Sunday, June 3, 2012

Spiraling In A Dark Abyss

Every time I get my feet beneath me again, and start to feel like everything will be alright from my husband walking out on my daughter and I, something else happens.  The long, dark spiral starts again.  I feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a dark abyss.  Then starts the routine of once again, trying to find my footing.

Yesterday, my daughter sent a text to her grandmother.  She was trying to get a message to her dad that she wanted to talk to him.  She's been trying to contact him for 3.5 weeks now, with him never returning a phone call.  Her grandmother sent her a text back saying that her dad had quit his job and moved.  She asked her grandmother where he moved to, and if he has a new job.  Her grandmother sent a text back that said "Don't know".  That, made my daughter cry for hours on end asking me questions such as "If my dad loves me then why doesn't he at least send me a text asking how I'm doing?  If my dad cares about me, then why wouldn't he have seen me and told me in person he was moving away and quitting his job?".

I had noticed that when he took his entire paycheck out of an ATM within minutes of it hitting Thursday night, that he'd done so at an ATM in Zanesville, OH.  I wondered then why he'd be that far away (3hrs from where we live) at almost midnight on a work night.  It all makes sense now.  The weekend that he "disappeared", then came home on that Sunday night (Easter Sunday), all he would tell me is that he'd been about 3hrs from home, and that he'd been east of Columbus, OH.  When I asked "where east of Columbus" he'd told me it was none of my business.  I guess he obviously had met someone from that area somehow while he was still with me.  =(

My daughter was freaking out that her dad quit his job.  She kept saying "How will we live if he doesn't have a job for us to get child support and alimony from him?".  I told her I didn't have all of the answers right this minute, but not to worry that we'd be fine.  That we always turn out fine.  Nothing would appease her.  On the inside, I too was freaking out wondering the same thing.  I also was scared and worried about us losing our health insurance.  I have all of my tests and appointments rescheduled for The Cleveland Clinic on June 14th.  My dad told me that he was pretty sure that they'd started taking health insurance out of my husband's checks a month before it went into effect, so we should still have it for all of this month yet.  It appears he must be right, because it was still showing in effect today went I checked it again.

My father called and asked to speak to my daughter.  My mom had told him what I'd told her, about how scared, worried and upset Courtney was.  He told her that she isn't in this alone, that she'd always have me, him, and my mother and that all three of us will always do everything we can for her.  He told her that him and my mom would never let her go without something she really needed.  I'm so grateful to have the parents I do.  I'm an only child, and I love my parents so very much.

I can't begin to stress to all of you, how much I hate being chronically ill.  All of this, would be so much easier for me to handle, and so much less stressful, if I could just go out and apply for any job opening there is.  The cold, hard realities though, is that I can't.  No matter how much I truly want to work and bring in a paycheck, I can't.  I ended up crying yesterday too, telling my daughter that she's equally mine and her dads responsibility and I feel that I'm letting her down just as much as he is.  I told her how sorry I am that I can't work to bring in a paycheck so that she wouldn't have to worry so much.  My health, is making me a crappy parent.  I love all four of my kids so very much, that it just kills me mentally to not be able to work to provide my underage daughter with the things she needs and deserves.

All I could think about doing most of the day and evening yesterday was to go into my room, crawl into bed,  and cry myself to sleep then just stay there for a week.  I didn't do that though.  That would solve nothing.  That would just worry and frighten my daughter more then she already was.  This wasn't a solution.

I still don't have a solution to my problems.  I still don't know what to do.  I've always been a chronic worrier all of my life, and I will freely admit that I am so tired, so very mentally exhausted, of worrying about everything all alone.  I wish more then anything right now, that I had someone to hug me and hold me, and tell me everything will work out in the end.  I've been shouldering so much on my own in the last two months, that when I think of it, it astounds me.

The stress and worry that I have, throws me into flares.  Both pain and insomnia flares.  Alas, I crawled my way out of bed today.  I sat down at my computer, and I sent off yet another email asking for help in holding a chronic pain and invisible illness seminar.  It's become more then obvious to me, that the only way I'm going to be able to get a start in that business, is to somehow raise the funds to hold two or three of them on my own.  Come up with the money to rent a space, a conference room to hold them in, to purchase tickets with, and to pay for advertising for them, on my own.  Holding a few on my own will help to get my name out there.  I'll have something to put sample clips of, on YouTube.  People and organizations will be more willing to take a risk on me.  I knew this a few days ago, which is why I finally bit the bullet and opened a Go Fund Me account.  Now, even more than then, it's so important for me to be able to do this and as quickly as possible.  I'd never ask an individual to contribute to my Go Fund Me Account.  I know that this economy is horrible and times are tough for everyone right now.  I have to ask you all though, that if you have an affiliation with any corporation, organization, or business that may be willing to make a donation, that you please pass along my information.

If I can even hit even the $1000 mark in my account, then I'll start checking out prices of conference rooms and advertising.  If it's enough to hold the first one, I'll be on it right away.  I just truly don't know what to do to provide a living for my daughter and myself, besides this.  Today, Courtney and her boyfriend did a ton of work to the house for me.  I felt so guilty that I couldn't help them with what they were doing.  I went to the laundry room and started a load of laundry.  I was out of breath and in pain, so I had to come sit down.  After sitting for a bit I hoisted myself up again, and unloaded the dish washer.  Then again, I sat.  Then, I went out and loaded the dish washer.  I was in tears from the bending.  I also cleaned off my china cabinet today and dusted it.  Again, I had to break it up into small increments.  I did these things after pre-medicating myself with a pain pill.  I still was in tears from the pain.  Right now, my arms are killing me.  It's killing them just sitting here typing.  My shoulders are killing me, I can't even raise my arms above my head.  My neck hurts so badly, that I can barely turn my head from one side to the other or up and down.  My back is killing me.  My knees, and upper legs are aching and burning.  -And what did I do to cause all of this debilitating pain?  I threw some dirty towels in a washer, I unloaded and reloaded a dish washer, and I cleaned off a china cabinet (that seems to be a catch-all for everyone to throw everything on) and dusted it.  Not very much in the grand scheme of things, was it?  How in the world, can I get a "real" job and support us?  I just don't see how it's possible.  I had used up so many spoons today doing these few small tasks, that I couldn't even make supper tonight.  My daughter made ramen noodles.  She made some for me too, and I didn't even have the energy to eat them.  I took a few bites, then gave mine to her.  I was too tired to eat, and in so much pain that I didn't have an appetite.

I'm the type of person that doesn't like to ask for help from anyone.  My flight or fight instinct has kicked in though, and I don't really have a choice.  I have to ask you all, to please share my blog and my desire to make a career out of public speaking.  I ask you all to please think long and hard of any corporation or organization that might be willing to help me.  The more people that see and/or hear about my blog and my dream career of leading seminars, the better chance I have to make this dream come true and to start earning a living for my daughter and I.  I'm so very grateful for each and every one of you that's a part of my life here on my blog, and on my blog's facebook page.  It's comforting to me, to know that I'm not alone in my pain, and my daily struggles.  Thank you all for being here.

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