Key Chain Fundraising Event

Hi everyone!  I've designed a key chain using my own photo and words, to use as a fundraiser.  The key chain will have the above photo on it.  I'm trying to raise the money needed for me to present and advertise my living with chronic pain seminar.  I'm extremely grateful for each and every order, and would really appreciate it if you all would also share this event through your social media sites to help me spread the word!  I have a great group of supporters here on The Fibro Frog, and I appreciate each of you!  Thanks for your help with this event!  You will find the event by clicking: HERE.  Thanks again!  =)

The Common Cold

The phrase "The common cold" actually makes me chuckle right now.  Common?  Not with me.  I never have anything common wrong with me.  Even something as simple as a "common cold" is not so simple.  My daughter had a cold and yeah, she complained a little about her nose being stuffy/runny and a sore throat, but that was it.  She had it a couple days, it ran it's course, and now she's all better.  I, on the other hand, am now sick.  Not just stuffy or runny.  Down right time-to-consider-going-to-the-ER-to-get-a-breathing-treatment-sick.  My nose IS stuffy and runny, my head hurts, but the most frustrating is the constant 100% of the time wheezing.  Then the coughing that the wheezing causes.  Then the dizziness that coughing brings on.  Then, I start back at the beginning to make the circle again.  On a positive note though, I do not have a sore throat like my daughter did. Lucky me!  =)

Just about every day I feel like I have the flu on some level.  The muscle aches, the fatigue, the joint pain.  Tonight, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I have the flu.  My front thigh muscles are absolutely pulsing and screaming in pain.  My arms feel like they're both weighted down. I've had the flu shot though, and I don't think I'm running a fever.  I just seem to get everything 100 times worse then everyone else I know.  If someone gets a cold, I get bronchitis.  If someone gets bronchitis, I get pneumonia.  

I feel like all I do any more is complain and whine.  That makes me feel bad.  I know that I have to be incredibly annoying to those around me and to my friends online.  This isn't who or what I want to be.  I want to be happy, and laughing, and having fun.  Sometimes I don't think that I even remember what fun was for me.  Then, the memories come back, and I remember having fun.  I remember laughing and being with my friends.  I remember dancing, and doing silly things all in the name of fun.  I feel like I'm this fun-loving person, stuck inside the body of an old person.  I know that I'm not a "spring chicken".  -Oh how I'd love to go back to my 20's and relive my life.  There's so many things I'd do differently.  I'm also not a "old person" yet either though.  I'll be 42 next month.  There should be plenty of time left in my life for me to have fun.  To hang out with friends.  To fall in love and be loved by someone.  None of that will happen though, when I'm always in pain and complaining.   

Have you ever been in such constant annoying pain that you could seriously just scream at the top of your lungs?  Not from the pain being so sharp ...or not so horrible like labor pains, ..but pain so constant that after a week of it you're ready to just scream and lose your mind?  This is where I'm at tonight.  I can always handle pain like this for about a week straight, then I start losing it.  That's when the depression kicks in and I start questioning "why" I'm even still here on earth, if I'm going to have to live every day (or most days) in this kind of pain, and feeling alone, desperate, and isolated. If you "know" me at all through this blog, you know that I don't sugar coat anything.  The reason I don't sugar coat anything, is because I feel it's important for others reading this to know exactly and honestly, how I feel.  It's important to me, so that when someone else is feeling this way, they don't feel alone.  I know what kind of stigma depression carries in the communities.  I know that people who do suffer depression, sometimes feel embarrassed because of it.  If you are reading this and know what I mean, please don't ever feel like that again.  Your feelings are real, and they're valid.  You're not alone.  If people who "look down" upon those with depression had to live a day in our lives, they'd think much differently.  

As most of you know, I'm trying to break out into the public speaking and advocacy world.  Because of this, I've had some people tell me that maybe I shouldn't be so honest, ...that it may hurt me in my new career.  I still stand by what I've said to those people.  What I've said is this; those who read about me, or those who may come to a public speaking engagement that I may have, deserve no less then the truth.  Maybe I "am" going to be looked at in a different light because of my education and advocacy efforts, but if I can't be the real me, then I don't want to be anything at all.  The people who are going to listen to me speak, or read what I write, deserve no less then the truth.  If by being honest I help even one person to not feel alone, or I help one person who isn't sick realize what it's like to be trapped inside a sick body, then my being honest is worth it no matter what some others may think or say about me.

I don't have much to offer anyone, but what I do have plenty of is compassion, empathy, caring, concern, and a willingness to do anything I can, to help whoever I can.  This illness may have stolen my fun and my laughter, but it will never steal my heart.  

Bad Day

Do you ever have one of those days? You know, one of those days that seem bad from the moment you crack your eyes open? Well, that's been me today. I finally fell asleep last night this morning around 5am or so. I heard the kids come home around noon and cracked my eyes open not wanting to move. From there, it just seems as if it's gone downhill.

