All The Small Things

Ok, I realize that the song doesn't have the meaning I'm talking about in this post, but I love it anyway and the title fits LOL.  Living with chronic pain I'm reminded almost daily of all the small things that I can't do now.  Or that I can't do without causing my body pain and sometimes setting myself back a couple days in a row afterwards.  The heat and humidity?  It leaves me completely wiped out, plus affects my asthma/COPD.  I walk around sounding a bit like Darth Vader.  Walking around the block?  Somedays I just can't.  I couldn't make it across the street.  When I do, I'm left completely exhausted for the rest of the day at least.  Sometimes the following day or two too.  Setting up a yard sale?  Yeah, I couldn't.  I helped with a few things, but overall my kids set it up.  The little bit I did do, still  has me completely wiped out.

Doing something as simple as laundry I sometimes can't do.  I have to have my daughter switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, then take them out of the dryer for me.  My back pain won't allow me to bend and stoop to do it.  Sometimes it even hurts my arms, from reaching and outstretching them.  Sometimes bending to this, or other times leaves me dizzy. 

A few minutes ago I walked out the back door to turn the hose on.  We're in the process of filling our above ground pool.  I turned the hose on, then came back in here to sit down.  I'm completely exhausted now.  My head is even hurting since doing it.  How ridiculous is that?

My old rheumatologist and the new one both asked me if I have chest pain.  I told them both no.  Starting this past Wednesday though, I've had bad chest pain several times a day.  I guess I get to add that to my symptoms when I have my next appointment. 

About a week after my last appointment in February, I started experiencing Fibromyalgia Numbness in my left hand and fingers.  It was so bad for awhile, that I couldn't hardly type.  It was the weirdest sensation to have, and to have it just stay like that.  Eventually, it started getting better and was almost completely gone.  Now, it's starting to come back again. 

Some days, It hurts my arms, hands and fingers to even type.  I couldn't do a blog post, without causing myself severe pain.  Almost daily my arms ache and hurt too much, that even reaching out to take a plate out of the cabinet hurts them.  To make supper, I have to take a pain pill about 30 minutes prior, then I'm still usually still in such pain that I'm blinking back tears before I'm done.  That's the only meal I cook.  Everyone has to fend for themselves for breakfast and lunch.  Running a sweeper?  Forget it. I'd be down the rest of that day, and usually the next too.  Even standing up and sitting down causes me a lot of pain.  My poor knees snap and crack and I have shooting pain. Shaving my legs?  I usually can't without help.  Now the I'm getting a divorce I don't have a choice.  It took me over 30 minutes and completely wiped me out.  It also gave me charley horse type cramps in my stomache, sides and back.

There's more.  Many  more simple things  I can't do now, or do with difficulty and hurting myself.  A few weeks ago, when I went grocery shopping I was in such pain and physically exhausted afterwards, that on the way home I started crying.  I couldn't help it.  The tears were just silently running down my face.  That particular incident really hit me hard.  It showed me how difficult living my life without my husband was going to be.  We always went grocery shopping together and if I needed something that was down low or up high he got it for me and put it in the cart.  He'd put everything on the register belt to be scanned, then put all the bags back into the cart.  He'd load it from the cart into the car, then bring it inside the house for my daughter to put away. 

If I can't even do the small things in life, how am I supposed to live?  How am I supposed to do this thing called "Life" being single?  What will I do when all of my kids are grown and out of the house?  My youngest is 16 years old.  She'll be a senior next year, then off to college.  It may sound dumb, but I actually feel panicked when I sit and think about it.  -Yep, that dang anxiety that accompanies fibromyalgia.  Sitting here writting this out, has tears stinging my eyes that I keep blinking back. 

People who don't live with a chronic pain and fatigue condition will never understand these things.  Reading it, may not even sound realistic to them.  I could see someone reading this post and saying to themselves, "That's absurd. This lady is just lazy.".  I assure anyone who may be reading this, it's all very real.  Do I like it?  Heck no.  I hate it!  I hate fibromyalgia.  I hate COPD.  I hate arthritis. I hate IBS.  I hate all of these, among other illnesses and diseases.  I'm not sure how to live my life.  I'd like to think that I could figure out ways to still live a fullfilling life, but I'm not sure it's possible.  I'm not sure it'll ever be possible in my lifetime.  My hope, my prayer though, is that with enough awareness, education, and advocacy that maybe more money will be dedicated to research so that by the time my daughter is my age, she may not have to live her life in the mannor I'm living mine.  She has PCOS, and after I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I'm pretty sure she has it too.  She'd been through all kinds of tests, including expensive tests that had to be sent away to see if she had any type of muscles disease to cause her pain in her muscles.  My rheumy won't see children though.  I need to find one that does and have her tested.  Please, advocate for a cure.  Spread awareness.  Educate those who have misconceptions about our illnesses.  Try to get them to understand.