I Have To Keep On, Keeping On

I think the last blog post I've done, was the one telling you all that my husband has left me and want's a divorce.  Well, it seems that when it rains, it pours.  I can't begin to tell you how badly it hurts to completely love someone with every piece of your being, and have to hear them say "I don't love you.  At all. I haven't for a really long time now, and I just can't keep pretending that I DO love you.".  To hear the person you love tell you "Go find someone else to fall in love with.  It doesn't bother me in the least to think of you with another man.".  My heart just wasn't broken, but it's shattered.  Completely shattered, to where I think there's too many tiny, broken pieces to ever be put back together again.

My husband left me on Easter Sunday.  On that following Thursday, my son came home from school and parked the car.  About 15 or 20 minutes later he went out to start it, to run uptown real quick.  It wouldn't start.  Come to find out, the oil pump had gone out of it on his way home from school, so it hadn't been pumping oil through the motor that whole time.  The engine was seized up.  I waited until the following Monday (this past Monday) evening and then took pictures of it.  I listed it on craigslist telling exactly what had happened and that the motor was seized.  I asked $600 OBO figuring no one would even call on it.  I had checked the junk yard though, and knew I was only going to get around $312 for it if I took it there.  Around 10pm that night, an older gentleman called me on it.  He lived in the next town over and asked if he could come look at it the next morning at 9am.  He came, looked it all over (it was a great car until this happened to the motor.  The exterior and interior of the car was all in GREAT shape.).  He talked to me for about 45 minutes then told me he was going to take it off my hands.  He said he had another motor for it he was going to put into it, then he hoped to get $2000 out of it reselling it.  To my shock, he counted out (6) $100 bills.  I got the whole $600 for it.

The next day, Wednesday of last week, I found out that my son's fiance was pregnant.  She already has a 9 month old little girl, and her and my son was planning on getting married this June.  They are young.  My husband and I had tried to talk them into waiting a couple years before they got married, but they wouldn't hear of it.  She will be 19 next month, and my son will be 19 September 1st of this year.  Now, they're going to be 19 and have 2 children, under the age of 2.  It's going to be hard.  In light of the circumstances, plus the fact they were already planning to marry in a couple months anyway, they went to the court house this past Friday and got married.  My heart is heavy for them, but I'll stand by them and do everything I can to try and help and guide them through marriage and pregnancy.  Them, plus my step-granddaughter live with me.  My new grandbaby is due December 26th.  Besides the rush of a wedding Friday morning, I woke up to find that my soon-to-be ex had pulled almost all of his paycheck out of the bank, not honoring our notorized agreement of what he was to pay me each week, so that I could make the bills.  I needed to pay my electric bill Friday, and was left without enough to do so, let alone to grocery shop.  I called to see "why" he did this, for him to scream at me that he never wanted to see me or talk to me again, and that beyond a doubt our marriage was completely over.  Our gas bill has always been in my name, but our electric and cable/telephone/internet has always been in his name.  I was told to get those utilities out of his name by this coming Friday.  Well, that takes money for security deposits.  Money that he took instead of giving to me per our agreement.  So, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to get them into my name by this Friday.  I'll have to call tomorrow and see if there's anything they can do for me.  I can't describe the hurt that him taking that money, and the words he said to me, did to me.

I've really been slammed the past few weeks.  I've had days where all I want to do is lay in my bed and cry all day/night long.  I've had a few nights where I did cry myself to sleep.  All of the stress has triggered a pain flare, and I've been in some horrible pain.  -Like tonight for example.  Unless I just want to lay down and give up, I just have to keep on, keeping on though.  I'm too stubborn and strong willed to just give up.  What I do have to do though, is to find a way to bring in an income.  My pain levels and depression are too bad for me to find a traditional job right now though.  I honestly have felt for a few months now, that my calling is public speaking.  I've felt that public speaking for advocacy and awareness is why I got sick in the first place.  If anyone reading this could talk to their church, college, or any group or organization they belong to, about bringing me in as a speaker of chronic pain/invisible illness I'd greatly appreciate it.  I'm praying that someone out there will give me a break, and take a chance on me.  I'm confident that I can provide a great seminar with a lot of resources and handouts. 





 I'm going to leave you all with some pictures of my son's wedding, and the new family.


Waiting on the judge to come in.  My DIL was excited but my poor son looked as if he may get sick LOL.