I haven't been able to stop yawning all day long. As for waking up as tired as when I went to bed? I've been more tired then when I went to bed. My head has killed me all day. I've felt as if someone yanked the plug out of the electrical socket on me. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for more then about 5 minutes at a time, and doing anything has caused extreme pain in my back. My knees? Yeah, I feel and sound like an 80 or 90 year old woman every time I go from a sitting to a standing position. I have to use the arms on the chair to help pry myself up, moaning outloud in pain as I do so. Pain or not, I was bound and determined to make supper tonight. My daughter loves my homemade broccoli, rice and cheese casserole and had asked me to make it for her. Once I had it ready to baked, and shoved it into the oven, I came back in here as quickly as I could with walking hunched over and collapsed into my computer chair. I was gasping from the pain in my back and was near tears. After resting for about 30 minutes I got up and went in to bread and fry the meat. Again, at about 1/2 through, I was in so much pain I couldn't hardly stand it. Trying to hurry, I ended up trying to fry my little finger along with the meat! Yep, while dropping a piece of meat into the boiling, bubbling grease, I stuck my little finger right down into it!! I'm not gonna lie, that made me gasp and say a few curse words under my breath as I was flipping on the cold water in which to drown my finger in. This meat,...this dang breaded and fried in HOT oil meat, was a new recipe. Guess what? It. Was. Disgusting. So, I didn't even burn my finger over something that was good. It wasn't even worth it in the slightest LOL. I took one bite and threw mine away. Yuck! So, I'd been weighing the cost of whether I should print out one copy of all of my seminar handouts then take them to Staples to have all the copies printed or if I should just print them all from home. Since the dead beat....or I mean, the man, that I'm still legally married to hasn't paid me one single penny of child support or alimony since May money has been super tight to say the least. Somehow, he had the money to take himself and his girlfriend to Cedar Point last Saturday, but miraculously he doesn't know "when" he can send my daughter and I any support according to the text her sent her. So, I decided that it may take longer, but would be more cost effective for me in my situation to just print them here at home. A new black printer cartridge is only $11.99 for me, because I buy refurbished. That sounded a ton better to me then paying out $50-$75 for copies at the store. With the day I had been having I should have known better. It printed a few copies, then it said that something was wrong with the ink cartridge. We took it out a couple times and reseeded it, to no avail. I turned it off then back on. Nope, nothing. Still that damn flashing yellow light. We unplugged it and let it sit for awhile. Still nothing. I removed the cartridge once again and used a damp coffee filter with bottled water and wiped the contacts down on the cartridge and inside the printer. Finally! It worked again! The catch? I'd set it for 40 copies and 1 would come out. Yep, one. Do you have any idea how easy hard it is to keep track of how many copies you've printed when you're sitting there clicking the print button ...waiting on the page to print ...dropping it into a pile ...then doing it all again? With a horrible headache? Being in pain and yawning all the while??! I still tolerated it and kept trying to plug along. Next thing I know, it's printing the page as if it's printed over it a hundred couple of times. What was wrong with it this time?? I don't have a clue. I gave up. I threw in the towel on it for now. Maybe I'll try again in a bit. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll find the money to go have the copies made rather then doing them themselves. I don't know. I don't know anything today/tonight! The only thing I do know tonight is that it's been a bad day and I'm sick of it! I'm ready for tomorrow to get here, as it'll have to be a better day, wouldn't it? I opened a new tab, played this song, and wrote this whining, complaining blog post! This song always helps me to feel better when I listen to it and sing along! Oh yeah, be sad I mean happy that this isn't a video post because I guarantee you that I'd never make it as a singer LOL. I do much better at sitting here complaining then I do singing. Alas, it's a feel good song that I love. Well, back to attempt the printing process yet again. I'm quickly running out of time. The seminar is Saturday. Two measly days away. I need to get crackin'!

Seminar Excitement!

Things are moving right along for my first chronic pain seminar.  A caring friend made this flyer for me last night.  I love it!  What do you all think of it?  The pastor of the church I'm going to hold it at, is emailing the flyer throughout all of the other churches in that denomination, and an elder is taking flyers to the hospital that she's a nursing supervisor at.  My daughter, Courtney, also posted the flyers in some online garage sale sites that are local to us.  Sunday, I'll be having all of the material for the seminar, including the flyers, printed up at Staples and will begin to start putting the packets together that I'll be giving out at the seminar.  

This has been a dream of mine, since I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  Although fibromyalgia is what I was diagnosed with, this seminar will help anyone who suffers from any type of chronic pain condition and/or invisible illness.  To see my dream finally coming true, is surreal to me.  Now, as long as I have people show up, I'll be feeling pretty happy!  Having people show up is probably the biggest hurdle I'm up against lol.  I'd love to be able to advertise in the newspapers around here too, but I just don't have the money for that.  My husband still is acting like he doesn't have a family.  Since he moved 3 hours away to live with some woman he met on the internet he hasn't spoke to us nor gave us any money for child support or alimony.  My hearing to get child support started isn't until the end of August.  

To know that I'm working to make my dreams come true, and actually accomplishing those dreams, fills me with a great deal of pride and personal satisfaction.  I may be sick, but I can still fight and have a voice that's heard.  I'll never give up trying to advocate for those of us with conditions such as I have.  This will be a life-long journey for me.

