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Thursday, March 29, 2012

When You Just Can't Help It


Do you ever have a day, where everything makes you want to cry?  No matter how positive I try to make myself feel today, it's just not working.  Every little thing is making me blink back tears.  Stupid little things.  For instance, I really need a new bed and I'd like to get a good memory foam one.  Preferably one with cooling gel in it.  I'd also like to get a Mediflow Water Based Pillow.  Our budget doesn't allow for us to buy these, so I decided to try my hand at advertising a spring senior picture photo session special on a few of the online garage sale sites in my area.  Anything I make, I'd like to save back for the bed and pillow.  It's the only way I have a hope of getting them.  I see people bump up their posts on those sites quite frequently.  Sometimes as frequently as once an hour.  I posted early evening last night, then bumped the post up around midnight last night, then again around 8:30am today.  I was just tagged and called out by a moderator, and asked to only bump my post up one time a week.  A little thing, right?  It made real tears start to fall down my cheeks.  I tried so hard not to cry over something as silly as that, but I couldn't help it.

My husband is tired today. He gets up for work between 4am-5am, and last night he was awaken a few times by the kids being a little too loud.  He wasn't sleeping soundly like he usually does.  Therefore, he's a little short in his responses this evening.  Now rationally, I know that I should not take it personally.  I should understand that.  I am taking it personally though.  I sat here, blinking back tears, feeling like he hates me or something.  That is totally ridiculous, and I know it is.  I just can't help it. 

I'm sure a lot of it is that I also, am tired.  I'm wore out.  I'm in a horrible flare right now.  I took pain killers 3 times yesterday/last night and once today, and the pain hasn't dulled.  Due to taking pain killers yesterday, I couldn't sleep last night.  I was up until 8:30am this morning, then I tossed and turned with shoulder pain for a bit before I finally fell asleep.  I woke up at 2pm this afternoon, feeling as if I hadn't slept at all.  I don't have another appointment at The Cleveland Clinic until the beginning of May.  I really don't think I can take it that long, if I don't get this flare under control immediately.  If I'm still in a flare tomorrow, I think I'll call them and tell them that I'm in a bad flare and none of the meds I have are helping.  The only problem I have with that, is that my husband needs at least a week (and better if he has at least 2 weeks) notice to give to his work, to take a day off.  We live about an hour and a half, to an hour and 45 minutes away from The Cleveland Clinic and he has to take me.  So if they want me to come in, I'm going to have a problem.  I could ask my father to drive me, but he'll be 73 in June, and I hate to ask him to take me that far away.  Just thinking about them wanting me to come in, and the problem that would cause, is again making me feel like I could cry.  Something silly yet again, but again, I just can't help it.

I'm tired.  I hurt.  I feel isolated.  I feel like I'm not good enough at anything I try to do, this blog included.  I feel like a $hitty mother, because I can't clean like I need to and have to ask the kids to do so many chores. I feel like a $hitty wife, because the way our finances are, I really need to have a job outside of the home. I feel guilty. At this point and time though, that is 100% impossible for me to do physically.  Even with accomodations, I wouldn't be able to do it.  I feel like my family thinks I put a lot of my symptoms on.  My 18yr old son, in the heat of being mad at me for something, has many times yelled that I don't do anything except sit on my "lazy butt".  I know that being a teen comes with moodiness and outbursts that you don't really mean, but I can't tell you how bad it stings when he says that to me.  At one point in my life, my husband and I had some problems and had split up.  When that happened, I took care of 4 children ages 6 and under all on my own, while working three part-time jobs, and I was carrying 18 credit hours in college.  I'm far from being lazy. I really hate fibromyalgia.  I hate it for making my family doubt me.  I hate it most of all, for making me doubt myself.  I know it's silly to do so, but again, I just can't help it.

5 comments:

  1. L, I'm sorry that you can relate. Wish neither of us (no one, for that matter) ever had to feel like this. Thank you for the hugs, my dear. I'm sending them right back to you.

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  2. I know there is not a quick answer ever. And that it often seems like it is all caving in on you. And your not even strong enough to dig a hole to crawl in so you can pull the rock over on top. Lord!

    I do get you. Your not alone no matter how you feel. And these feelings are something we all feel from time to time no matter what. Your illness is zapping your energy and joy. Remember YOU did not CHOOSE this! YOU did not ASK to hurt. YOU did not FORGET your family. You are reaching out to all around you. They do see it and do love you and do try.

    Take a lil mental break. Remember you husband stands beside you even when he is tired and can not express how he feels. Your babes really just want to hug you til the hurt goes away as you do to them. And your father no matter his age is willing to take you to the ends of the earth if it will help you. YOUR LOVED!

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  3. Thank you for your kind words Lenore. I know that everything you said is true. I needed that little pep talk, so thank you very much! XXOO

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