Saturday, May 5, 2012
...And Now I Know
So now I understand why STBX is being so mean this week...mean enough to not even pick up my meds for me. He IS cheating on me. Despite me outright asking him several times, and him swearing "No Amy, I'm not seeing anyone. I have NO desire to see anyone. I don't want sex with anyone. If I want that I'll just come to you because we ARE married and there's nothing wrong with that, is there? We're separated, so I have NO reason to lie to you about any of this". I thought of a LOT wrong with that, btw...but won't go into it here. Anyway, he's with someone. His old highschool girlfriend has a photo of him & her with their heads together, as her facebook profile pic. Maybe the warning sign I have above, should also come with a warning to be careful, or else facebook may lead to you being busted in an adultrious affair. :/
I have sat here and cried. I've sobbed. I've wondered why "me" about a lot of things. Why am I so sick? Why can't I have a pretty face and a nice body? Why am I not good enough for him? Why am I not worthy of the truth? Why is it that he's the one who doesn't put me or his kids first, is a liar and a jerk, yet he can run out and find someone new right away, while I'm the one sitting here alone and probably will be for the rest of my life? Why am I the one to always feel both physical and emotional pain? Why don't I deserve to be happy? Why don't I deserve to have someone love me, just as strongly as the love I have to give?
That was a lot of "why's" and a lot of "I's", wasn't it? I guess that makes me look an sound kind of selfish right now, but I can't help it. I'm beyond devestated. I guess I was living in a dream state, hoping he'd come to his senses soon and tell me what a jerk he's been and that he does love me afterall. Now I know better. I'm mourning the loss of a life I thought I'd have, and the things I thought I'd do in my future. I'm doing it all while sitting hunched over my desk, in so much physical pain that it's impossible for me to sit straight today. My head is killing me. My arms and hands hurt to type. My legs are aching. Times like this makes me examine the "What have I done in my life to deserve this kind of emotional and physical pain?". What have I done so bad? I love people in my life with every ounce of me. I'm an extremely compassionate person. I always do anything I can to help someone if they need help with something. Older people, children, and animals bring me great joy. I honestly care and worry about friends and family. If I was rich I'd donate tons of money to pediatric cancer research, as well as research for neuro-immune disorders/chronic pain/invisible illness. I've never felt the need to be "rich". I'm so happy with the most simple things in life. If I could have enough money to buy plenty of food, pay my bills on time without having to worry & stress about it, buy myself and my daughter new clothes when needed, be able to take 1 week long vacation each year, and have a little nest egg of a few thousand in the bank for emergencies like car or appliance repairs/replacements, I'd be the happiest person in the world. Even before STBX left me April 8, when he'd tell me to buy something for myself I very rarely did. Because MY joy was instead buying for him...or my kids...or my stepgranddaughter..or my parents. MY joy came from being able to do little things for those I love, and seeing the joy on their faces when I did so. I don't know, I just don't see where I'm "that" bad of a person, to deserve this crap sandwich that life has given me. That's just how I feel too. I feel like I walked into a restaurant expecting a full buffet, for the waiter to come hand me a crap sandwich instead.
I need to pull myself out of this. I've been hurt many times over the years, and I've always came out stronger for it. I really don't see that happening this time. This time, I don't have a clue how to become stronger for this. I need to put on my big girl panties, stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself, STOP LOVING HIM, figure out a way to provide for my daughter and myself. I really truly felt that the reason I got sick was because God wanted me to spread the word. To speak publicly for awareness and advocacy on chronic pain/invisible illness. I truly felt that God would open the doors and make it possible for me to launch a career in that business. I just can't tell you the overwhelming feeling I have about it, and when I'd pray about it. I haven't hit any offers to do this yet, but I'll be totally honest in that I haven't totally read and researched how to break into it yet either. -So maybe that's what I need to do? All I want is to spread TRUE and CORRECT information about this to the public, to doctors (med students), to researchers, etc, and make enough money at it, to provide a comfortable income for my daughter and myself. If anyone has any leads or suggestions at all, I'm all ears.