If everyone could leave me a comment, telling me what you would like to see discussed at a seminar such as I'll be putting on, it would mean a great deal to me.  I know what I have planned to cover, but maybe I've missed something that would be beneficial to my audience.  I'd be humbled for you all to work with me, so that I can present the best possible seminar that I can!

Patience Is A Virtue

Ever since I was a little kid, I never had any patience.  I remember my mom telling me that when I grew up, I'd become more patient.  I honestly don't think that ever happened for me though  lol.  We've all always heard that "patience is a virtue" and I'm sure we've all heard the saying "good things come to those who wait".  While both of those sayings may be true, I really believe that "the best things come to those who do".  I think a person needs to combine a little patience, with a little proactiveness to achieve what they're trying to do. 

Since February, I've wanted to break into public speaking.  I've wanted to present a seminar on living with chronic pain, from a patient's point of view.  I knew that making this a new career would take a little time, so I needed to be patient while waiting on that first big break.  I also knew, that I had to keep trying to get that first big break myself, or it'd never come. 

Avenues of social media is my new best friend.  I've blogged about wanting to present seminars, and I've tweeted about it.  I even have a face bookpage for the blog that I've shared my desires on, as well as my own personal facebook page.  If I didn't get the message out there that I wanted to educate and advocate for those living with a chronic pain and/or invisible illness, then no one would know that's what I want to do.  I wasn't going to get an email out of the blue, dropping a gig straight into my lap. 

I vowed not only to myself, but to all of you as well, that I'd never give up on trying to educate and advocate for all of us.  My hope is to bring understanding about our conditions to others, so that more people stand up and advocate for more research.  I also want to reach out to those of us, that are living with an illness, so that no one feels alone.  I want to bring real statistics into play.  I want to give those of us that need them, resources to help us cope with both the physical and mental problems we face on a day to day basis.

I've remained persistant, and plowed forward with determination.  Do you know what?  It's paid off!  I finally have my first big break.  I have a large church that approved allowing me to use their sanctuary to hold a chronic pain seminar.  After I have one or two under my belt, it'll make it so much easier for me to get other gigs.  Advertising for the seminar is my next obstacle, but I'll figure it out.  The old saying "it takes money to make money" is unfortunately very true, but then again so is the saying "where there's a will, there's a way". 

There are ways to advertise rather inexpensively, and I'll be exploring those options over the next few days.  Whatever it is that you do, whether it be pray, send good thoughts, send positive vibes, please do.  I'm praying to find several cheap ways to really get the advertisement out there for the seminar, and I'm praying that I have a good turn out for it.  I more then welcome your good thoughts and/or prayers for the same thing!  I've felt all along that I became sick for a reason, and that reason is to advocate.  My persistance, determination, and tenacity is finally going to be rewarded.  I vowed I'd never stop trying, and I'm proud to say that even though it's been a long time coming, the time is finally here!  Persistance and patience finally has paid off!

Do You Just Grin and Bear It?

Today, someone left a comment on my facebook fan page for this blog.  They pretty much said that a lot of the time, they just grin and bear it so not to make others in their family feel bad for the pain they're feeling.  She asked if any one else does this too.  My response to her, was that I think everyone that lives with a chronic pain condition does that sometimes.  

Are you guilty of doing that?  I know that I am.  I know that complaining isn't going to make my pain go away, and I hate to burden those around me by making them feel bad for me or to worry about me.  No matter how much I may want to smile though, some days I just can't.  The pain, the fatigue, the depression just becomes too much to hide.  That's okay too.  

Like the saying above, some days I do feel like I'm an actress.  I get dressed for the day, brush my hair, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself "Today I won't be weak.  I'm going to be strong, and I'm going to smile.  The pain will not win today.".  I plaster a smile on my face, even if inside I'm literally crying.  I pretend that "normal" is my life, when in reality my life is as far from "normal" as it can get.  It isn't normal to take almost an hour to unload and reload a dish washer.  It isn't normal to not be able to fall asleep sometimes for 48 hours at a time.  It isn't normal, to live in constant physical pain every day of your life.  It isn't normal to have to fight off depression each and every day.  It isn't normal to wake up feeling as tired and unrefreshed as when you fell asleep.  It isn't normal to have pain on a daily basis so bad, that you sometimes cry.  It isn't normal to have your joints and muscles stiff and achy every morning when you wake up.  I could keep going with the "it isn't normal" stuff, but you know what?  For me, and for other people who suffer from a chronic pain condition, it is our normal.  We've had to learn to accept all of this.  We've had to change our perspective of what "normal" means to us.

