My tests and appointments I was supposed to have last month, was rescheduled to this coming Thursday, the 14th. Last month when we got there and found that the entire building had been shut down due to no electric and no water, I cried on the way home. I cried, because for one: I just wanted the tests over with to maybe get further diagnosis and treatment so I'd start feeling better. The second reason I cried, was because I so badly need my meds changed. I need some relief. I deserve some relief.
I'm praying so hard, that I can get a med change that will make my life easier to live each day. I want, more then anything, to find a medicine or combination of medicines, that will allow me live life as normally as possible. Those of you who live with chronic pain will understand what I mean, but for those of you that doesn't live with a chronic pain condition, I'm not sure that I can fully make you understand. I wish there was some way to adequately describe the type of pain, and the intensity of the pain, that I experience daily.
Fibromyalgia, as well as many other chronic pain conditions, causes depression. It's embarrassing to admit that I struggle with depression, because just like fibro, people who doesn't suffer, can't understand. Every time someone tells me "Well just cheer up and be happy....just look at all the positive things in your life", it cuts me a little deeper. I DO try to cheer up. I DO see the positive things in my life. I DO try to force a (fake) smile on my face. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy. Unfortunately, there isn't much to do about it though, depression is listed as a symptom of fibromyalgia. It's just a fact.
Another factor of fibromyalgia, is that stress intensifies all of your symptoms. It creates flares. Flares in pain. Flares in insomnia. Flares in depression. Since my husband walked out and told me he wants a divorce, April 8, 2012, I've had one flare after another. I may not like the fact he wants a divorce, but I loved him enough that I could deal with it. I could deal with it because if he truly wasn't in love with me anymore, then I wanted him to be happy. I loved him that much. What I can't deal with though, is the fact that he hasn't spoke to me in over a month now. He hasn't spoke to our daughter in over a month now. She's left message after message for her father, telling him she loves him and misses him, and practically begging him to call her or text her. He just ignores it. I also can't deal with the fact that he not only walked away from me, and walked away from his kids, but he's now also walked away from his job. We've heard he quit his job and moved about 3hrs or so away.
Now, I have the stress of knowing I'm not going to get any child support at all, because he's thrown his (good) job away. We won't have insurance anymore, and that's very stressful to me. Especially where I depend on medicine to try and help me get through my days. I have the stress of not knowing how I'm going to pay my bills and keep the household running, where I'm sick.
Yesterday, I went with my daughter to her boyfriends house. His mom is a friend of mine, and had been asking me to come over. They recently bought a new house that has an inground swimming pool. The plan was that we would swim with the kids. When I got there, she wanted me to go to the store with her. I was excited to be out of the house, and eagerly agreed. She ended up stopping at three stores. By the time we came out of the last store, I was fighting back tears from pain. She was sitting in the Blazer looking at me, as I stood there with the door open. When I looked at her and saw her looking at me like I was dumb for still standing there in the hot heat, I started laughing. I told her "I honestly don't know if I can get in or not. My back and legs are hurting so bad, I'm not sure if I can raise my leg enough to get in or not.". She too is a chronic pain sufferer, so she could relate and started laughing too.
Besides the pain that outing caused, I was completely exhausted. I even was tripping over my own feet trying to walk once we got back to her house. All I could think about was, "If I'm in this bad of shape from just being on an hour and a half outing, how in the world would I ever make it through ONE single shift at a job?". How in the world will it be possible for me to support myself and my daughter? Of course, thoughts like these have led to me feeling sad and depressed again.
Everyone keeps telling me "Go apply for food stamps and medicaid. Apply for disability.". I don't want to be a "welfare case" the rest of my life. More then anything I don't want that. It's embarrassing and humiliating. Everyone looks down on you. It makes me feel like a total piece of crap, and it steals your dignity and self-esteem. I want to earn my money. I want to be able to walk into a store holding my head high, and buy the food and items we need (and want), feeling the pride and self-satisfaction that I earned this money. I don't want to have to look over my shoulder to make sure no one I know is around to see me using a food stamp card. I don't want to live off the system. I want the right to earn my place in society. Contributing and making things better, not sucking the system dry and "taking" from the people in my county. My state. My nation. It makes me feel so bad and low, that even typing this out is causing me to fight back tears.
Disability? It's just another program. One that from horror stories I've been told and read, causes you to basically beg and gravel and plead, to get a few hundred dollars a month. A program that you have to fight for, that sometimes takes a year or two, to get approved. Do these people honestly think that I truly want to be told that I'm "disabled"? No, I don't. It makes me mad. I wish every worker for that program, had to live at least one week in my life. See how bad it feels. Deal with the pain and the insomnia. Deal with the depression. Deal with emotions I have, about having every shred of self-respect and dignity stripped from them, like I feel.
I believe in God. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that it's all part of God's plan, and eventually things will work out the way that HE wants them to. I've been told so many times that everything happens on HIS time table, not mine. For the life of me though, I can't understand way God would want me to feel this way another day longer. -Another minute longer, for that matter. There has to be a way for me to be able to make a living to support my daughter and myself. There just has to be. I thought that public speaking, seminars for advocacy work, is what God wanted me to do and why I got sick and my husband left. It doesn't appear that's the answer though. At least not right now, or doors would be opening for me in that regard.
No matter how bad each day seems to be, no matter how much worse I feel my situation gets each day, I will always keep the hope, faith, and love, and I'll continue to believe that a solution to my problems will be laid out infront of me. I'm praying for a couple of miracles. I'm praying that Thursday my doctor will make a medication change for me, that will give me enough relief that I can work. I'm also praying that a job to support us with, will be delivered to me. I've tried to brainstorm, and keep the wheels turning each and every day, to come up with a job that I can do in my present condition. A job that will provide what we need. This syndrome has even stripped me of the pride to continue to think of myself as a good mother. Afterall, a good mother would work to support her children, wouldn't she? I'm also praying for a miracle of a cure to be found. One that will completely heal my poor, broken body, mind, and spirit, and allow me to feel like a good citizen again.
As I continue to pray for these miracles, I ask you to join me and pray for them too. If God shows YOU a job I could do in my present state, please let me know. Help me to support myself and my daughter. Help to make me feel human again, and like I'm a positive contributor to society. Believe me, I'm open to any and all suggestions that any of you may have.