Trying To Pick Up The Pieces

I jinxed myself last week or something, by writing the blog post on divorce statistics for those with a chronic illness.  Last Thursday when my husband came home from work, he told me that he had been having chest and shoulder pain due to stress.  He said we needed to find a way to get his stress level down.  I asked him what he was so stressed about and he said "I'm stressed out about your sickness, and I'm stressed out about bills".  I felt horrible, because even him being stressed about bills I feel like falls back on my health, since I can't work due to my health. If I could work too, then he wouldn't be so stressed about the bills.  I told him that I would look for a job, to help with the bills.  He said "No, you can't.  You can't even wash supper dishes without taking 3-4 breaks while doing them.  You can't work.".  I said "Well, why don't you take a day like every other weekend to just go off by yourself and do stuff you like to do.  Just take a day to get away from everything".  He said "Fine.  Since I don't have to work tomorrow for Good Friday, do you care if I go scout for turkey?".  He's been really excited about wild turkey season starting the end of this month.  He wanted to go to a state park that's about 45 minutes away from us.  He said he'd leave around 8am and be home by 1pm at the latest.  He said when he got home, we'd go do our Easter shopping.

1pm came and went, with no sign of him.  I tried to call his cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail.  Repeat that same scenario for the rest of the day and night.  All day Saturday.  By Saturday evening I was worried sick about him.  Where he'd been having chest pain on Thursday, all I could think about was that he'd had a heart attack walking through the woods and was laying out there dead.  Around 11pm Saturday I left a voice mail saying I didn't know what was going on and I was worried sick about him.  Sunday morning, he finally sent a text to our 16yr old daughter saying that he was ok and that he'd be home that night.  She asked him if he was "leaving us" or something.  He texted back saying "I'm leaving her but not you".  Nice.  So he told our 16yr old daughter through a text message that he was leaving me, on Easter Sunday, after not coming home to even take me shopping to have the stuff to make an Easter dinner or to make an Easter basket for our daughter or anything.  See, he had our car along with the keys to his truck.  He also had my debit card.  I also thought he had our check book because I couldn't find it.  It turns out though, that it was here the entire time in an inside pocket of his work coat.  There wasn't any way for me to go shopping without him. 

He finally showed up here around 10pm or so last night.  I was scared to death and a nervous wreck, waiting on him to get here.  Especially from the way he did things...staying gone Friday, Saturday and Sunday without any reasoning....telling our daughter through text that he was leaving me....not providing an Easter celebration for his family.....etc.  That was all SO wrong of him.  I figured he'd be a total jerk to me when he saw me because of those actions.  He really wasn't though.  He told me that he loves me from being with me for 19.5 years, and being the mother of his two children, but that he wasn't "in love" with me.  He said that he'll always care about me though, and that he'll always be my "friend".  He said that he'll still pay all the bills, make sure I get to my doctor appointments, and have my medicine.  He said that he just hasn't been happy for a really long time, and that he's getting older and just can't "pretend" anymore. He packed his truck full of his stuff, and left.  He's moving in with his mom.  -He says that's how he'll be able to afford to still pay all of the bills.  He told me I can have the house so that I make sure I always have a place to live.  -We'd bought our house at sheriff auction due to back taxes, therefore it was dirt cheap and we paid for it in cash.

Being sick has shown me that the cliche "Life's too short" really is the truth.  I love him so much, that I want him to be happy.  So if he isn't happy with me, then I have to let him go and not beg him to stay.  Since getting up Friday, I've only been able to force down a couple bites of food.  I've barely slept.  I burst out crying uncontrollably.  Everything in my body hurts.  Every muscle.  Every joint.  My head.  Most of all, my heart.  I'm worrying about the fact that I can't work.  Sure, he says he'll still pay everything.  He's even signing a notarized letter today when he gets off work saying that he'll pay me child support/alimony/maintenance every week that's enough to cover my bills, for a period of 10 years.  But what happens if he doesn't?  What happens  if he just stops?  What am I supposed to do?  Believe me, I wish I could work.  I'd love to get out of the house.  To be around people and meet new people.  To feel the pride of bringing in a pay check.  The sad reality is though, I just can't.  I don't have a degree in anything, only a high school diploma.  That means that any job I could possibly get would be work in a factory, in a fast food place, or in a store.  All of that is hard work being on your feet and lifting things.  When I stand long enough to fry an egg, I'm literally in tears before it's done, from the back pain.  How am I supposed to do this?  What am I supposed to do?  Even though I know this divorce is the best thing for all of us, I'm so scared.  I feel so alone.  I have a ton of questions in my mind such as "What's so horrible about me that he can't be "in love" with me?  Why do I have to have such $hitty health?" etc.  Somehow though, I must pick up the pieces and move on.  I'm just not sure how to do that when you've loved someone unconditionally and with your every being, for 19.5 years.