Sometimes, I feel like I really am just going through the motions of life.  It's just what people with a chronic pain condition have to do.  We have to adapt to what normal means to us.  If more research were to be done on chronic pain conditions, then maybe a concrete treatment plan would be found.  One that would allow chronic pain sufferers to change their perspective of normal, but to what society accepts as normal.  This will never ever happen, unless there's more funding for research.  There will never be more funding for research, unless there's a demand for that funding to be made available.  There will never be a demand for funding, if people can't understand.  People will never understand, if no one ever stands up and speaks out.  I'm willing to do that.  I want to do that.  I want to educate the world on what it's like to live a life of constant, chronic pain and fatigue.  Please consider donating to my "Go Fund Me" account, so I can start educating.  So I can start demanding, that progress in research be made for people like us.  We deserve to be able to smile on the outside, without silently crying on the inside.  We deserve to be able to go on family outings with our family, instead of staying home alone because the pain is too bad.  We deserve to be able to clean our homes, and make a meal for our family, without it bringing us to tears.  We deserve a normal life.

Keeping My Chin Up

My appointment with my rheumatologist was this past Thursday.  I also had to have a consult with gyn while I was there, and I had some tests ordered to do that day as well.  I knew it was going to be a long day, and it really was.  I left my house around 6:30am and I didn't get home until going on 9pm.  I was completely exhausted.

Due to some of the symptoms I've been having, and the results of one of my tests, I have to go back and have an endometrial biopsy done.  I've been told that the experience isn't pleasant, at it's best.  The doctor even warned me to take pain meds about an hour before the procedure.  I'm not looking forward to it, what-so-ever.  If it needs to be though, then it needs to be done.

My appointment with rheumatology went ok.  She marked down that my condition is "deteriorating".  My pain and insomnia flares kind of told me that though.  I didn't get my huge "miracle pill" that I was hoping for. I didn't get a med change at all, except to double my dose of amitriptyline and she added a very low dose of prozac for me to take in the mornings.  She started me at 10mg, but said if I tolerate it then in 2-4 weeks to go to 20mg each morning.  She said she didn't want my body to have to adjust to too many things at once, where she'd doubled the amitriptyline.

Besides marking on a form that my health status is deteriorating, she also wrote on the form "Fibromyalgia - widespread pain, fatigue, depression, pain all over, inability to concentrate, difficulty with memory" then "depression, anxiety, a lot of stress".  Even though I knew all of this before walking into that appointment, even that my health status was worse, it still felt kind of bad to see it in writing.  I want a job so bad; I need a job so bad, and this just reinforced to me that I'm not going to be able to ever hold a regular job.  

Right before I left, Dr. Gota told me that she's helping out with a research study and asked me if I was willing to participate.  The study is being privately funded, and it's looking for a certain protein that can be found in the white blood cells of patients with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.  The study may provide important information on opportunities for the development of therapeutic strategies against this disease.  They'll be looking at approx. 20 patients to take place in the study.  All I needed to do was allow them to take one tube of blood from me.  Of course, I happily signed the consent form and had the blood drawn.  I told them anything I could possibly do that might help aid in either a cure or a concrete treatment plan, I was willing to do.  I constantly preach on here about advocacy and more research needing to be done.  What kind of hypocrite would I have been to say no to them? LOL  I'll admit, it excited me and gave me a ray of hope, knowing that a new study is being conducted!  We need MORE studies and clinical trials in this field.

I'm sad knowing that my health is deteriorating.  I'm discouraged about money and how to pay my bills.  I'm worried about the endometrial biopsy and what it might show.  Through all of this, I've decided to keep my chin up and do my best to have a positive attitude.  IF my biopsy comes back bad, at least they'll have caught it.  The Cleveland Clinic is also the number 1 rated place for cancer treatment in Ohio.  Those are both positives.  I may be short around $160 (more if I have to buy any more groceries between not & then) for next months bills, but at least I have enough money to cover THIS month's bills and the hope of making enough money to cover July's bills too.  -I have my older camera, a Canon EOS Digital Rebel 300D for sale on craigslist right now.  My body may not allow me to get a "traditional" job, but I can keep the faith about getting a seminar on chronic pain and/or invisible illness going.  I may have a break, a church may donate space to me for me to hold a seminar there.  I'll find out in a week or two for sure.  Then, I'll just have to come up with a cheap way to advertise the seminar.  My health sucks, to just put it out there, but no matter how bad my health is, someone else out there has it worse.  

Education, advocacy, and awareness.  I'll never stop preaching about those three words.  Those three little words are not only my ticket to a career, but also to finding a cure for this nasty illness.  The ticket to developing a concrete treatment plan that will work.  Then, none of us will have to feel this way anymore.  A positive attitude may be the difference between succeeding or failing.  I choose to succeed.  If you know of a company, business, or organization that may be interested in helping me to succeed then please pass along this blog or the link to my "Go Fund Me" page.  If I could raise enough donations to rent space and to advertise, for 2-3 seminars, then I think I'd be set.  I'm keeping my chin up.  When the time is right in God's plan, this will all come together for me.  Of that, I'm confidant. 

Praying For A Miracle Or Two

My tests and appointments I was supposed to have last month, was rescheduled to this coming Thursday, the 14th.  Last month when we got there and found that the entire building had been shut down due to no electric and no water, I cried on the way home.  I cried, because for one: I just wanted the tests over with to maybe get further diagnosis and treatment so I'd start feeling better.  The second reason I cried, was because I so badly need my meds changed.  I need some relief.  I deserve some relief. 

