ashamed to admit that anymore.  People will still always say "Don't let your illness define who you are" ...I know that a lot of my fellow fibromites even say this.  That's fine too.  For me though, it just doesn't make sense to say that I won't let my illness "define" me.  It's a huge part of my life and has made me who I am today.