Early this past Sunday morning, I woke up and was swallowing over and over to try and keep from throwing up. Thank goodness that it's only about 4 giant leaps from the edge of my bed, to my toilet. I moved quicker then I have in years! I ended up grabbing the trash can and taking it back to my bed. It's a kitchen sized can, 13 gallon. It was the perfect height to match the top edge of my bed.
From that moment on, all I did was hang my head over, with my eyes still shut, and got sick. Over and over and over. At 4:30pm Sunday afternoon I finally managed to crawl from my bed, to my computer chair. I was only up for 3.5 hours before I had to go back to bed. To say I was sick, was an understatement. Honestly, I laid on my side, crying,
and telling myself that death may be a welcomed distraction willing myself not to vomit any more. I couldn't remember when I'd ever been so sick. I vomited so much, and so hard, that I lost my voice. All I could do until today, was croak out a soft, raspy whisper. Even yesterday when my parents called to make sure I was still alive see if I was feeling better, they couldn't make out what I was trying to say to them on the phone.
So, we've all heard this talk about spoons. Most of us have read The Spoon Theory (which is wonderful, btw) and understand that we only have so many spoons each and every day to work with. With the roasting hot sweating, then chilling, then vomiting, then groaning, then having my hip or shoulder start hurting from laying in bed so long so I'd have to slowly move while
demanding praying that movement didn't make me vomit anymore, my spoons were gone. Quickly. My spoons for Monday were also gone. In the blink of an eye. Pretty much I've figured out, my spoons for this entire WEEK are gone.
Today is the first day that I've felt
slightly human again. Good news, right?! Well, I thought it would be good news, but no. Now, I've been fighting a headache (possibly a sinus headache) the entire day and night. It starts getting late and my crappy insomnia rears it's ugly head. My neck and shoulders are throbbing. I walked out to the kitchen to get a glass of ice water, and my mid-back had me blinking back tears of joy pain all the way back to my computer chair. -Don't forget, my computer chair is the only seat I have in this entire house that doesn't kill my back to sit in. My knees make me cuss under my breath holler a loud "OUCH" every time I stand. The front of my upper legs, are throbbing with pain. I just took two Tramadol pain pills, and two Tylenol. I also took 100mg of Amitriptyline. Why am I whining and complaining telling you all this? I'm telling you all this, because I'm sick of it. Come on, I couldn't have ONE dang day and night where I didn't hurt so bad that I could lose my mind scream?
Same crap, different day. Horrible pain flare. Horrible insomnia flare. I can't lie, I have had a few days here and there since April where I wasn't in
excruciating, mind blowing, blood curling pain, but I've had a ton of flares, that last and last before getting a break. Insomnia, on the other hand, has been a horrible, vile, viscous monster since April. Every night, I sit here so tired I could literally cry. I sit here in pain. I take 100mg of Amitriptyline then sit and wait for it to ever kick in so that I may get a few hours of sleep. I take the tramadol and most of the time either Tylenol or Ibuprofen in addition, then sit and pray that it at least dulls some of the deep muscular and joint aches and pains, so that I can fall asleep when the Amitriptyline kicks in. My fibro fog has been so bad this week, that I've forgotten my daytime meds two or three times. I'm just sick to death of it all! I feel like all I do is eat pills, sit and wait, pray they work.
Do you want to know something else that
pisses me off makes me mad? No matter what it is that someone in my household gets, I get it a hundred-million-trillion times worse then they do. If one of my kids has a mild cold, I get bronchitis. If one of my kids gets bronchitis, I get pneumonia. No joke. I sick so much easier, and so much worse, then anyone around me. I swear, every time that I go somewhere that's super crowded I get sick. It doesn't matter how many times I wash my hands. It doesn't matter how many gallons bottles of hand sanitizer I use, I get sick. A week ago Saturday we went to Fort Rapids Resort and Indoor Water Park. We left for home Sunday, late afternoon. One week later, this past early Sunday a.m. is when I started vomiting from some nasty bug.
bs crap? Yeah, it's 3am when I'm lucky, has got to stop. I know that's part of my problem. Did you realize insomnia lowers your immune system? Yep, it's true. It really does. If you do a google search on the topic, you'll get more information about it then you'd ever believe you could. Just for a quick reference though, check out THIS link for some information on it from The Mayo Clinic. Did you also know that studies have proven that insomnia causes depression? Check out THIS article from CBS News.
Now that I'm done
whining like a 2 year old about my miserable, crappy life, I'll go on to a more upbeat, positive approach. EDUCATION IS KEY! May is Fibromyalgia Awareness Month, but September is Chronic Pain Awareness Month and anyone with Fibromyalgia knows that chronic pain is a huge part of their daily lives. Having all these "awareness" months honestly seems like a big ole bottle of hog wash to me. If you're going to advocate and try to spread awareness, why in the heck would you just do it one month out of the year? Hmm ....something to think about, isn't it? If we don't educate the community, the health care workers, the politicians, the pharmaceutical companies, our own FAMILIES & FRIENDS, then how will change ever come about? We have to stand up and make everyone understand what it's like to live just one week; heck just one day, in our lives. If anyone knows of a church or a company, an organization or a conference, or even a community, that would be interested in being educated about living with chronic pain & fatigue from a patients view, please send them to me. I wish I could present my chronic pain seminar somewhere every single weekend. Even if I had to crawl to the front due to a pain flare, I assure you I'd be there anyway! Also, if you know of any person, group, business, or organization that would be willing to donate to my chronic pain seminar fund, please give them THIS link. I'm trying to raise funds to rent conference rooms at large hotels, and advertising money, to present this seminar.
Thank you all for listening to my whining and ranting. It feels good to know that I'm not alone out there, but at the same time I hate to know that there ARE people out there who knows where I'm coming from and how I feel. I hope & pray that someday in the near future we'll have a cure for chronic pain and fatigue disorders. Or at the very least a standard, universal treatment plan that actually works! In the mean time, since I can't have a real beer due to all of my meds, could you please pass me a root beer to drown my sorrows in?