I'm praying so hard, that I can get a med change that will make my life easier to live each day.  I want, more then anything, to find a medicine or combination of medicines, that will allow me live life as normally as possible.  Those of you who live with chronic pain will understand what I mean, but for those of you that doesn't live with a chronic pain condition, I'm not sure that I can fully make you understand.  I wish there was some way to adequately describe the type of pain, and the intensity of the pain, that I experience daily. 

Fibromyalgia, as well as many other chronic pain conditions, causes depression.  It's embarrassing to admit that I struggle with depression, because just like fibro, people who doesn't suffer, can't understand.  Every time someone tells me "Well just cheer up and be happy....just look at all the positive things in your life", it cuts me a little deeper.  I DO try to cheer up.  I DO see the positive things in my life.  I DO try to force a (fake) smile on my face.  I don't want to feel this way.  I want to be happy.  Unfortunately, there isn't much to do about it though, depression is listed as a symptom of fibromyalgia.  It's just a fact.

Another factor of fibromyalgia, is that stress intensifies all of your symptoms.  It creates flares.  Flares in pain.  Flares in insomnia.  Flares in depression.  Since my husband walked out and told me he wants a divorce, April 8, 2012, I've had one flare after another.  I may not like the fact he wants a divorce, but I loved him enough that I could deal with it.  I could deal with it because if he truly wasn't in love with me anymore, then I wanted him to be happy.  I loved him that much.  What I can't deal with though, is the fact that he hasn't spoke to me in over a month now.  He hasn't spoke to our daughter in over a month now.  She's left message after message for her father, telling him she loves him and misses him, and practically begging him to call her or text her.  He just ignores it.  I also can't deal with the fact that he not only walked away from me, and walked away from his kids, but he's now also walked away from his job.  We've heard he quit his job and moved about 3hrs or so away. 

Now, I have the stress of knowing I'm not going to get any child support at all, because he's thrown his (good) job away.  We won't have insurance anymore, and that's very stressful to me.  Especially where I depend on medicine to try and help me get through my days.  I have the stress of not knowing how I'm going to pay my bills and keep the household running, where I'm sick.

Yesterday, I went with my daughter to her boyfriends house.  His mom is a friend of mine, and had been asking me to come over.  They recently bought a new house that has an inground swimming pool.  The plan was that we would swim with the kids.  When I got there, she wanted me to go to the store with her.  I was excited to be out of the house, and eagerly agreed.  She ended up stopping at three stores.  By the time we came out of the last store, I was fighting back tears from pain.  She was sitting in the Blazer looking at me, as I stood there with the door open.  When I looked at her and saw her looking at me like I was dumb for still standing there in the hot heat, I started laughing.  I told her "I honestly don't know if I can get in or not.  My back and legs are hurting so bad, I'm not sure if I can raise my leg enough to get in or not.".  She too is a chronic pain sufferer, so she could relate and started laughing too.

Besides the pain that outing caused, I was completely exhausted.  I even was tripping over my own feet trying to walk once we got back to her house.  All I could think about was, "If I'm in this bad of shape from just being on an hour and a half outing, how in the world would I ever make it through ONE single shift at a job?".  How in the world will it be possible for me to support myself and my daughter?  Of course, thoughts like these have led to me feeling sad and depressed again. 

Everyone keeps telling me "Go apply for food stamps and medicaid.  Apply for disability.".  I don't want to be a "welfare case" the rest of my life.  More then anything I don't want that.  It's embarrassing and humiliating.  Everyone looks down on you.  It makes me feel like a total piece of crap, and it steals your dignity and self-esteem.  I want to earn my money.  I want to be able to walk into a store holding my head high, and buy the food and items we need (and want), feeling the pride and self-satisfaction that I earned this money.  I don't want to have to look over my shoulder to make sure no one I know is around to see me using a food stamp card.  I don't want to live off the system.  I want the right to earn my place in society.  Contributing and making things better, not sucking the system dry and "taking" from the people in my county.  My state.  My nation.  It makes me feel so bad and low, that even typing this out is causing me to fight back tears.

Disability?  It's just another program.  One that from horror stories I've been told and read, causes you to basically beg and gravel and plead, to get a few hundred dollars a month.  A program that you have to fight for, that sometimes takes a year or two, to get approved.  Do these people honestly think that I truly want to be told that I'm "disabled"?  No, I don't.  It makes me mad.  I wish every worker for that program, had to live at least one week in my life.  See how bad it feels.  Deal with the pain and the insomnia.  Deal with the depression.  Deal with emotions I have, about having every shred of self-respect and dignity stripped from them, like I feel. 

I believe in God.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that it's all part of God's plan, and eventually things will work out the way that HE wants them to.  I've been told so many times that everything happens on HIS time table, not mine.  For the life of me though, I can't understand way God would want me to feel this way another day longer.  -Another minute longer, for that matter.  There has to be a way for me to be able to make a living to support my daughter and myself.  There just has to be.  I thought that public speaking, seminars for advocacy work, is what God wanted me to do and why I got sick and my husband left.  It doesn't appear that's the answer though.  At least not right now, or doors would be opening for me in that regard. 

