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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sometimes


I try to stay upbeat & positive.  I try to always have hope.  Sometimes though, I just can't.  Sometimes, I think why bother?  Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed and like everything is just too much.  I feel that I don't have any quality to my life any more.  If I can't work.... if I can't go out and do things, and have friends to do them with.... if I have to struggle week to week....if I have to live every day so tired and exhausted that I sit & cry.... if I have to live every single day in pain.... then what's the point of life become?  I'm in too much pain to even keep my house as clean as I'd like it to be, so how could I work?  Without working, I'm poor and can't afford to go out and do things I enjoy.  Being in pain and being poor has isolated me into my house most of the time, so I don't really have many friends left.  

I sit at home alone.  I have conversations with myself, inside my head, because there isn't any one else to talk to.  I try to maintain the facebook page for this blog, but I'm not really sure how many people even read it (or the blog for that matter).  Of the ones who do, how many really give a care what I have to say?  I try to remain hopeful, that by writing this blog and having the facebook page, that I may reach people and help to educate on this illness.  I try to remain hopeful that someday soon there may be a research breakthrough and my miracle cure will be right around the corner.  Is that really hope, or is it living in a fantasy world?

As a younger adult, I've worked 3 part-time jobs while carrying 18 credit hours in college.  All while raising four kids at the same time.  Part of it as a single mom.  I went out and did things with my kids, and with my friends. I always had the money to go do things.  I've never liked being alone.  I don't know if that stems from being an only child or what, but I've always loved to be in the middle of large crowds of people.  I've always been of the mind-set "the more the merrier".  Now, I'm alone.

I did a sink of dishes earlier, and I made supper.  Nothing fancy.  Just a quick, simple, supper.  That was a couple hours ago.  Now, I'm still sitting here in such pain that it takes my breath when a spasm hits.  Hurts constantly, but the spasms are the worst.  Sometimes, I'm not brave enough to keep up the fake smile and the fake "It'll all end up ok" bs.  Because sometimes, I really just need to cry and try to figure out what the point of my life is, when I have to live it within the constraints of pain and poverty caused by pain.  Sometimes, I really just have to wonder what the point of my life really is.  All the time?  I wonder why this illness even exists.

8 comments:

  1. I can really relate to not liking being alone, I think that's been the hardest thing for me to get used to since getting sick. Oh, and I really like your blog, you're always so honest and I love that.

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  2. I could have very easily wrote this and signed my name to it...you described my life exactly...I have always been very active, outgoing, LOVE people, laughing, lots of friends, bubbly and love working with people...I am now on disability and although Im very thankful for it, it keeps my monthly house payment but thats it. Im telling you this because I am just ONE of thousands of us that live this life! You are NOT alone...you are not alone in your suffering...you are not alone in your loneliness and you are definitely not alone in your poverty. I was the same..I would sit and cry because of the pain...I would sit and cry because of the life that has been taken from me...I would sit and cry because of all of the things ppl would say.."she looks fine... why is she so sorry to be on disability, she could work if she got off her lazy bum..." etc...you know the routine...no ONE understand this pain unless they are going thru it themselves and they prob never will!But I CHOOSE to be a half full kinda gal...I choose to make the best of this situation by not letting depression and pain run my life...Sure I have my moments when I just want to throw the towel in...sure i still cry every once in awhile and believe me every morning it is a miracle that i can get out of bed! I praise God that I am vertical one more day!God really does have a purpose for us chosen ones...I use some of this as a testimony of faith, courage and choosing to be happy even when life hands me dried up lemons. I use this dreaded disease (all of them) to testify to the fact that even in my valleys God is with me and I believe in HIS promises. Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 4:13 are just a few of the rocks I stand on...I find strength and much HOPE in those words. There are so many hurting ppl out there that aren't sick but don't have what I have. They are so lost and so confused...they feel hopeless and useless and unloved. I figured God wanted me to try and reach these ppl for His glory...if nothing else to put a smile on someones face and let them know someone cares...I CARE! I pray for you often and all of the ppl in the world like us...I trust it won't be long before my God says to His right hand..."Go get them" and what a glorious day that will be. But until then...Life IS worth living...you never know whom God shall put in your path tomorrow who will NEED you more than you need. Find something you can do for someone else...It really does help when you reach out to someone in need. You have done a wonderful job with the Fibro Frog and yes ppl do read your blogs! You help me to feel less lonely cause I know someone else is going thru the exact same thing...however I wish no one were but life is what it is...and I choose to love it no matter how I feel...cause it is a gift and I hope you will see yours as one as well! Love you to pieces! your friend,Frawg

