Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The FibroFrog Was Embarrassed Due To FibroFog
I've been sitting here waiting for a call to tell me when all of my appointments were rescheduled for, after last Thursday's Building A shut-down at The Cleveland Clinic. Monday, I told my dad that that they told me I'd be called, but that since my phone number had changed they wouldn't be able to reach me. I told him I had to remember to call them Tuesday, and give them the new number. Tuesday (yesterday) came around and I forgot to call them. I remembered around 6pm when I was on the phone with my mother. I said "Oh shoot! They're not going to be able to call me with my new appointments because I forgot to call and give them my new number.". My mom said that she'd call me today around 1pm and remind me to call them.
At 12:40pm today, I remembered to call them all on my own. I was soooo proud of myself that I remembered and didn't need my 69 year old mom to remind me. -How sad is that? Me, 41 years old needing to be reminded of things from my mother that's 69 years old. I picked up the phone and called the direct line number to my doctors nurse. Her name is Pat, and she's really sweet. When she answered I told her that I'd been waiting on my rescheduling call, and it dawned on me that they wouldn't have any way to reach me because I needed to give them my new phone number. She quickly said "Oh...I think you gave that to me last week didn't you?". I was genuinely confused for a moment and told her "No, I don't think I did?". She said "Yeah, I'm sure you gave it to me last week. It hasn't changed again that quickly has it?". By this point, I'm starting to really feel embarrassed. I told her "No, it's only changed once in the last 5 years". She told me to give her my social security number so she could check and make sure. Sure enough, she read off my new phone number to me. I was really embarrassed, and told her yes that was the correct number. I told her I was sorry, that I honestly can't remember giving her the number last Friday. She laughed a little bit, and then said something along the lines that she does that sometimes too. I felt like a complete fool!! I laughed a little and told her that I've really been having some pain and insomnia flares, and that I guess this proves that I must be having fibro fog flares too, that I really need my appointment. She told me if I don't hear from the scheduling department within a few days, to give her a call back. I seriously was mortified though.
I know that I shouldn't be too hard on myself about something trivial like this, but I can't help it. I just can't describe how I felt when the nurse said "It hasn't changed again since last week, has it?". I'm happy no one was downstairs to see me, because I'm pretty sure my face was probably as red as that question mark above LOL. It's little things like this that get to me. They make me detest this illness all the more. They remind me that I am sick. Things like this scare me too. If I'm already this forgetfull at 41 years old, how will I be when I'm 69 like my mother is? Will I even be able to function? Between the memory loss and pain will I have to be put into a nursing home? Of course, this type of thinking leads me into the depression that already accompanies fibromyalgia. Makes me think things like "Yeah...this is why my husband walked out on me and wants a divorce"....."This is why I'll probably have to live the rest of my life single and lonely". Just not good thoughts at all. Even typing this out, is now making me tear up a little bit again.
It's funny, how something so little, can spiral into so many feelings. So many emotions. Now, I know "hate" is a strong word, but I can honestly say that I hate fibromyalgia. I hate living every day of my life in pain. I hate being scared. I hate not remembering things. I hate not being able to sleep. I hate that when I do sleep, I awake feeling like I haven't slept. I hate the stiffness in my joints when I wake up...and after I've sat for awhile without moving. I hate not knowing if I'll be able to go out and do something as simple as pushing my granddaughter around the block in her stroller tomorrow...or even later today. I did that today, by the way. Courtney, my 16yr old daughter, and I were watching baby Leah today for a bit while my son and daughter in law went to a doctor appointment. Court asked me if I wanted to go with her to take Leah for a walk. I told her yes, that I'd enjoy getting out of the house and into the sunshine. By the time I returned home, I felt as if someone had stuck an I.V. into me and sucked all of my energy out. I had to will myself to get up to go to the restroom. I'm in such pain tonight from it, that I can barely walk. I hate that I can't even do something as simple as going for a walk on a nice spring day. I'll say it again. I hate Fibromyalgia!