No matter how bad each day seems to be, no matter how much worse I feel my situation gets each day, I will always keep the hope, faith, and love, and I'll continue to believe that a solution to my problems will be laid out infront of me.  I'm praying for a couple of miracles.  I'm praying that Thursday my doctor will make a medication change for me, that will give me enough relief that I can work.  I'm also praying that a job to support us with, will be delivered to me.  I've tried to brainstorm, and keep the wheels turning each and every day, to come up with a job that I can do in my present condition.  A job that will provide what we need.  This syndrome has even stripped me of the pride to continue to think of myself as a good mother.  Afterall, a good mother would work to support her children, wouldn't she?  I'm also praying for a miracle of a cure to be found.  One that will completely heal my poor, broken body, mind, and spirit, and allow me to feel like a good citizen again. 

As I continue to pray for these miracles, I ask you to join me and pray for them too.  If God shows YOU a job I could do in my present state, please let me know.  Help me to support myself and my daughter.  Help to make me feel human again, and like I'm a positive contributor to society.  Believe me, I'm open to any and all suggestions that any of you may have. 



Spiraling In A Dark Abyss

Every time I get my feet beneath me again, and start to feel like everything will be alright from my husband walking out on my daughter and I, something else happens.  The long, dark spiral starts again.  I feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a dark abyss.  Then starts the routine of once again, trying to find my footing.

Yesterday, my daughter sent a text to her grandmother.  She was trying to get a message to her dad that she wanted to talk to him.  She's been trying to contact him for 3.5 weeks now, with him never returning a phone call.  Her grandmother sent her a text back saying that her dad had quit his job and moved.  She asked her grandmother where he moved to, and if he has a new job.  Her grandmother sent a text back that said "Don't know".  That, made my daughter cry for hours on end asking me questions such as "If my dad loves me then why doesn't he at least send me a text asking how I'm doing?  If my dad cares about me, then why wouldn't he have seen me and told me in person he was moving away and quitting his job?".

I had noticed that when he took his entire paycheck out of an ATM within minutes of it hitting Thursday night, that he'd done so at an ATM in Zanesville, OH.  I wondered then why he'd be that far away (3hrs from where we live) at almost midnight on a work night.  It all makes sense now.  The weekend that he "disappeared", then came home on that Sunday night (Easter Sunday), all he would tell me is that he'd been about 3hrs from home, and that he'd been east of Columbus, OH.  When I asked "where east of Columbus" he'd told me it was none of my business.  I guess he obviously had met someone from that area somehow while he was still with me.  =(

My daughter was freaking out that her dad quit his job.  She kept saying "How will we live if he doesn't have a job for us to get child support and alimony from him?".  I told her I didn't have all of the answers right this minute, but not to worry that we'd be fine.  That we always turn out fine.  Nothing would appease her.  On the inside, I too was freaking out wondering the same thing.  I also was scared and worried about us losing our health insurance.  I have all of my tests and appointments rescheduled for The Cleveland Clinic on June 14th.  My dad told me that he was pretty sure that they'd started taking health insurance out of my husband's checks a month before it went into effect, so we should still have it for all of this month yet.  It appears he must be right, because it was still showing in effect today went I checked it again.

My father called and asked to speak to my daughter.  My mom had told him what I'd told her, about how scared, worried and upset Courtney was.  He told her that she isn't in this alone, that she'd always have me, him, and my mother and that all three of us will always do everything we can for her.  He told her that him and my mom would never let her go without something she really needed.  I'm so grateful to have the parents I do.  I'm an only child, and I love my parents so very much.

I can't begin to stress to all of you, how much I hate being chronically ill.  All of this, would be so much easier for me to handle, and so much less stressful, if I could just go out and apply for any job opening there is.  The cold, hard realities though, is that I can't.  No matter how much I truly want to work and bring in a paycheck, I can't.  I ended up crying yesterday too, telling my daughter that she's equally mine and her dads responsibility and I feel that I'm letting her down just as much as he is.  I told her how sorry I am that I can't work to bring in a paycheck so that she wouldn't have to worry so much.  My health, is making me a crappy parent.  I love all four of my kids so very much, that it just kills me mentally to not be able to work to provide my underage daughter with the things she needs and deserves.

All I could think about doing most of the day and evening yesterday was to go into my room, crawl into bed,  and cry myself to sleep then just stay there for a week.  I didn't do that though.  That would solve nothing.  That would just worry and frighten my daughter more then she already was.  This wasn't a solution.

I still don't have a solution to my problems.  I still don't know what to do.  I've always been a chronic worrier all of my life, and I will freely admit that I am so tired, so very mentally exhausted, of worrying about everything all alone.  I wish more then anything right now, that I had someone to hug me and hold me, and tell me everything will work out in the end.  I've been shouldering so much on my own in the last two months, that when I think of it, it astounds me.