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  3. Your blog and my kids are sometimes the only reason I keep my sanity... I am sitting here in bed today knowing my husband is totally frustrated that I did nothing yesterday, and doesn't understand why I spent the day laying down but reading on the computer. Because that was ALL I could do!!! I also have increased stress right now because my dad just died and my father-in-law is dying... and we all know what happens when the stress level goes up. Today my goal is two loads of laundry...we'll see. Some days it's just getting up.
    I totally relate to the sitting and crying. Just remember that tomorrow is another day..and you do make a difference.

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  4. Wow, that is exactly how I was feeling last night and this morning. A good cry with my sister who has dealt with her own chronic pain and illness for over 40 years helped. Your blog makes me feel connected to something, someone. I am newly diagnosed and feel quite overwhelmed. I feel like I can't do everything that I used to be able to do and have started cutting activities and volunteer stuff and work. I am still working but am limiting as much as possible. I telecommute a lot so I can work a little, lie down, work, I'ce, . etc. Friends were cut a long time ago. I spend time on Pinterest. I love inspirational quotes. I have collected over 3600 of them and read when I can. And thank God for the fibro pages and blogs. I read all your stuff and even went back to read the older things you posted before I started following you. Thank you got your honest and brave sharing. <3 and gentle hugs

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  5. Hello Amy,

    I’m writing to you today about offering your readership an opportunity to pick up a free copy of the Kindle eBook “Your Fibromyalgia Diet: Eating Your Way to Better Health.”

    My name is Cindy Stewart and I too suffer from fibromyalgia.

    I’ve recently begun sharing my insights and experience about how I have been able to better manage my fibromyalgia.

    Coming from a health care background in nursing and massage therapy I have always tried to find natural ways to deal with my fibro flare-ups, fatigue and irritable bowels.

    This prompted me to write a book about how to eat healthier, so as to minimize the frequency and severity of some of the more common fibro symptoms.

    I would like to offer your readership an opportunity to pick up my latest ebook for free on Wednesday, October 9 for a limited time before it goes on sale.

    You can check out my blog post about the free offer at: http://treating-fibromyalgia.com/?p=1470

    If you feel that this guide could be a resource of value to you and your readership then please consider mentioning it to them so that they can download a free copy for their personal use.

    I look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Cindy Stewart
    cindy@treating-fibromyalgia.com

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  6. This blog is new to me...just stumbled upon it today. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 4 months ago after a long ordeal with various doctors. After 18 years of working full time, I am not taking a year off work. So, I understand your concern about lack of income. My friends have dropped off the face of the earth, for the most part. However, I read your blog and felt CONNECTED to someone that UNDERSTANDS. For that, I thank you.

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  7. Correction: meant to say I AM taking a year off work.

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  8. thank you for this blog I was diagnosed a couple of years ago and I also have cervical spondylosis in my neck along with the main artery pressing on my vertebrae the fatigue and fibro fog can be horrendous I forget names, sentences etc. I was on ESA until June of this year because your only allowed to have it for one year and then your put on the shelf, I worked from the age of 16 now 49 and up until last year I was working full time as and administrator but the pains got really bad that sitting for any length of time was impossible the company were really good and tried everything they could to help me back to work but it was impossible so now I am unemployed and feeling very isolated and like you no money! I am lucky that I have an amazing partner who loves and looks after me and completely understands when I am really bad, my family and friends are also amazing because they have taken the time to look into this chronic illness and learned all they could about it and its affects it can have on me. Please do not feel that your alone, because you are not you are strong and brave and full of life although you probably don't feel like it. Just take baby steps live each day as it comes. I am currently learning meditation on my own and I think it will help I do take medications and antidepressants I have moderate to severe depression which is not easy in this situation. But I know and have been told by specialists that my illnesses are not going to get better only worse and that all they can offer me is pain management which is what I am currently looking at please, please keep this blog going it is refreshing to hear and honest outlook on this illness :)

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