I took this photo after the only "real" snow we've had so far this winter. December 29, 2012. I think the undisturbed layer of snow is beautiful, but it's also so cold and deserted. The benches of our local park wait patiently for Spring. For warmth, for the sound of children's laughter again, and for people to load the tables down with all of the great food and get-togethers. It patiently waits for Spring. Reflecting on this photo, also makes me reflect a little on my life. I too, feel cold and lonely. I too, am awaiting the warm of "Spring".
When my husband first left me out of the blue on April 8th of last year, I instantly started a flare. In all accounts. My pain flared, my insomnia flared, and my depression really flared. I sat and cried off and on all day, and all night, for three months. Not only does that sound ridiculous, but it is ridiculous. I couldn't help it though. I already had been battling depression before he left and once he did, I just quickly spiraled downward.
In July, I had an appointment with my rheumatologist. I had papers to fill out before she came in to see me, as I always did regarding my symptoms. She came flying in the door with her eyebrowns knitted down and a true look of concern on her face. She said "Your health is a lot worse. What's going on?". That's all it took. The tears started flowing again, like two faucets that were stuck wide open. After her hugging me, rubbing my back lightly with one hand, and handing me half a box of tissues she looked at me and said "Ok, it's time to buck up. You can beat this depression, and I'm here to help you.". She put me on anti-depressants. Soon, I wasn't crying off and on all day and night long, only a few times throughout the day and night. Then, pretty soon I was down to not crying every day, but only a few days a week. After that, I just stopped crying. I felt as if I'd held onto the rope long enough to be pulled out of my deep, dark hole.
Lately, I'd been feeling the depression creeping up on me again. I was starting to cry off and on again. I was feeling like things were too much. I've been so extremely stressed over money, and my health. I've been so lonely. So, so very lonely. I was overweight to begin with, but with these meds and the physical pain I've been in every single day, I've gained even more weight. I look in the mirror and I'm completely disgusted by the site of myself. I've never had any self-esteem to begin with and now with how heavy I am, it's even worse.
A week ago Sunday night, my soon-to-be ex sent our daughter a facebook message and apologized to her. He asked her to apologize to me too. Just as she was hollering "mom" from upstairs, I'd seen I had a message from him in my inbox too. See, soon after he left, he stopped even seeing or talking to her too. Neither of us had heard a word from him since June 10, 2012 so it took us both completely off guard.
The woman he'd left me for had cheated on him and he was living back at his mom's. He wanted to see Courtney and I told her at 17yrs of age, it was her decision if she was going to see him or not, not mine. She chose to see him. He came over three or four times through this past week. He ate supper with her one night, we all played a board game on Friday night, etc. Come Saturday late afternoon, she called him to see if he could take her to get shoes for her 1st job that she was starting at McDonald's this week. He wouldn't answer his cell for her. I sent him a message through facebook and asked him why he wasn't responding to her. He messaged me back and said that he was back with his girlfriend and to leave him alone. Another punch in the gut. I couldn't help it. I sat up bawling like crazy until 6am. That dark hole I worked so hard to climb out of? Yeah, well all the rocks just came tumbling down to completely bury me again.
To make sure I couldn't even see a shred of light, his girlfriend and him kept messaging Court's boyfriend, and me and anyone else they could think of to make sure I got the message that I was a fat, nasty, disgusting woman. Only I'm giving you the clean version here. If I totally was going to give a no-hold's barred post, you all would probably faint. -All the way down to saying that a bag of flour needed dumped on me because I'm so fat. -I'm pretty sure you all have heard that saying in the past and know what was said to me. This kind of behavior lasted all night last night and until after supper time tonight. I'm pretty sure we have everything blocked good now and won't be insulted with words. The final message from his girlfriend, was that him and her both are deleting their past from their lives and moving on to the future with each other. -Leaving behind any and all baggage. So, my daughter has been completely thrown away too. He won't have anything to do with her. Said she's full of all bullshit and lies. I realize that they are unintelligent, mean spirited people and I shouldn't let anything they say bother me, but I can't help it. He knew all the right things to say to me, to cut me to the quick. I'm completely stranded on some bills for January. I don't know how I'm going to pay them. I'd already been worried sick about it, and then he goes and tells me what a fat, lazy leach I am and how I'm just a burden to my family with all of my medical problems and looking to them to support me. Him and this other woman have completely stripped me of any dignity I may have had, in a short 36 hour period or so.