The stress and worry that I have, throws me into flares.  Both pain and insomnia flares.  Alas, I crawled my way out of bed today.  I sat down at my computer, and I sent off yet another email asking for help in holding a chronic pain and invisible illness seminar.  It's become more then obvious to me, that the only way I'm going to be able to get a start in that business, is to somehow raise the funds to hold two or three of them on my own.  Come up with the money to rent a space, a conference room to hold them in, to purchase tickets with, and to pay for advertising for them, on my own.  Holding a few on my own will help to get my name out there.  I'll have something to put sample clips of, on YouTube.  People and organizations will be more willing to take a risk on me.  I knew this a few days ago, which is why I finally bit the bullet and opened a Go Fund Me account.  Now, even more than then, it's so important for me to be able to do this and as quickly as possible.  I'd never ask an individual to contribute to my Go Fund Me Account.  I know that this economy is horrible and times are tough for everyone right now.  I have to ask you all though, that if you have an affiliation with any corporation, organization, or business that may be willing to make a donation, that you please pass along my information.

If I can even hit even the $1000 mark in my account, then I'll start checking out prices of conference rooms and advertising.  If it's enough to hold the first one, I'll be on it right away.  I just truly don't know what to do to provide a living for my daughter and myself, besides this.  Today, Courtney and her boyfriend did a ton of work to the house for me.  I felt so guilty that I couldn't help them with what they were doing.  I went to the laundry room and started a load of laundry.  I was out of breath and in pain, so I had to come sit down.  After sitting for a bit I hoisted myself up again, and unloaded the dish washer.  Then again, I sat.  Then, I went out and loaded the dish washer.  I was in tears from the bending.  I also cleaned off my china cabinet today and dusted it.  Again, I had to break it up into small increments.  I did these things after pre-medicating myself with a pain pill.  I still was in tears from the pain.  Right now, my arms are killing me.  It's killing them just sitting here typing.  My shoulders are killing me, I can't even raise my arms above my head.  My neck hurts so badly, that I can barely turn my head from one side to the other or up and down.  My back is killing me.  My knees, and upper legs are aching and burning.  -And what did I do to cause all of this debilitating pain?  I threw some dirty towels in a washer, I unloaded and reloaded a dish washer, and I cleaned off a china cabinet (that seems to be a catch-all for everyone to throw everything on) and dusted it.  Not very much in the grand scheme of things, was it?  How in the world, can I get a "real" job and support us?  I just don't see how it's possible.  I had used up so many spoons today doing these few small tasks, that I couldn't even make supper tonight.  My daughter made ramen noodles.  She made some for me too, and I didn't even have the energy to eat them.  I took a few bites, then gave mine to her.  I was too tired to eat, and in so much pain that I didn't have an appetite.

I'm the type of person that doesn't like to ask for help from anyone.  My flight or fight instinct has kicked in though, and I don't really have a choice.  I have to ask you all, to please share my blog and my desire to make a career out of public speaking.  I ask you all to please think long and hard of any corporation or organization that might be willing to help me.  The more people that see and/or hear about my blog and my dream career of leading seminars, the better chance I have to make this dream come true and to start earning a living for my daughter and I.  I'm so very grateful for each and every one of you that's a part of my life here on my blog, and on my blog's facebook page.  It's comforting to me, to know that I'm not alone in my pain, and my daily struggles.  Thank you all for being here.

Education, Motivation, and Advocacy Seminars

It's become more then obvious, that if I want to conduct seminars on living with chronic pain/invisible illnesses, that I'm going to have to take the initiative to get things rolling for me.  Paid public speaking is a hard thing to break into until you have really made a name for yourself.  Opportunities are not going to just fall into my lap.  If I want this, then I need to make it happen.

As much as I didn't want to, I've opened a Go Fund Me account.  I'll be seeking donations, with the overall goal of collecting $5,000.  I need this money, to have the funds to rent a couple hotel conference rooms and pay for advertising, to get my first few seminars under way.  I'm also going to have to purchase a video camera so that my first few seminars can be recorded, then I can upload clips of it to YouTube, so that potential clients will see what I have to offer.  I've been approached by two different people so far, asking if I have any clips uploaded to  YouTube.  No clips, meant no work for me.

I'm confident that if I can book a few seminars on my own, that word will spread about me and I'll be able to make a career out of paid public speaking.  I want to educate, advocate, and motivate.  Not only individuals who suffer from chronic pain and/or invisible illnesses, but also doctors, nurses, politicians, pharmaceutical companies, the general population.  Nothing will ever change in the world concerning chronic pain conditions, unless people know about them, and understand them.  My hope is that someday soon, enough people will be aware of the facts of these conditions, that more research will be conducted and a cure, or at the very least, a concrete treatment plan will be found.  Right now there's too many myths about these conditions circulating that need to be dispelled.  

If you know of any company, corporation, or organization that would believe in me and what I'm trying to do, please point them to me and/or my donation page.  I absolutely hate asking for help, but I'm left with no choice but to swallow my pride and ask for donations.  This is too important to me to not make it happen just because I don't have the money to do so on my own.  You can find my donation page HERE.  Please help me spread the word.  Help me to get my voice heard.  Thank you all in advance!