I feel like I'm back to day one of him leaving me. I'm scared, my anxiety is in high gear, I'm crying, I've been stripped of any self respect, and I'm freaking out about what I'm going to do for income. I'm so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of doing nothing but setting alarms to eat another handful of pills. I'm tired of still hurting beyond belief physically even though I DO eat a handful of pills 3x a day. More then anything, I just wish I had someone special to care about me, and to lay in bed and hold me while I cry myself to sleep. I'm not any spring chicken by any means, I was 42 years old on November 18th. I'm still young enough though, that I don't want to live the rest of my life out without someone to be by my side. J and D were right though, in the fact that the way I look and the fact that I can't support myself will greatly diminish my chances at ever finding love.
In the past 7 weeks I've had 3 procedures under sedation to try and help some of my pain. It was all for nothing. I still have the pain. I will myself not to think about my pain, but it's impossible to tune out a monster that's inside of you chewing and clawing away. I can't stand long enough to do a load of dishes all at once. Every 5 minutes or so I have to stop and sit down. Although sitting for very long causes me to have sharp pains mixed in with my dull aches. My knee pain is so bad that I have to use the arms of my computer chair to push myself back up to a standing position, with me muttering "ouch" as I'm rising. My legs and back are so stiff when I do get standing, that my first few steps are made with me hunching over a bit. Just typing this has my upper arms hurting and feeling like they weigh 1,000 pounds each. I'm already stiff from sitting long enough to write this. I'm already having the shooting throbbing pain in my upper legs just from typing this. How in the hell can I work a job to bring in income? How? Several large corporations offer some work from home jobs, but I'm not trained. I don't have a college degree and I'm not qualified for anything more then a minimum wage job. We all know that any minimum wage job has you on your feet and/or running around back and forth through the entire shift. How AM I ever going to be able to pay my bills, you know?
I see all this "I'm so tuff" talk all the time about how Fibro is NOT who they are, or how Fibro doesn't define them. Well, I'm here for any of those out there like me, that can openly admit that Fibro DOES turn a person into what/who they are. Fibro DOES define me. How in the world can it not? It's taken my marriage, it's taken my self-respect, it's taken the ability to provide a living for my daughter and myself. Fibro has made me a slave to medicines and alarms and whether I can leave my house that day or not. Sure, I want to motivate myself and others too, but I don't feel it necessary to downplay how absolutely horrible a bad case of Fibromyalgia can be ..and IS in my case. Just like with any other sickness. One person may have 10 symptoms and one person may have one symptom from Fibromyalgia. People can have varying degrees and types of pain from it. I feel that for me to own up to how much it's helped to destroy my life, that I'm doing a bigger service to the chronic pain and fatigue world then if I posted all of the rah-rah crap. If anyone is out there that feels the same way I do, I want to validate their feelings, because all of the rah-rah crap? Yeah, it doesn't help pull me up out of my dark hole. It helps me to feel even more lonely then I already am. It makes me feel that maybe I'm just a whiny whimp. It makes me like a complete outcast in the Fibro world.
I went into this adult world thinking that I was going to go a great amusement park that would be loads of fun. I thought I'd be able to hit up an all you can eat buffet while I was there. Unfortunately though, the reality of it is that I hopped on a roller coaster that is barreling out of control, and instead of getting to order a buffet, the waitress instead flopped down a crap sandwich. Sorry to be a downer tonight. I'm truly struggling right now and doing the very best that I can to keep my head above water. At least one thing you all know you'll get with me, is honesty. I'm not going to sugar coat anything in my life.