Memorial Day 2012

Today was a tough day for me to get through.  See, my STBX husbands birthday is May 27th.  We always have our pool up, and grill out.  Sometimes we'd go camping for the weekend, or rent a cabin in southern Ohio.  I can't tell you how many times I thought of him yesterday.  Our daughter tried to get a hold of him so she could tell him happy birthday, but he didn't return her call.  That hurt her, which hurt me in return, as her mother.  

Despite him not being here this year, I was bound and determined to try and make this a great day for my daughter anyway.  Well, you all know what they say about the best laid plans, right?!  My son put the pool up for us about a week ago.  I figured that would give us plenty of time to have it ready to swim in by today. Well, we had one problem after another with the pool, filling it, etc.  I had one pouch of chemicals left from last year and figured that would be enough to get it going for us.  Wrong.  Today, the pool looked like a greenish-black sesspool.  Of course since I haven't worked in years I don't have a job to make money to buy  more chemicals, and the STBX isn't paying me support that he promised he'd pay when he walked out.  

Next, my daughter wanted chicken on the grill with BBQ sauce.  Go ahead and laugh, but I've never cooked on a gas grill before.  My STBX always did it.  Courtney (my daughter) wanted it so bad, and has been so hurt and disappointed over various things since her dad walked out, that I felt I had to try.  It took us until around 8:30pm to get the grill out and start making supper.  The electric start on the grill is broken, which I knew, so we have to light it with a match or lighter.  We'd had those long lighters that's used for that, and that's what STBX always used.  Of course we couldn't find it though.  We rolled up a piece of computer paper and used that to light it with.  Low and behold, after we were done, we found the long lighter.  She's trying to be nice and saying that the chicken was really good, but in all honesty it was pretty much a charred disaster.  

My youngest son is the only one of my children that's married.  Him and his wife are in the process of moving out of my house.  They stopped over to pick up a load of their things.  He casually mentioned to me that he'd seen his aunt yesterday, the one who STBX moved in with when he left me.  He said that he'd asked his aunt what his dad had been up to (he'd stopped to try and see him on his birthday) and she told him "Nothing much.  He's just been hanging out with his new girlfriend".  Of course hearing that today, even though I already "knew" he was seeing someone, really hurt.  By the time my son had left, I was sitting hunched over my desk due to my back pain.  I started having chest pain again (I think it's from anxiety), and felt completely wiped out.  I couldn't help it, but the tears started flowing again.  

My kids haven't heard from, nor seen their dad in almost 3 weeks now.  This is really hurting my daughter.  She had called and left messages for him to call her, for a week straight without receiving a phone call back from him.  Stuff like this really hurts my health and my depression.  When I see my daughter hurt, it hurts me.    All of this stress; him leaving, him not giving me monetary support (this past Thursday night when his check hit, within 5 minutes or less of it hitting he'd taken it all out exept for $15.40 that he left for us), not being able to get a start in public speaking for motivation and advocacy like I'd desperately praying for, feeling ill, all of it, makes me have pain and insomnia flares.

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go with my life, but I'm still clinging to the idea that there's a reason for everything that's happening to me.  I still firmly believe that the reason I became so sick, with so many health problems, is because I'm supposed to educate people with seminars.  I do realize now, that in the grand scheme of things, my daughter and myself are better off without my husband here.  He didn't treat us right, even when he was here.  We both deserve better then that.  Still, I loved him very much, so it hurts.  It's so hard to get used to not having someone to do things with.  Someone to talk to. Someone to give me a hug, and care how I feel that day.  It's boring and lonely.  I know, that eventually I'll adapt though.  Eventually, I'll get a break in paid public speaking and I'll be able to support my daughter and myself.  I'll eventually have that to busy my time, and to get me out around other adults.  I'll be able to focus on making a brand new life for Courtney and I.  One that's better then what we had.

Some days, it feels like the depression is just too much for me.  The stress, feels like it's pulling me under a current and that no matter how hard I try to keep swimming, I'm going to sink anyway.  My fibromyalgia and arthritis was bad before he ever left.  Now, the symptoms are a lot worse.  I didn't think that was possible, but unfortunately I've been shown that it's very possible.  Some days, the pain is crippling.  Some evenings it takes everything I have, to walk across the house.  I moan and groan like I'm 80yrs old from the pain in my knees, every time I stand up.  

No matter how much pain I'm in, or how dark and dismal my future may look to me right now, I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm a fighter.  I always have been.  Therefore, I pick myself up and carry on.  I refuse to allow a man I've loved to ruin me.  I refuse to lay down and cave into the pain of my illnesses.  One of these days, someone in the right field will hear my cry.  They'll read my words.  They'll talk to me, and see what my seminar is about, and what I have to offer their audience.  I believe in not only myself enough, but in everyone with a chronic pain illness and/or an invisible illness enough, that I won't shut up.  I'll keep thinking, and reading, and researching, and blogging, and sending emails until someone reaches out a hand for me to grab.  A lifeline that they throw to me, to pull me out of the water.  Then, in my seminars, people will not only hear my voice, but the voices of all of us who suffer from these debilitating conditions.  When will that day come?  I don't know.  I do know though, that it will come.